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Problem with the bf with the issue of children

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by sherrita, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. I just want a bit of advice please...........
    I have been with my bf for 7 years and I really think I want to try for a baby next year, after my NQT year. The problem is my bf was married before and has 3 kids. A couple days ago we were having a discussion and he said he would consider one more, I went livid with him because I was sure in the early stage he said 2 or more kids. We never really had to discuss it in depth because I wasn't ready. But I feel that I have been tricked in some sense. He's trying to blackmail me into having just one kid, saying if I chose to have more than one his other kids will lose out and they wont be able to have certain things. I saw red with this and walked out on him, he called me to return that night, saying we needed to talk, but because the kids were over I didnt make a scene and pretended everything was fine. I was then watching tv with him and he asked his oldest daugher, Sherrita wants to have two babies with me what do you think about that? I could have stangled him, I promptly called him into the kitchen and told him in no uncertain terms if he discussed this with his children before we had a chance to discuss this properly that I would leave. To be honest I don't care what his children's opinion are they are very daddy obsessed and would all declare that they didnt want another sibling, they were like this when they're mum wanted another one, she disregarded their opinion and went on to have another child and they love him. I don't need children's permission to have a child if I want one is what I'm getting at and I know they would initially feel a bit out of joint and declare no and I think he wanted me to hear and see that to change my mind. Another method of guilt trip. I love his children to bits and I have done so much for them so I do not feel bad if they can't go to the cinema every week or have a new outfit or the latest wii game every week because I want 2 kids. So I have told my bf that we both need to take time to think about this and have a discussion in July thats when the lease ends. I wanted 3 kids I have compromised to 2 kids, as I basically dont want my child to grow up as an only child, my sister was so much younger than me that we didnt get to do anything together. This will be the same for his other kids, they'll be dating and wanting independence, no doubt they'll love their sibling, but i want someone for my little one to play with and have a close bond with, is that so bad? So I am prepared to walk in July if he doesnt agree to 2 kids, am i being a b.i.t.c.h. for this? He seems to think I am being unreasonable and I want to distrub a happy arrangement and ruin his children's life if I leave because they have gotten use to me and adore me.
    Anyone with any advice or opinions please do share................ I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
  2. What you say on here isn't being unreasonable, but it depends on how the 'discussions' with your OH go as to how reasonable you are being then.
    I think he needs to consider a couple of things. One child is ok as it won't cause much disruption but two is way over the mark?? What if you got pregnant, and at your 12 week scan you found out it was twins? It might happen?! Discussing the issue with his children before discussing it with you isn't on, but it might have been his way of lightening a difficult issue - men often struggle with this.
    It will depend on the age of his children as to how easily they can adapt, and only time will tell. No you don't need their permission, but its a credit to him that he considers their wishes at all. Maybe the fact that you already feel you're a compromising your wishes is a tell tale sign that this is going to be difficult. Its hard for you to consider his other children because as much as you do for them, you're not their mother and you don't think about things in the same way as you would if you were. please don't take that the wrong way - you're not being selfish at all.
    Your OH needs to consider your feelings as much as his childrens' feelings if this relationship is to continue at all, regardless of babies, no?
    Good luck hon x
  3. Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. NO you're absolutely not being unreasonable and to be honest I don't think I'll be any help but I just wanted to tell you that I would feel exactly the same as you if I were in your position.
    Not knowing your bf of you, I have an understanding of where your bf is coming from BUT that's his happy arrangement and it is totally unfair for you to slot into HIS world. Then again, he came with 2 kids and I guess you knew that before you got with him, but then he also said he would have 2 kids with you.
    Apart from this situation, how is your relationship? If everything else is perfectly fine then you've got to think what is more important. Having him in your life with one child you can love and share together with 2 of his already - lovely little family set up there.
    OR if there are other problems in your relationship, then perhaps even if you get past this 'issue' are there going to be other underlying problems which will then just be a set up for an unhappy future relationship anyway??
    Sorry I can't be any help, but just from some of the things you have said it seems that he doesn't respect you in some areas and my initial feeling is that I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship :( but I don't know all the in's and out's so this isn't a true reflection of your situation.
  4. Paradoxicalgirly

    Paradoxicalgirly New commenter

    The other thing to consider is how you feel whilst you're pregnant and have had the child. I'd always thought I'd have more than one child - am currently 33 weeks' pregnant, and assuming this pregnancy ends positively, I will not be going through this again. I have a colleague who has been in a similar situation where she assumed she'd have more than one child, but having been pregnant she couldn't put either herself or her family through it again.
    FWIW, there's only three years between my and my brother - and we had very little to do with each other when we were little. We certainly weren't playmates - we had our own friends - and tolerated each other. So you're not guaranteed to get the happy little family you think you'll get. Not that we hated each other - and tbh got on a lot better than other siblings I knew.
    And in defence of your bf, the pressure of providing for all those children would be quite immense and he sounds quite sensible to suggest the one child with you.

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