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Reasons to stay together!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by vikingmaid, Sep 3, 2011.

  1. If I was to assess my relationship we would be in negative value added!
    Is staying together for the kids the way to go? They are 11 and 8 and love their dad so much.
    I on the other hand just feel that he brings nothing interms of emotional/physical/financial support, its just like having a third child. Do I put head down and grin and bear it or risk causing the kids potential trauma?
     
  2. If I was to assess my relationship we would be in negative value added!
    Is staying together for the kids the way to go? They are 11 and 8 and love their dad so much.
    I on the other hand just feel that he brings nothing interms of emotional/physical/financial support, its just like having a third child. Do I put head down and grin and bear it or risk causing the kids potential trauma?
     
  3. Just ask yourself if your life <u>really</u> would be better without him or not.
    Don't underestimate how difficult a split is though - it will be more difficult than you imagine.
    As I've had to explain to my children (a lot) recently, just because mum and dad split up doesn't mean that they stop being mum and dad. Your children could and should have as much freedom to love their dad and get what they need out of their relationship with him even if they aren't living with him.
     
  4. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    You can't 'grin and bear it' forever. That is not fair on anyone, your husband or the kids. Plus it is very unlikely that they won't pick up the vibes, so they could be affected either way.
    How long have you not loved your husband?
     
  5. ...I'm just being a wuss, I know the answer just don't know what to do first.
    Having supported him when he returned to uni and then a career that didn't pay off. Then back for a PGCE which nearly broke us financially. Add a drink problem and depression It's not been a bed of roses. I can't remember the last night out or gift. I'm going back to school having spent the whole holiday keeping kids amused on no money and him 'up' to stop the depression.
    maybe a week by a pool might help but is not going to happen any day soon!
     
  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Splitting up is very difficult. Living with someone you don't love is very difficult too. I can sort of relate to his situation (except for the drink problem). Have you spoken about things? I know me and my ex didn't talk as much as we ought to have done - but deep down, there was something fundamentally missing from our relationship. I know we would have split up earlier if we hadn't had our son. But he happened and I don't regret that - I do regret not being in a family with someone who loves me and who I love.
    Life goes on after a split - children need both parents and they need happy parents. My son is asking when will I return (even though it's been 2 1/2 years). It's financially really difficult.
    Talk to your partner.
     
  7. katycustard

    katycustard Occasional commenter

    Obviously everyone has their own views on situations like this, but splitting up is very tough on children. I honestly think if you don't split up while the children are very young (under 3) it's better to wait until they are adults if at all possible. I know that would mean another 10 yrs in your situation and only you know if that is bearable.
    Relate will help you, on your own, work out your options and then you might be able to make decisions in a clearer frame of mind. They don't just help marriages stick together, they help people separate while keeping the pain as little as possible.
    There might be ways you could continue to live together without you having a third child.
    I would feel differently if violence was involved, but that is just my opinion.
     
  8. Is this any help?

    http://www.relate.org.uk/hearttoheart/index.html
     
  9. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    Have you tried a date night? You organise it one week and he does the next week, doesn't even have to be expensive. Maybe it will help trying to get back to where you once where? I think its worth a shot before you call it a day but then nobody can really tell you about your relationship as they're not in it... x
     
  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    All I can say is I wish my ex and I had a proper heart to heart. And that we had counselling. But to be honest, I think we did the best thing for the long term. You have one life - do you want to be happy or settled with someone? Forever is a long time. If we had stayed, how would life had been different? Life is much harder now than before - but I am happier as a person. It's a very personal decision - I'm sure there are people on this forum who have separated and regretted it, as well as those who are separated and much happier.
    Communication is key.
     
  11. It's not just YOU though, is it? You made a mistake, your kids carry the can.
     
  12. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Thanks for that helpful comment. You have no idea about what was going on in my life and in my relationship. I am more than aware of the impact on my child and WE did not take the decision to separate lightly. There's not a single day I don't think about it and how it has affected him.
     
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter


    The growth of a child is only twenty years. Grin and bear it.
     
  14. Ah sorry. Could you mark the thread "Only responses that are 100% what I want to hear allowed" in future? It will help to avoid <strike>objectivity</strike> confusion.
     
  15. Ah sorry. Could you mark the thread "Only responses that are 100% what I want to hear allowed" in future? It will help to avoid <strike>objectivity</strike> confusion.
     
  16. Hmmmmm edit timed out twice - my typing's not that slow.
    Post to robyn, who I mistook for OP.
     
  17. I dont have a husband or children so my opinion may not hold much weight with some people but I believe that if you are not in love with someone you should not stay with them- its unfair to you, to them and to anyone else involved including children.
    Yes children will of course be affected- their whole world is changing but 2 happy parents who live apart and love them is better, in my untested opinion, than two parents who live together but are unhappy and possibly create a tense passive aggressive environment because they both know they are missing out on a better happier life to try to hold it together.
    Maybe if I ever get married and have kids my attitude will change but I would like to think it wont. Things I want to teach my kids when I have them is loyaly, honesty, trust, being true to yourself and living a happy life without hurting others.
    OP_ Follow your heart and your instinct. Only you are in your situation.
     
  18. Thanks for all the comments. We are in the early beginnings of counselling, hopefully this will help. But a summer of rows, and upset children can't continue. I grew up in a single parent household and really don't want to do this to my kids, neither do |i want them to learn that a marriage is just rows and unhappiness.
    if I'm honest I have also considered that at my age (48) another 10 years makes the chances of a new life and possible relationship slimmer.
     
  19. I'd like to add my view which is not the same as others. I see you mentioned rows, well I am glad my parents separated and I only wish they had done it sooner. Life would have been better if they hadn't waited so long to separate.
     
  20. modelmaker

    modelmaker Occasional commenter

    There is only worthwhile reason to stay together as a couple, and that's because you want to.
    Foget about marriage vows, you never made them up yourselves, all you did was agree with what the vicar asked without questioning anything and upseting the party that was to follow.
    Nobody knows what it's going to be like sharing their life with someone outside their family until they do it, and I maintain that nobody should ever consider marriage before they've spent a few years living together, using contraception.
    It's ok, in my view, to acknowledge when life is **** and isn't going to improve to decide you've had enough. The probability is that life will get better for the pair of you in time. But for God's sake try and do it as harmoniously as possible. Try and remain friends. A few years on you'll be dying to spend a day with that person you had happy times together with.

     

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