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Pharaoh and the Phony Pheds

Discussion in 'Teaching abroad' started by Mainwaring, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    I dedicate this story to Foney Pharaoh, Priceless Prince of Pedants and to all those poor deluded job applicants who assure us that spelling doesn't matter.
    It seems that ‘in the quest to cushion the effect of the global financial crisis' the FBI has abandoned communicating sensitive information by certified mail or face-to-face interviews so this morning I received an email from Mr J. Edgar Hoover. Or I'm sure it would have been from Mr Hoover if that particular gentleman were not currently labouring under the considerable handicap of being dead. That being the case, the message was understandably signed by one of his colleagues at the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Washington DC.
    Apparently, in spite of the said world crisis, there is a great deal of unclaimed moolah floating around and the Feds' Global Intelligence, Cyber Division have (sic) discovered my name in a list of unpaid beneficiary (sic). All I have to do to claim my USD $10,700,000.00 is reveal my name (something of a surprise that they don't know it, given that it's on their list) together with a few other helpful bits of personal information and, hey presto, I shall be quids, or at least rupees, in. Rupees? Sorry, I forgot to mention that the spondulicks are unaccountably (there's a joke in there somewhere) lodged with the Reserve Bank of India and it's the babus in Delhi who are eagerly awaiting the access details for my paltry life savings with the Walmington-on-Sea branch of Swallow Bank.
    There is of course a drawback to this golden prospect of lucre and no, it's not the one you're thinking of. Skulduggery is afoot. A certain Mr Cox-Jialo based in Canada and purporting to be my cousin (thinks: must be one of those wretched Ontario Cox-Jialos. If only Uncle Septimus Mainwaring had managed to resist his fatal weakness for Inuit ice-dancers) is also applying for the money ‘on my behalf' so I need to contact the babus pretty damn sharpish to avoid having my claim jumped.
    I'm sorry to have to tell you that I enjoyed basking in the lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money for no more than twenty minutes before Mrs M came down to breakfast and shattered the glittering prospect. Leaving aside certain arguably unlikely details in the Feds' shining scenario she pointed out that the language used by Mr Hoover's colleague didn't quite ring true. The FBI, she said (and how she knows about these things I have no clue: Has she told me absolutely everything about her past life before our eyes sparked mutual fire in that fateful Wigan rehearsal of The Gondoliers in 1967?). The FBI, she assured me, does not use such emotive phrases as ‘this depressing recession' or such miserable clichés as ‘swung into action'.
    But even though my wife seemed so certain that my sudden windfall was not genuine I was about to argue the case when I noticed a detail she had not commented on. My message was signed Agent Shawn Henry, Assistant Director, FBI Cyber Division. Shawn? A cross between a large turd and a small deer? Would the Feds employ a man who couldn't even spell his own name? The case, as they always say in the movies, rests.


     
  2. the evil tokoloshe

    the evil tokoloshe New commenter

    DEAR MR MANWAIRINGS
    I HAVE RITTEN TO YOU MY DEAREST IN MY DARKEST HOURE. I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD MAN AND WILL BE OF THE ABILITY TO HELP A LADY IN DISTRESS. MY NAME IS PRINCESS ABUJA-ABACHA AND MY HUSBAND WAS THE LATE SANI ABACHA OF NIGERIA. ON HIS DEATH THE AUTHORITIES FROZE ALL OF HIS ACCONTS AND ARE NOT LETTING MYSELF OR MY MANY CHILDREN ACCES HIS FORTUNE. I WRITE TO YOU AS RECENTY A COLEGE OF MINE MR AMARETTO ADOBULINGU MANAGE TO TRANSFER A SUM OF 50 MILLION DOLLARS TO NEGHBORING IVORY COAST WHERE IT AWAITS TRANSFER TO AN ALTERNATE ACCOUNT. I AM WRITING TO YOU TO ASK THAT FOR SAKE OF MY HUNGGRY CHILDREN YOU WILL ASSIST IN ME RETRIVING THE MONEY. FOR YOUR ASSISTENCE I WILL GLADLY PAY YOU 50% OF THE AMOUNT (BEING 20 MILLION DOLLARS).
    PLSE DO NOT INFORM ANYONE YOU DO NOT TRUST OF THIS, THE AGENTS ARE EVERYWHERE. IF YOU CAN ASSIST IN ME I PLEASE EMAIL ME IMMIDATELY
    YOUR DARLING BELOVED IN THE LORD
    PRINCESS
     
  3. I fell for it.
     
  4. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Oh, not again! You are far too trusting. How many times have I had to explain to you that pyramid selling is not what it seems?
    Never mind. I know things about the Cox-Jialos and their various aliases that will cook their collective goose for them. Talking of which, did you notice the recent brief appearance of one Clovispoint on 'Teaching Overseas'? I did a forum search and found him and He Who Must Not Be Named chortling over the 'coincidence' which 'they' attributed to a mutual taste for the stories of HH Munro (or perhaps an over-indulgence in Saki). Of the other members of the legion, the latest on Opinion is that Maeve7 has been banned but Sheetmusic has returned as large as life and twice as lovely to refute accusations that he is also WJ Hollenweger. As the Hon. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne used to put it, it's all rather confusing, really.
     
  5. momentofclarity

    momentofclarity New commenter

    The economic crisis must be worse than anyone imagined - even the Nigerians are laying off hard working fraudsters and outsourcing to India.
     
  6. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Yes, it's scary when they start to look really authentic. There was the recent case when crooks very convincingly cloned the website of an international school and milked 'successful' job applicants for thousands of euros for 'visa fees' and other plausible sounding pretexts. This was particularly evil because it effectively encouraged teachers to resign from their current positions because they thought they had secured new employment. The scam was finally rumbled because somebody noticed that the Euro was the wrong currency for the country where the school was situated.
    I was reminded of the above when the 'accountant' of a Knightsbridge bank contacted me this morning and invited me to share the ?1.800,000.00 (One Million, Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds) of customers' money he has cleverly squirreled away. It seems that, like mine, his PC doesn't have a pound sign. On the other hand, the other email in this morning's batch, in spite of one or two grammatical imperfections, absolutely shone with sincerity:
    Hello My Dear,
    I read through your profile today i would like to know you the more. Aslo I want you to send an e-mail to my address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am and for the both of us to know each other very well. Remember the distance or colour does not matter but love, feeling, e-motions and sympathetic love matters alot in life. Thanks, and i promise to be honest and to keep a very good relationship with you. cloviciahollenweger@jcb.net

     
  7. the evil tokoloshe

    the evil tokoloshe New commenter

    I'm waiting for the glut of Gaddafi based ones, I still get the occasional Sani Abacha one, had the 2010 World Cup 'you have won 500 million pounds from FIFA and VISA' ones (including one a month ago), lots of Charles Taylor ones, a sprinkling of Robert Mugabe ones, and many Euromillions lotto ones. The bank ones seem to have died down at the moment, crazy thing was I never had one purporting to be from the bank I use, rather every other bank so they always got immediately deleted.
    Here's one of the revenge pranksters, there's also one on a website called quatloose or somesuch, but this chap comes up with more amusing names:
    http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/
     
  8. You're grown man, M, but I would tread very carefully with this one, if I were you...
     
  9. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    I've seen similar sites and am in awe at the sheer stamina and creativity of these geniuses who scam the scammers.
     
  10. bigfatgit

    bigfatgit Occasional commenter

    http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/
    Check this out for the main man in scam busting


     
  11. the evil tokoloshe

    the evil tokoloshe New commenter

    That's the one I linked to, love the names he gets them to hold up on signs.
     
  12. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    But what a bargain for any school. At least four for the price of one. Though, come to think of it, perhaps multiple personality is the key to 'their' having worked in so many different schools over the past ten years or so.
     
  13. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    My financial affairs continue to be complicated. This morning a Mr Negor emails urgently to inform me that he has been battling vainly with officials at JFK Airport who are refusing to allow my new ATM Visa card into the USA until it can establish its 'diplomatic immunity'. Fortunately help is at hand. To secure the immediate co-operation of US Customs and Immigration all I have to do is send the extremely modest sum of $40.00 to a certain Mr Mbanefu Austin in Benin. How did we ever manage these things before Dan Quayle invented the internet?
    No sooner have I wired my forty bucks than my little ATM difficulty is eclipsed by a second message this time from Mr Matthew Foster (Esq, no less) a London attorney inviting me to share the GBP 10,500,000 estate of a geologist killed with all his family in an air crash (legitimate news link provided) in Malaysia ten years ago. I warm to this Mr Foster who displays commendable delicacy in expressing the hope that this transaction will not offend my 'moral values' (Don't worry, mate, rather you and me than the Treasury) and 'implores (me) to exercise the utmost indulgence in keeping the matter confidential'. Oops!
     
  14. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Another exciting chapter in the thrilling financial saga of the Mainwarings but one, alas, which demonstrates how quickly situations can deteriorate at a time of global financial crisis:
    Yesterday Mr Martin Smith emails to inform me that an ATM VISA CARD worth $4,000,000.00 dollars will fall into my eager hands if I will only tip up the paltry sum of $98.00. I know this is 100% genuine because it emanates from Lagos, that renowned centre of financial probity, and the designated agent is a clergyman, the Reverend Dr Emmanuel Scot. (For behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son and shall call his name Emmanuel, God With Us).
    This morning Mr Micheal Smith (presumably a dyslexic brother of the aforementioned Martin) writes from the same address to inform me that my windfall has, well, fallen to $1,500, 000, while the tip-up fee has nearly doubled.
    ‘How are you today?' he begins chirpily. ‘Not bad, Micheal,' I reply somewhat morosely, ‘though two and a half million bucks were wiped off my assets overnight.'
    And I'm not the only one with troubles. The designated agent appears simply as Dr Emmanuel Scot. It appears that the poor chap has been unfrocked overnight.





     
  15. Take my advice. NEVER use the internet. I don't.
     

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