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Please help!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by lollipop216, May 22, 2011.

  1. Please help!
    I started dating a guy last year who had begged me to date him because I wasn't really interested at first. For the first three months, he was the perfect boyfriend. Couldn't fault him. However after this his behaviour changed. For the next three months he started blowing hot and cold, one minute he seemed to want to be with me and the next he didn't. Not sure if he just went off me or if there was someone else.
    He finished with me by drunken texts 7 weeks ago but a few days after sending them seemed to regret what he had done. He bought me roses and said he was sorry. He said he didn't mean his texts and he didn't really finish with me. I believed him.
    I came back from holiday a month ago and he came round to see me in a bad mood. Started picking petty arguments with me until finally I snapped and said we should be friends because of the arguments and the way he was treating me. I never expected him to agree but he readily did and sent me a text a few days later saying it was for the best it was over in the long run.
    In my mind it was finished and I wanted to forget about him and get on with my life although I was really devastated. Two days after sending the finishing text he wanted to know why I hadn't responded to it and that he thought there was still a chance for us. He called me and seemed to regret what he had done. He invited me round the next night. But when I went there he virtually ignored me and sat watching TV. I wondered why he had invited me round in the first place to do that.
    He has continued to send me text after text saying he is missing me, I am a lovely girl but its for the best it is over. He has said if I ever need his help, I can call him. He tried calling one night but I ignored his calls. When I haven't responded to any texts he has said he doesn't like being ignored and didn't think I would react in this way.
    Why does a guy finish with you and continue to text? I don't understand it.
    Any advice appreciated.
     
  2. He probably thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe thinks he could do better or could have a play around and not have to worry about having a gf etc. NOt saying that he could do better than you just trying to think why he would do this.
    He might then realise that its not better and then wants to get back with you.
    I did it when I was young! I didnt realise that the female attention I was getting was due to the fact I was safe! ie I had a gf so I dumped her thinking I could get with the ones I had been talking to flirting with etc except they didnt want to know when I was single so I tried getting back with the GF
    Stupid I know but I wasnt even 20 at the time.
    I know its hard but ignore him its for the best - for you and for him!
     
  3. It's easy: they don't know their own mind and then regret what they have lost. However, they don't wish to have a proper grown up relationship with you and so hence the ping pong of want you - don't want you.
    My advice is simple: don't reply EVER and move on with your life.

    BTW women play these silly games as well as men. Nuts!!!
     
  4. lrw22

    lrw22 Occasional commenter

    I agree, continue to ignore him and get on with your life [​IMG]
     
  5. Block his number on your phone, and get on with your own life.
     
  6. Simple.
    He wants to have his cake and eat it. He is keeping you dangling for those moments when he needs some attention and can't get it elsewhere.
    Delete his number and never reply to him.
     
  7. I am a bloke and I agree

     
  8. gergil4

    gergil4 New commenter

    Go and find a really <u>good</u> guy!
     
  9. Absolutely. He wants to have a fall-back option.
    I've been there, in the dim and distant past. it was someone I really really liked, I didn't want to see the truth, I wanted to think it was all misunderstanding and that it would all work out, but in the end I had no option but to see him for what he was.

     
  10. Thank you to all who replied to this. I really appreciate it - I have only just seen your replies. Might not have done what I did below had I read them!
    I did send a text yesterday that said: I too have chosen to walk away from it because I am not a toy he can play with and be tossed to one side when he changes his mind.
    He replied with 2 texts that he understands, that he is hurting too, that there will always be a place for me in his heart, that if he could build his perfect girlfriend it would be mostly me, that if I ever needed help he would be there for me, .... But he realised too that it wasn't quite right for him.
    I never replied to it, I didn't know what to say and deleted his number. Today I receive a mundane text about my team's football score yesterday. Again I have deleted his number.
    How can he say he is hurting when he initiated it all? Very confusing.
     
  11. Its simple. He is an immature *****.
    Have some fun on nights out with your girl-friends and find someone who treats you well. [​IMG]
     
  12. PFF, you beat me to it - that is exactly what he is doing. Don't fall for it!
     
  13. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    If he had self-respect then he wouldn't be making a t!t of himself in this way, if he had respect for you then surely he wouldn't be trying to make big serious decisions and things by text?
    Doesn't want to commit to being with you (after all a man's most precious possession is a commitment-free penis), won't commit to being without you. Doesn't care about you enough to consider your feelings in all of this (in which case he'd leave you alone to get over him), not very secure and wants to know that he's still got a hold on you should he need one.
    Don't reply and don't engage with him again in any way, shape or form. It'll be painful but less painful that if you buy into his sneaky messing-about. He WILL keep you dangling until it no longer suits him - probably when he pulls his head out of **** and is ready to commit to someone who hasn't let him treat them like **** for however long. Could take years though and in the meantime you will end up sacrificing all of your self-esteem, confidence, peace of mind and ability to actually meet someone nice who DOES like you.
    I know what I'm talking about with this - run, hide and stay hidden until he *** off to pester someone else.
     
  14. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    Should specify, that's men on his calibre, not ALL men.
    Bitter and twisted, moi? [​IMG]
     
  15. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Yep. That means "I hope you'll be available if I fancy a quick sh ag and haven't any other options."
     
  16. Thank you all for replying. It has really helped to explain his confusing behaviour.
    The last phone conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he was going to ask me to marry him at the end of the summer if all had been going well. I can't understand how you can supposedly think that much of me yet not want to go out with me now.
    Should have been more careful with him really. He walked out of his marriage when he had a young child. His last girlfriends went off with other men. I thought he had just been really unlucky in love. Think I'm starting to see now why they walked.... There seemed to be no time gaps either between one relationship and the next.
     
  17. Have to say I wholeheartedly agree with all the other posters.
    My ex was like this- never left long between girlfriends (found out later he actually overlapped them, in fact, but was good at hiding it) couldn't cope with being alone and craved female attention. After nearly 2 years he broke up with me (there was another girl, of course) but then kept calling/texting/visiting as though we were still together. We had to stay friends, he needed me, he didn't want it to be over, it just had to be this way. Apologies, tears, the works. He kept insisting that he loved me and that one day we'd be together. I didn't know which way was up by the time he'd finished messing with my head. The day I realised that he was just keeping me hanging to boost his ego was the day I cut off all contact. I blocked his number and email, deleted all contact details and moved away. Saw him again for the first time in years recently at a function, and he is still pulling all his old tricks on a number of women. All his other exes are still hanging about waiting for him and much as I loved him, I feel so glad that I escaped!
    Walk away. He will act hurt when you're not being friendly. It's because one of his options is closed off. Don't let him do this to you. One day you'll look back and be glad you had the strength to stop him from damaging your self esteem.
    "Never make your priority someone who only sees you as a choice."
     
  18. Thank you to all who replied.
    It is true I have never experienced this kind of behaviour before from an ex. Over always meant over in the past - obviously this guy is different.
    I have since received texts off him saying he misses me, that there is a big gulf in his life since we split and the last one asked if he could call me later on that day. I said I was busy that evening but he could call me the next evening early on. I received back the reply that he had his child that evening and couldn't promise to call me. Then on that evening he said he couldn't call because he wouldn't be able to speak to me 'properly' because of his child being there.
    Not sure what he wants to talk about. Is it to play with my mind even further or tell me he has made a mistake? Should I speak to him if he texts again and wishes to speak?
    Any advice welcomed.
     
  19. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Do not engage any further with him in any way, simply delete texts and emails as if you have ceased to exist. This is the only way to deal with a 'man' like this.

    I ended up in a similar situation to you last year. All very keen at first (with the sob stories of evil harridans who had destroyed his life), then cooling, dumping me, then constantly texting, saying he'd made a mistake, wanting to see me again, and so on ad infinitum.
    I then found out that he'd being seeing someone I worked with the whole time and had told people I was deluded into thinking I was going out with him. At this time he was also trying to get off with the 20 year old girlfriend of his friend's son. He's obviously at a loose end at present as I got an email from him a month ago saying what a mistake he'd made and how beautiful, clever and good hearted I am (Yeah, thanks..I know). This is a year later! I just deleted the email without responding as any reply just lets him think that he still registers.
    The leech that you were seeing is cut from the same cloth. He clearly has issues but you are not a counsellor and you cannot do anything to help other than be a victim. Don't be a victim - nobody really respects a victim but worst of all, it's impossible for them to respect themselves.
    Give LY's link to the blog a try - you'll see that this kind of man will just suck the energy and confidence out of you, but only if you let him. Do not let him.
     

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