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Rant about OH!

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Andi H, Sep 3, 2012.

  1. <font face="Times New Roman" size="3">

    Apologies for a very long post
    We have a 27mth old toddler and a 12wk old baby and Sunday went like this - Morning at country park together but had to leave to get home in time for the football match on the TV!
    1pm - 6pm
    Shop in Asda
    Breast feed baby
    Prepare snack for toddler
    Hang out washing
    Load dishwasher
    Clean kitchen
    Change 2 dirty nappies
    Mop kitchen floor
    Prepare roast chicken
    Paint pictures with toddler while Bfing baby again
    Prepare roast potatoes and vegetables
    Clean up mess from painting
    BF baby</font>OH
    Watch football match
    Surf internet
    Dish up dinner
    3wks after LO1 was born OH was made redundant and chose to take 3mths off to be at home with us. After 3mths he said he wanted another 3mths and then after 6mths he said he didn't see why he should go to work if I got to stay at home! This meant I then had to use my savings to continue maternity leave until LO was 10mths old.
    OH still hadn't looked for work so I had to go back full time at Easter and he stayed at home with LO and spent a lot of time on his games console. By May I was loudly suggesting he should be job hunting as he could start as soon as my summer hols started. He kept insisting it was too early if he couldn't start until mid July.
    Last Sept, LO started nursery on my school site, full time. We left at 7.30 each morning and OH went back to bed. He spent 3mths thinking about setting up his own business and then in Jan (when I was 4mths pregnant) he started job hunting. He eventually got a job 7 mths later and started when the new baby was 6wks old. I can't help feeling that he took his job hunting more seriously when he realised how much harder it would be for him to stay at home.
    Now his moods are horrendous and I am fed up with him flying off the handle over nothing. He takes it out on the toddler who is regularly told to &lsquo;shut the f*** up' when he is wanting a bit of attention. He is loudly telling me that a colleague plays no part in the care of the children or house as he works. I haven't yet pointed out that while he was unemployed I was still doing 80% of the childcare, a lot of the housework and getting up at 6am on a Sat with LO so he could stay in bed until 11am. All this and heavily pregnant!
    I am seriously considering going to stay with my Mum for a few weeks which his 250miles away in the hope that it will be a bit of a wake up call for him. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so, how did you resolve the problems?
  2. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    Sorry I have no experience of this, or advice really, but I can't believe you put up with this!
    This I would not tolerate at all. It really upsets me when I hear parents talking to their kids like this, and if my own husband did it I think I would be tempted to leave.
    I would say there's an imbalance of childcare and housework with us, but I do work part time, and my husband does shift work, so of course I am naturally with the children more. Our two are 22 months apart, and he's always been fantastic about getting up in the night for them, but I sometimes have to give huge hints like 'ask daddy to make you a bath' because some things just don't occur to him. As for housework, I tend to do most of it. The only time my husband uses the washing machine is if I go away. He's quite happy to let me wash his clothes, iron them, put them away etc. He'll do stuff if i explicity ask him to.
    I don't want to be rude, but what made you decide to have a 2nd child if your OH was being like this?
    He obviously needs a huge wake-up call, and maybe you going to stay with your mum would do the trick.
  3. Thanks for the replies - I think I already knew what I needed to do but just wondered if my expectations were too high!
    I am 40 next birthday and didn't want LO1 to be an only child. If I was younger I probably would have waited to see if things settled down
    This is my thinking as well - he will have a very easy couple of weeks and probably be happy about it. I should take the console and TV remote with me!
    Pretty much - he was easy going and only really got angry with himself when he did something silly such as waste wine on the carpet or stub his toe.
    I think my wake up call should have been when I was in hospital after the c-section with LO2 and they said I could go home later that day. He didn't believe it would happen, despite being in the room at the time so refused to drive home to get the car seat (a one hour round trip). He said it would be a waste of his time. It then got to the point where it was 5pm and he would have to pick LO1 up from nursery, drive home, feed him, drive back to pick me up and then all of us go home. I gave in as we wouldn't have got home before 8pm and that would have messed LO2 around as his bedtime is 7pm.
    Last night he booted the moses basket across the living room in a tantrum and I made the decision to go today but I'm now having second thoughts as LO2 has his jabs later this week. This should be such a happy time but [​IMG]
  4. Reading that made me feel sick. I think if you definitely have somewhere else to go, you should go. I don't think baby's jabs should affect your decision - if it was me, I'd rather be in a nicer environment with my post-jabs baby than at home with someone like that. Sorry - I know he's your husband but he sounds awful.
  5. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    I read this and I was utterly appalled!
    Can I ask you why you are going and not asking/telling him to go instead?
    Have you spoken to your family about this behaviour? If not please do so and also call the police as well.
    My only advice would be to ensure the safety of yourself and your children in anyway whatsoever.
    OH dear [​IMG]
    At the moment you are being a single parent- you are earning the money, paying the bills, taking care of the children, paying the childcare and doing the house work. You are putting the children's needs first before thought anything. He is only focussed on himself.
    Don't leave- he could just as easily change the locks whilst you are with your mum. Are the bills in your name? Could it be that you will end up paying for a roof over his head if he lock you out?
    Please call the domestic abuse help line for further advice- start to look to your financial affairs and pack an emergency bag. Find out what the council can do for you.
    At one point I was suffered from domestic violence and needed a place to go- I left with nothing except the clothes on by back and my purse with my cards in. I was single and this was no great hardship for me compared to the abuse, with children it would have been so much worse.
    Take care, tell you family, get the support you need.
  6. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    Even if his previous behaviour was different, you can only deal with his present behaviour.
    He simply didn't want to get it- everything else was an excuse.
    Please speak to your family about what is happening, seek their support and call the help line to find out what your rights are.
    Why are you going to leave? Why doesn't he leave? Are the bills in your name? If he changes the locks whilst you are with your mum, will you be left paying for a roof over his head?
    You safety and that of your children is paramount- do something now before the situation escalates.
    Take care
  7. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    Sorry about the post coming up twice, there was an error screen the last time I tried to post so I assumed it had not gone through.
  8. For me this says it all. If your relationship has knocked your confidence and emotions to the point that you were in any doubt that his behaviour is way, WAY out of line then you need to leave. You deserve to feel safe and supported, not worried about your children.
  9. Take the charger cable ;-)
  10. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    That's not entirely what I meant.
    The temper thing is nasty to have to live with and tbh I think you should probably get your children away from it because it must be terrible and stressful, if not actually physically dangerous for both them and you.
    It's more the attitude behind it, I think. What really shocks me about your post is the lack of concern that he has for his family's wellbeing and security, compared to his own convenience and comfort. The anger is horrible but the other stuff - like refusing to go back to work and making you use up your saving on ml because it 'wasn't fair' - seems a lot more calculated and callous.
    I just wonder if this is a massive departure from his usual attitudes, or if he's always felt as though, really, it doesn't matter if he upsets people so long as he gets to 'express himself'. Or whether he's ever shown genuine concern and care for you, regardless of whether he stood to benefit directly or not (as shown by actions, rather than words or empty gestures). Or whether he sees himself as having any responsibility towards the wellbeing of his partner and/or children.
    Whether or not he did used to be nicer than this, I'd agree that you still really need to get yourselves out of there. But, on the grounds that it's unlikely to be a straightforward decision/situation, it might help to be clear in your mind as to who he is and, therefore, who you're dealing with.
    Incidentally, I'd agree with whoever pointed out that you're already a single mother in many senses (just with an added bucketload of stress on top) and don't worry about the jabs too much - that sort of thing is easy enough to sort out.
  11. Andi,
    You need to reduce the level of stress you are facing. why not go and stay with your family as you planned if it gves you some calm and a bit of a breather.
    i have just become a single parent with one child. i recognise some of the inconsiderate behaviour from my own situation and I have made many excuses for it since our child was born. i have now stopped making excuses. Being alone is sad for me and hard but being with someone cold and inconsiderate is hard too and really a very unhappy existence.
    is he depressed? Does he need help? Will he accept you telling him that? if he won't out in any effort, your relationship will continue as it is. All the luck in the world to you, you are in a tricky place and I empathise xxx

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