I'm really struggling. I've found out I'm pregnant (currently 9 weeks) and have not had a great pregnancy so far - no vomiting, but quite severe depression, palpitations, sleeplessness and anxiety. This has not been helped by my MAT lead who has basically come in and steamrollered my department this year, dictating what we teach, when we teach it and taking away all of our planned lessons, replacing them with their own (no deviation allowed). I've been told my department need extensive training from their (very well-paid) "advisers", and that we have to teach an extra hour a week as our grades weren't up to scratch. I've been told "it doesn't matter if the students enjoy the lessons. What matters is they pass the exam". The issue is, our grades are bad because we've been teaching what we've been told to teach, as opposed to what we know we are great at and get results with (I was even told to abandon a novel because it was "too hard" for the students and instead to teach one I've never read). I had to rewrite our curriculum four times last year and we had to change our assessment methods three times to "get it right" - resulting in a whopping 12 assessments a year for all year groups, plus EOY exams. I lost two staff over it. No wonder our students have suffered - they've complained to me numerous times. Now I'm the one off sick as I seem to catch every infection going and I feel terrible. Before I got this job, I was a well-respected teacher who consistently got great results. My students were happy, I won numerous school-based awards voted for by staff and students, I was consistently given positive feedback from students and parents and I was undertaking training with the middle leaders programme, having been chosen as a 'rising star' (my new school wouldn't let me continue this as they are an academy). I was heading up multi-school scheme of work development and working closely with partners abroad. I left that job confident in my own abilities and now I feel like I've been run down and criticised to the point where my confidence is gone and I'm having anxiety attacks about just getting in to work. Just typing out how respected I used to be makes me cringe. I've told my boss I'm leaving, but I still have ten weeks to get through before I go. I'm having panic attacks and palpitations daily; I've seen the doctor who thinks it's stress and anxiety related. He offered to sign me off, but I didn't think that would help my prospects of securing decent supply work, which I will need when I leave, so instead he gave me reduced hours, but I think that is making it worse. I don't know what to do. I feel an incredible sense of guilt when I am not at work because my students need me, but I feel guilt when I am in work, because I know anxiety attacks and stress are going to hurt my baby. I wonder if I will ever get my confidence back, and I worry it won't ever come. I desperately want to be signed off, but I'm scared that I won't secure good supply if this happens, or I'll get a bad reference. Part of me wants to get out completely, but I don't know what I'd do and I wouldn't secure anything at 5 months pregnant anyway, so supply is my only option. This is probably making very little sense and I apologise, but I feel at my wits' end and I don't know where to turn. In my darkest moments I feel like I'd just rather not be pregnant because then I can just get another job, and then I feel terrible for even thinking that. I'm so trapped; please help.