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Really worried about my brother...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Lilyofthefield, Feb 28, 2011.

  1. But on the other hand it would be a shame if a chance passed him by whilst he was on that journey......
    Keep ringing him to enquire if he's made the appointment with his tutor. Go and see him of you can at a time when he could make the appointment with your boot gently inserted up his backside. Sisterly concern combined with let's-be-sensible sorting out. He is floundering; it's easy to be helpless.
  2. I'd keep in regular contact with him and keep urging him to do the things that Lily suggests. If he feels that you are fed up with him he'll only get more down. You know your brother, if you feel that he's really going through it, then support him in every way that you can.
  3. Snap, Lily. Don't just turn your back on him. Do what you can in a positive, practical, urging sort of way.
  4. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    I am there for him 100%, it's very rare that he admits to needing help so I know that for him this is a serious issue.

    Our mum hasn't really been in our lives since he was about 8 years old, so I definitely feel that extra responsibility for making sure he is ok.

    I found a link to a counselling service for the university he is at and sent it to him, I'll talk to him again tomorrow to see how he is.
  5. Good on you. Nothing's worth him getting so down; he can always repeat a year or module or whatever. Best of luck to you and your brother. x
  6. But his tutor needs to know. The tutor needs to make a judgement call on whether it's worth his continuing or repeating a module, and will probably be experienced enough to recognise if lack of confidence/anxiety/depression is contributing - if s/he knows.
    I think it is most important that the tutor is made aware asap.
  7. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    He has emailed his tutor about his concerns for some work he submitted last week. It was a group task but it wasn't all completed despite my brother doing 90% of the work - he was really worried about this, because he did all he could, but the other people in his group weren't doing their fair share.

    The tutor said they would take his comments into consideration when marking it.
  8. captain, sorry, I wasn't aware of your particular situation.
    You have taken over the role of mother - may I humbly suggest that you listen to the mothers on here?
    It is not easy, and particularly not for you, as you have been hurled into the role.
    Let us help you - and please, listen, even if we sound like grannies xxx
  9. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    No worries, it's not something I have mentioned before. I know most of this has to come from him but he came to me for advice and I wanted to help him out the best I could :)
  10. Then take the advice Lily gave you.
    And take mine - let go a bit xxx
  11. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I used to teach this stuff. They always do that. It is expected. Part of the <strike>fun</strike> learning experience. Tell him not to worry. Really, only half of group projects even look like they might have worked. We ain't daft, we know how to evaluate your standard debacle. It will feel harsh to him now but he will probably laugh about it later. Or bear a grudge forever. Whichever, he should be reassured that the staff have seen it all before and know exactly what happened. They may even have chuckled.
    Maybe don't mention the chuckling.
  12. I can't agree with CQ on this one (sorry). He is 21 - from where I'm sitting that is very young still, and it wouldn't matter how old he was. He needs help. Lily's advice is excellent, follow it captain oats. Can you get up to see him? My son went through something similar when he was at uni and I flew down to see him and help him through a sticky patch. Sometimes just a big hug and a chance to talk is all that is needed. Good luck to you both.
  13. the evil tokoloshe

    the evil tokoloshe New commenter

    I actually did the whole academic counselling thing for a living for a couple of years (well, set up a support programme, staffed and monitored it and still do part time). A few things to tell him (first off - tell him to get his act together):
    1. The university want him to pass, but it is his responsibility to get help when he needs it. He has to make sure he gets the full service that is available. Tell him to see his tutor, then any other support mechanisms they have. There may be supplemental instruction, peer tutoring or mentoring systems which could help him.
    2. He needs to get his friends to help him out. If they are taking the same modules, tell him to latch onto the students who do well in most subjects and see if they are willing to work with him in a study group - theres nothing better than realising you know something the person who you thought knew everything did not (I remember this from my Uni days). Alternately, track down a student from the year above and see if they can help out.
    3. He needs to sort out a study plan. Simply spending time worrying will not help, rather spend the time going over and summarising notes, deciding questions he wants to ask the tutor etc. Procrastination is a massive problem for students who feel they are underachieving, a study plan helps this.
    4. Last but not least, he needs to give himself time off every few days, it is easy to work into a study plan and the only difficult part is turning your mind off for an hour or so. It helps a lot when you do have to hit the books.
    As for the group work, yep, the cynic in me says one student tends to do all the work, but the group work experience is student driven, next time, he now knows that the group need to set ground rules, distribute work and set themselves deadlines. It is also worth his asking the lecturer to use peer assessments in the final mark (in the future if nothing else). There are a lot of methods out there which will sort out who did what and not allow students who slacked off to take credit.
  14. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter

    Does the university have a learning support department who could offer him a few hour of study support? All our students are entitled to a few hours of support even without a disabled student allowance. It may be worth checking. We see many students in a similar situation to your brother. They may also know about the counselling or mentoring services available to students there. It could be another support system for him as well as the support he is getting from you which must be a huge responsibility. There are often other systems in place to help such as buddying up with another student.
    Most universities have all that type of information on their websites and provide contact details and email addresses.
  15. Sorry CQ, I can see that I misinterpreted what you were saying. Hugs and help to stand on his feet and make the best decisions for himself are what are needed. We agree then! [​IMG]
  16. Yet again!
    We shouldn't make too much of a habit of this, you know - we'll end up sounding like Siamese twins [​IMG]
  17. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I am doing a chuckling drain impression. He went red brick didn't he?
    Posh computer science doesn't really do computers much, I would think applied maths is a fairish description. Tell him to get his **** in gear, did he expect it to be easy? If he wants easy he should go to the nearest poly. Honestly though, it isn't that hard once you get your head round actually doing some concentrated work. It will all come together.
    I am kind of jealous, I would like doing all that again, the absorption, the variety of tasks, the deadlines, the skills, he should apply himself and enjoy it. I sometimes regret jacking it in to be a property developer.

    Pep talks, they always loved my pep talks.
  18. From those I know who have done it - lots of theory, less practical stuff.
    For anyone who is a computer freak - not very satisfactory.
    If it is any consolation to your brother, captain - our Head of IT broke off his degree to train on the job.
    He is now mid thirties and earning a packet.
  19. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    I might just have to pass that information onto him! Thanks.

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