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Possible emotional abuse in marriage

Discussion in 'Personal' started by sebedina, Feb 9, 2016.

  1. sebedina

    sebedina Occasional commenter

    This is my second marriage and I am a woman almost 50 years old.

    I have been married for 12 years to an extremely volatile man. He is like a lose cannon. His rages are terrifying and crazy. He was washing dishes and then ranting about being sick of washing dishes and telling me to work less so that I can do these chores more so that he doesn't have to do it. We have a dish washer but this has been out of action for a few weeks, plus I am going through the menopause so i am feeling very tired and emotional.

    He then threw and smashed a thick pyrex dish into the sink and smashed another dish then punched the walls and ranting and raving like a lunatic.

    I have put up with his behaviour but each time it makes me very ill. I am worried for myself I don't want to have a heart attack one of these days. This behaviour happens on average every few weeks, sometimes not as bad, just verbally rude and aggressive, other times he punches walls or goes nuts.

    The day after, he usually ignores his behaviour ever happened and simply returns to normal behaviour a few days afterwards whereas I become ill for weeks recovering from the stress of it. He only apologises when I prompt him.

    He refuses to see a doctor or to have any treatment. I see this as bullying behaviour and very manipulative. I am seriously now thinking he should leave the house. What advice would you give me?? I know if I read my own post I would think the answer would be obvious. (The house is mine - i bought it some time ago).

    He has nowhere to go and no family in this country. However, he is generally a good father and works hard so it isn't all bad. He doesn't seem to be remorseful and appears to me to be quite arrogant in his behaviour. This is the reason why I am considering ending the relationship once and for all.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I have done the sit down and talking bit many many times. My family have also spoken with him but nothing goes in. He just doesn't listen or want to listen as the behaviour happens again a few months later.

    Any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    I'm sorry to hear that, sebedina. Do the children witness this?
    Since you own the house, you're in a strong position. I'd tell him to leave.
     
  3. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Sorry to read of your troubles...

    I'd suggest putting your foot down... tell him to leave and seek help... only when he's got help will you let him back.

    But I also know that isn't the easiest thing in the world.
     
  4. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    You might be better leaving before you tell him you're ending the relationship!

    Personally, I'd be gone by now.
     
  5. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter

    I think you need to seek legal advice. It is clear from what you say that you are being bullied & abused. I think you are right to be worried.
     
  6. GLsghost

    GLsghost Star commenter

    I am so sorry to read of the experiences you are having.

    I am going to give you several sources of advice and support from organisations that are expert in providing the kind of help you seek. They will not preach or tell you what to do but will support you in making whatever decision is the right one for you.

    If you look at websites, be careful to hide your browsing history. Similarly, if you ring any of the helplines, clear your cache of dialled numbers.

    There is Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

    Refuge - www.refuge.org.uk . This organisation runs the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 . It is a 24 hour service and can put you in touch with expertise in your area.

    This organisation is currently being supported by listeners to Radio 4's The Archers, as one of the characters on there, Helen Titchener, is currently a victim of emotional, financial and some physical abuse from her husband.

    Don't forget the Teachers Support Network too https://www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/ which offers a helpline and can support through abuse.

    Your local Citizens Advice can also put you in contact with your local domestic abuse advice services.

    I am afraid that research shows that your husband is unlikely to change his behaviour. It is making you unhappy but also putting you in danger.

    Please do seek support for your situation and there is always a friendly ear here, if you need it. You are far from alone. xx
     
  7. Vladimir

    Vladimir Senior commenter

    What country is he from? The answer might be partially a cultural thing.
     
  8. cosmosinfrance

    cosmosinfrance Star commenter

    This is excellent advice from GLsghost. Please follow it through. You must keep yourself and your children safe. I wish you all the best.
     
    monicabilongame likes this.
  9. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Leave.
    "A good father" - does he ever behave like this in front of the children? Or anyone else? If it's only for your benefit, then he has full control over indulging his temper, and is abusing you. Putting up with it gives him no reason either to stop or reconsider.
     
  10. cosmosinfrance

    cosmosinfrance Star commenter

    She shouldn't have to leave though, it's her house.
     
    monicabilongame and Lascarina like this.
  11. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    It's her house. He should go.
     
    Lascarina likes this.
  12. cissy3

    cissy3 Star commenter

    I don't know if it would be any help to you at this stage @sebedina , but Relate, known for 'couples' counselling, will also see individuals.

    http://www.relate.org.uk/

    They really helped me realise that I needed to end my marriage of 30 years for my own mental health.

    Also, I would seek legal advice regarding owning the house, as I know this can be a minefield.

    Most of all, I wish you all the very best.
     
  13. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Listen to the advice above. It is all good advice.............but only if you take it.
    And yes, he needs to go.
     
  14. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    Excellent post by @GLsghost with sound advice.

    I would add the following:

    The National Centre for Domestic Violence
    Website www.ncdv.org.uk
    Freephone 0800 9 702070
    24 hour emergency number 0844 8044 999 (if you are in immediate danger call the police on 999)
    Online referrals: referdirect.org.uk
    Text "NCDV" to 60777

    They are very very good and can get an emergency injunction served on the abusive person within 24 hours, but you would need to contact them as soon as possible after the latest incident. Do have a look at their website for information.
     
    Lascarina and GLsghost like this.
  15. GLsghost

    GLsghost Star commenter

    More (although you will hear this from domestic abuse agencies as well):

    - collect together all the important documents and keep them together in one place where you can grab them quickly, should you need to. Birth certificates, passports (including his, so he can't do a runner), insurance policies, bank cards etc, mortgage, house deeds. If his violence escalates and you do not feel safe, you may need to get out quickly;

    - see your GP now and explain what is going on. Particularly talk about the damage he is doing to your health. The psychological injury is significant. A person in a domestic abuse situation is entitled to Legal Aid but it will only be granted with specific evidence, the easiest of which to get hold of is GP records showing the impact over time.
     
  16. finisterre_277

    finisterre_277 Established commenter

    Sorry to hear you are suffering, sebedina. You don't have to put up with this nor should someone be controlling you to the extent that he is making you ill.
    He should be told to leave your house.
    Take care.
     
  17. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Yes of course. I meant "Leave him."
     
  18. IceCreamVanMan

    IceCreamVanMan Occasional commenter

    I have a bad temper and do get quite vocal at times, yet your post states you suffer for days afterwards - is he threatening you? If so, the police should be called. What's the trigger? Is it alcohol or for no reason, he just kicks off? Then see your GP for assistance and referral to a counsellor to help you get the strength to finish this. It sounds like the temper tantrums are the tip of the iceberg, rather than the only thing. If so, as others have said, there are loads of places to get legal assistance.
     
  19. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    I'm afraid that I disagree with all the posts above GL's and I disagree with GL that your husband's behaviour is unlikely to change, whatever the research suggests. The reason I disagree with most of the posts is that they don't suggest answers that will bring a resolution and may make life more difficult.

    The behaviour you've described is frightening and unacceptable, but in my opinion, symptomatic of a high degree of stress, for which the only outlet he is finding is to blow his top over the final straws. He is unlikely to see the smashing of a dish in anger as any more than the smashing of a dish that can be easily replaced. He won't be considering the emotional terror it brings to those around him, because he has reached the point where he feels his own emotions aren't being attended to and is desperate for them to be recognised.

    On the positive side, you haven't said he has resorted to physical violence against you. The situation needs to be addressed before that becomes a possibility, even though he may never inflict any violence on you, but take things out on someone else instead.

    Situations like this can often be resolved through counselling, however the desire to enter into counselling as a means of making life better has to established first. I'm not an expert, but I know of a number of instances where this has been achieved. In some cases the woman left suddenly, rendering the man to be in the position of having to cope with other unexpected chores and refused to return unless the man treated her concerns seriously and agreed to go to Relate. This course of action involves the extra expense of a couple living apart, which can add to the stress and anger.

    A simpler option can be to call the police when the anger gets out of hand and tell them you're frightened. They will turn up and take him away to cool down in a police cell. They'll have to explain why he's being arrested. He'll be angry about it for sure and if it ends up with him being late for work the next day and have to make excuses, he'll start to wonder whether it was worth it. I can guarantee he will by the third time it happens and be desperate to be rid of the extra s.hit he's going through that complicates the s.hit he already had.

    Although I've respectively categorised man and woman as offender and victim, we all know the genders can be reversed and become confused in same sex relationships and in instances where the relationship isn't defined by “sex”, such as in how the relationships between families have to cope with their parents when dementia waves a friendly hand as it enters the lives of all.

    You mentioned the menopause, sebedina, I feel for you. I also feel for your husband if gives you grief.I've listened to women telling me how difficult their lives are and also to blokes who tell the other side of the story. Neither was right or wrong. The best way forward was always somewhere midway between what each expected from the other, or so it seemed to me.

    There are so many aspects of human life we ought to be prepared for, but few have the chance to be educated in before they arrive. My first wife was traumatised by her first period and the ineptness of her mother to explain to her what was going on. She was merely given a pack of Lil-Lets and told to read the instructions.

    My next wife endured the embarrassment of having her blood-stained knickers displayed to the parents of her first husband as proof he had violated her virginity before they were wed.

    It's utter madness the way people behave, made worse by nobody ever asking what could possibly be wrong before panicking. Husbands and wives try to pick up the pieces of what went before and what continues without the expertise to know how to deal with it.

    There will always be at least one underlying reason why people behave oddly.I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't have their own share of baggage that they expect their partners to comprehend, nor any couple who had an easy ride from the day they met until doing a duet of "My Old Dutch" witheach other after 40 years of marriage.

    The advice I give is not to panic, but seek solutions.
     
    Noja likes this.
  20. GLsghost

    GLsghost Star commenter

    frangipani123 likes this.

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