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Please don't laugh, poetry critics

Discussion in 'English' started by ada_nuff, Aug 25, 2019.

  1. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    ...but please tell me if this poem means that I could, even at this advanced age, start to write? I seriously have no idea whether it's formulaic/****/derivative/risible. I know it has loads of clumsy errors. Thank you for any pointers

    LOVE POEM

    We met, not in first youth,

    On Sparken Hill. Bronze leaves

    Dark stained the summer green.


    We have grown old.

    Not yet the old of pincered limbs and

    More tortured doubts of life unlived,

    But in this curious waiting room of age.


    In lonely dark I open up

    My mindbook filled with joys

    Of tumbling autumn love

    When together we bestrode the world

    And feasted deep at the table of the gods.
     
    lanokia and blueskydreaming like this.
  2. tb9605

    tb9605 Established commenter

    I like it - I like the way the turning of the leaves seems to echo your age. If anything, you could maybe be less explicit about your age, and let the metaphors make this clear for you (which they do).

    You are never too old to start writing.

    This isn't an especially writer's orientated forum - I'm sure you will find better ones out there on the interweb. My wife likes both Litopia and Myslexia.
     
    ada_nuff and blueskydreaming like this.
  3. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    Oh, thank you so much for the info! I appreciate your time.
     
  4. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Nice metaphors ...

    Liked the "waiting room of age" bit.
     
    ada_nuff likes this.
  5. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    I like it too, and also I think one of the hardest part of writing is having the guts to show people, and you have just demonstrated you have that!
     
    ada_nuff likes this.
  6. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    Thank you again for your comments, folks.
     
  7. roamingteacher

    roamingteacher Established commenter Forum guide

    Go for it!
     
    ada_nuff likes this.

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