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Petty?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by knickersinatwist, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. In the holidays I went to visit my best friend who lives abroad. At the time I booked the tickets she was single and we had a lovely girly week planned. As my ticket was so expensive, she had said she would pay for the activities while I was there (although that didn't really matter to me - I would have gone anyway).

    Anyway, less than a month before I flew out, she met a new boyfriend. He spent the entire week (24/7) with us, and came on all of our trips so I spent my week being the gooseberry. My week was pretty miserable after he arranged for him and her to go on 'couples dinners' with other couples he knew, with me just sat there on my own. We also went away for a couple of days - everyone else there was in couples - would have been fine if it had just been me and my friend but they sat together then entire time and I spent most of the time alone. In addition, she paid for him to get into everything leaving me to pay for myself - I was a little annoyed as after what she had said I hadn't saved as much as I would have liked and am still paying for it now.

    Since I returned home I have not heard a thing from her - not even a message on my facebook wall. I'm really torn over what to do over our friendship. I'm quite hurt (although if I am honest not entirely surprised) that she would treat me like that after I went to so much effort to visit. I'm so tempted at the moment to just cut all ties but not sure if it is a knee jerk reaction.
     
  2. In the holidays I went to visit my best friend who lives abroad. At the time I booked the tickets she was single and we had a lovely girly week planned. As my ticket was so expensive, she had said she would pay for the activities while I was there (although that didn't really matter to me - I would have gone anyway).

    Anyway, less than a month before I flew out, she met a new boyfriend. He spent the entire week (24/7) with us, and came on all of our trips so I spent my week being the gooseberry. My week was pretty miserable after he arranged for him and her to go on 'couples dinners' with other couples he knew, with me just sat there on my own. We also went away for a couple of days - everyone else there was in couples - would have been fine if it had just been me and my friend but they sat together then entire time and I spent most of the time alone. In addition, she paid for him to get into everything leaving me to pay for myself - I was a little annoyed as after what she had said I hadn't saved as much as I would have liked and am still paying for it now.

    Since I returned home I have not heard a thing from her - not even a message on my facebook wall. I'm really torn over what to do over our friendship. I'm quite hurt (although if I am honest not entirely surprised) that she would treat me like that after I went to so much effort to visit. I'm so tempted at the moment to just cut all ties but not sure if it is a knee jerk reaction.
     
  3. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    Unfortunately, some women go mental when they get a boyfriend because they get absorbed in the euphoria of their relationship 'bliss' and forget all about their friends. I have given up on a few friends because of this. I haven't cut them out of my life, I've just stopped making the effort to get in touch and inititate events etc.
    I have a boyfriend (ahem, fiancé) myself and I still manage to see my friends regularly, send text messages, write little messages on their Facebook etc. Moreover, I WANT to be in touch with them; I'd go mental if I spent every waking minute JUST with my partner.
    The first couple of friends who did this really upset me. They missed my birthday because of doing soething with their boyfriend instead; they cancelled plans last minute or left events early to go and see their boyfriend; they suddenly didn't want to go on nights out and have a girly giggle, they wanted to "meet for coffee" leaving their evenings free for their boyfriends....after several months of stressing about it, I just decided to stop worrying and leave it be.
    So my advice would be, on't sever all ties. Let her know that her behaviour upset you. Then let things settle down and don't make such an effort to go out of your way to see her just to be let down. If the friendship is meant to last, it will.
     
  4. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    I would be hurt like you. What about writing her a letter, and put in all your other news etc so that it's not just this, then write similarly to how you wrote your post? That way she can see what you're feeling, she can digest it in her own time, and she can decide how she wants to respond. You'll see how much she values you, then, too!
    I don't think it's petty to feel hurt after all that.
     
  5. langteacher

    langteacher Occasional commenter

    This sounds like the behaviour of a young teenager.
    Anyone else should be old enough to know better.
    I would tell her how upset you are.
     
  6. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    I don't think it's petty to feel the way you do at all.
     
  7. Larsy

    Larsy New commenter

    :( You sound like a nice person & I'm sorry you had such a rubbish time. I think she's the type of friend that you should keep at arm's length - you've had a good warning. Yes, some women go mental when they get a boyfriend but you should grow out of that behaviour when you reach your twenties.
    By all means be her friend once you've cooled down - if you want - but never put yourself at her disposal again.
    To be honest I bet you could find nicer friends. :D
     
  8. lunarita

    lunarita Established commenter

    I'd be really peed off having spent a great deal of time and money going to see someone who couldn't @rsed with me.
    I don't think I'd evgen bother cutting her out, just stop bothering with her. It's up to her now if she wants to retain/renew the friendship.
    you might (I would) feel resentful that the money and time could have been better spent, but what's done is done, just forget that bit and move on.
     
  9. Larsy

    Larsy New commenter

    I agree with this; the money's been spent but a lesson's been learned so you'll not lose money that way again because of her. You deserve better.
     
  10. pagoda

    pagoda New commenter

    I had a similar experience and I don't blame you for feeling upset.
    You can't do anything about the money but you went there believing that you were going to have one type of holiday which turned into something quite different. I assume that your friend never mentioned the change of plans in advance of your arrival? Or thought to say to the boyfriend that she had made arrangements with you that she needed to honour? Why did he assume it was ok to hijack your holiday?
    I would wait to see if your friend contacts you and if she does then by all means write (not email or messages via facebook) and explain how you feel about what happened.
    If she does not make contact then perhaps your friend, and her new boyfriend feel (unreasonably in my view) that your behvaviour contributed to a less than enjoyable time for them. Should that be the case then you need to forget the friendship.

     
  11. I've also done this with a few friends. It seems they are unable to maintain existing friendships and be in a relationship at the same time.
    I got fed up of always making the effort to contact them, so decided not to.
    If they got back in touch with me I would be happy to see them again but friendships (the healthy ones at least) work both ways.
    I can understand the OP being upset at what happened on the holiday. Money issue aside, it just seems the friend was inconsiderate while you were there.
     
  12. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I'm sorry you had such a rotten time and agree with the other posters.

    I can't resist asking if you liked her impecunious boyfriend!
     
  13. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    The sad fact of the matter is that some women turn into a bit of a <strike>fanny</strike> sap when they take up with a new bloke.
    Sorry you feel the way you do. I certainly wouldn't blame you.
     
  14. Thanks for all the replies, I think I will see what happens over the next few weeks. I was speaking to my mum last night about it (she is good friends with my friend's mum) and she apparently mentioned something to her mum - just a 'knickersinatwist was disappointed that her and x hadn't been able to spend any girly time together' so there is a good chance she knows.

    Inky - no I thought he was awful - incredibly controlling. I remember one night me and her had decided to go somewhere for dinner and he invited himself and his mates along - he didn't like our choice and said something along the lines of 'oh let's just have a look in there and lo and behold that's where all his friends were. He also spoke to her like she was something he had trodden in which I didn't like at all.
     

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