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Passive Aggressive Mother

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Chocolate Frog Brain, Jun 7, 2011.

  1. I was wondering if anyone can offer me some advice about my
    current circumstances, or maybe just let me rant for a bit. I’ll warn you now
    that if you’re here to make smart ass comments, please don’t bother as you won’t
    get a reply. This is a genuine request for fresh perspectives. And yes, I have
    used this forum before for other wibbles that I have had and do feel as if all
    I do is come on here asking for advice, but here it goes...
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I am an only child of a single parent mother. Since my
    grandmother died 7 years ago, my family has shrunk considerably with various
    other family members cutting off contact. As a result, the only family I really
    have now is my Mum and my 87 year old Grandad.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I have never had a good relationship with my Mum (she has
    mental health problems) and as a result, I went to live with my Grandparents at
    a young age. In fact, I still live with my Grandad now. My Mum looks after him
    during the day and goes home to sleep in her own house in the evening which is
    a stone&rsquo;s throw away from where I live. I visit friends or my boyfriend of a
    weekend when my Mum stays at my Grandad&rsquo;s.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I am in my mid thirties and there are a number of
    circumstances still keeping me at home. As my Mum is my Grandad&rsquo;s sole carer, I
    feel I am giving her some relief being there of a weekday evening. I suppose I&rsquo;d
    feel a bit guilty leaving her with no respite. The other reason I am still at
    home is financial as I owe a lot of money on a loan and credit card and to move
    out and also pay rent would be financially crippling with me having no savings.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>A couple of months ago, I asked if I could have my boyfriend
    to stay during the week as we want to start seeing each other a bit more. He
    lives far enough away to warrant an overnight stay. This was met with a &lsquo;No&rsquo; as
    my Mum is too respectful of my Grandad being a different generation and she
    didn&rsquo;t want us sharing a bed in his house. After some confrontation, my Mum
    said that my Grandad had rights in his own home and if I threatened that I was
    going to have my boyfriend over to stay, they would contact a solicitor to find
    out my Grandad&rsquo;s rights. My Mum has a terrible habit of going to the extreme
    with her threats in order to make me back down.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>At the time, I didn&rsquo;t push the matter and said that I would
    be moving out, but after some reflection, decided I couldn&rsquo;t do this
    financially. I then went back to my Mum and asked if I could have my boyfriend
    to stay in a separate room, to which she said she didn&rsquo;t want to talk about it
    and would need to think it over. When I asked her what there was to think
    about, she simply would not give me any answers.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Frustrated and upset, I tried to make her see that she had
    now moved the goal posts with regards to my boyfriend staying at the house. This
    all took place at her house a couple of evenings ago and she kept asking me to
    leave, but I wouldn&rsquo;t as she wouldn&rsquo;t even reveal her thoughts on the matter.
    It was a completely closed subject.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>When I wouldn&rsquo;t leave she said that she was going to call my
    Uncle to remove me from the house; she also threatened the Police and said that
    if they came round it wouldn&rsquo;t help my career. My Uncle (who, for entirely
    separate reasons, I&rsquo;ve not spoken to for years) came and went without me
    leaving. That night some reparations were made between me and her, although no
    answer was given as to whether my boyfriend could stay in a separate room,
    although she said she would speak to my Grandad about it.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>The following evening after work, I asked her if she&rsquo;d
    spoken to my Grandad , to which she replied he was still thinking about it. I
    wasn&rsquo;t happy that such a simple request required so much thought, so I called
    her later that evening when he was in bed. She said that she was tired and didn&rsquo;t
    want to talk about it, so I said I&rsquo;d wake my Grandad up and talk to him about
    it. She hung up the phone. I went over to her house and knocked on the door,
    but she didn&rsquo;t answer. By this stage, I was really beginning to wonder who was
    going to be making the decision.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I did speak to my Grandad that evening and he said that he
    was not happy for my boyfriend to stay. I pointed out to him that I would be
    being completely respectful of him, by not having him stay in the same room as
    me and that I wondered who was really making the decisions in my Grandad&rsquo;s
    house.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I also pointed out to my Grandad that he put his house half
    in trust to me several years ago and that I probably had rights over who I could
    have in the house and that legally I was probably entitled to have people stay.
    I hated saying this, but I see so few people during the week due to planning
    for school, that I was clutching at whatever I could to try and make him see
    things my way all so I feel a bit less socially isolated during the week.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>After some discussion, my Grandad said that I can have my
    boyfriend to stay in the house, I have thanked him and will respect his wishes
    by me and my boyfriend sleeping in separate rooms.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I&rsquo;ve come home from work this evening to find that my
    Grandad has told my Mum about the decision he has made and she is now giving
    him a frosty reception. She usually nips home for a couple of hours in the
    afternoon and returns for a few hours in the early evening until she puts him
    to bed. She hasn&rsquo;t been over this evening and my Grandad has just put himself
    to bed.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>My Grandad is a total people pleaser and hasn&rsquo;t wanted to rock
    the boat with either of us. In fact, he even suggested he move in with my Mum
    and I have the house, which is what is going to happen eventually, but if he is
    happy staying in his own house, then I am of the opinion he should stay. As a
    decision has finally been made, I can now see that all along it&rsquo;s been my Mum
    that has wanted to control this situation.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Can someone help me make sense of why my Mum is being this
    way? Am I right in thinking she is displaying passive aggressive characteristics?

    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Believe me, I am far from perfect. Her passivity has caused
    me to become angry and aggressive in the past which she continually brings up.
    Whenever we argue at my Grandfather&rsquo;s house, she gets up and leaves telling him
    that he&rsquo;ll have to look after himself that night. Her reasoning for walking
    away is that calm is quickly restored in a house where an elderly person lives.
    However, our issues always remain unresolved. When I told her that I speak to
    my friends about our situations, she made a big thing of being disgusted with
    me, but I genuinely don&rsquo;t have anyone else to speak to if I don&rsquo;t. This is such
    a frustrating situation to be in.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Does she feel threatened? Is she worried she&rsquo;s going to be
    rendered useless if I am seen to be injecting the house with a bit more life and
    if I&rsquo;m generally happier during the week? How can I deal with my Mum? I&rsquo;m not
    going to be able to move out for a while yet, but I just want to know if anybody
    can offer any suggestions or advice on how to deal with this.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I have yet to arrange my boyfriend staying over for the
    first time, so may have to deal with more of the proverbial hitting the fan,
    but I want to do it sooner rather than later in case she meddles anymore. I
    feel very depressed during the week in the house and am like a different person
    when I&rsquo;m socialising with my boyfriend and friends of a weekend. I feel really
    helpless and know that any attempts I make at trying to get her to see her for
    how she truly is will prove fruitless.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Any coping strategies greatly appreciated and if you&rsquo;re
    still reading, thanks for your patience.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>
     
  2. I was wondering if anyone can offer me some advice about my
    current circumstances, or maybe just let me rant for a bit. I&rsquo;ll warn you now
    that if you&rsquo;re here to make smart ass comments, please don&rsquo;t bother as you won&rsquo;t
    get a reply. This is a genuine request for fresh perspectives. And yes, I have
    used this forum before for other wibbles that I have had and do feel as if all
    I do is come on here asking for advice, but here it goes...
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I am an only child of a single parent mother. Since my
    grandmother died 7 years ago, my family has shrunk considerably with various
    other family members cutting off contact. As a result, the only family I really
    have now is my Mum and my 87 year old Grandad.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I have never had a good relationship with my Mum (she has
    mental health problems) and as a result, I went to live with my Grandparents at
    a young age. In fact, I still live with my Grandad now. My Mum looks after him
    during the day and goes home to sleep in her own house in the evening which is
    a stone&rsquo;s throw away from where I live. I visit friends or my boyfriend of a
    weekend when my Mum stays at my Grandad&rsquo;s.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I am in my mid thirties and there are a number of
    circumstances still keeping me at home. As my Mum is my Grandad&rsquo;s sole carer, I
    feel I am giving her some relief being there of a weekday evening. I suppose I&rsquo;d
    feel a bit guilty leaving her with no respite. The other reason I am still at
    home is financial as I owe a lot of money on a loan and credit card and to move
    out and also pay rent would be financially crippling with me having no savings.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>A couple of months ago, I asked if I could have my boyfriend
    to stay during the week as we want to start seeing each other a bit more. He
    lives far enough away to warrant an overnight stay. This was met with a &lsquo;No&rsquo; as
    my Mum is too respectful of my Grandad being a different generation and she
    didn&rsquo;t want us sharing a bed in his house. After some confrontation, my Mum
    said that my Grandad had rights in his own home and if I threatened that I was
    going to have my boyfriend over to stay, they would contact a solicitor to find
    out my Grandad&rsquo;s rights. My Mum has a terrible habit of going to the extreme
    with her threats in order to make me back down.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>At the time, I didn&rsquo;t push the matter and said that I would
    be moving out, but after some reflection, decided I couldn&rsquo;t do this
    financially. I then went back to my Mum and asked if I could have my boyfriend
    to stay in a separate room, to which she said she didn&rsquo;t want to talk about it
    and would need to think it over. When I asked her what there was to think
    about, she simply would not give me any answers.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Frustrated and upset, I tried to make her see that she had
    now moved the goal posts with regards to my boyfriend staying at the house. This
    all took place at her house a couple of evenings ago and she kept asking me to
    leave, but I wouldn&rsquo;t as she wouldn&rsquo;t even reveal her thoughts on the matter.
    It was a completely closed subject.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>When I wouldn&rsquo;t leave she said that she was going to call my
    Uncle to remove me from the house; she also threatened the Police and said that
    if they came round it wouldn&rsquo;t help my career. My Uncle (who, for entirely
    separate reasons, I&rsquo;ve not spoken to for years) came and went without me
    leaving. That night some reparations were made between me and her, although no
    answer was given as to whether my boyfriend could stay in a separate room,
    although she said she would speak to my Grandad about it.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>The following evening after work, I asked her if she&rsquo;d
    spoken to my Grandad , to which she replied he was still thinking about it. I
    wasn&rsquo;t happy that such a simple request required so much thought, so I called
    her later that evening when he was in bed. She said that she was tired and didn&rsquo;t
    want to talk about it, so I said I&rsquo;d wake my Grandad up and talk to him about
    it. She hung up the phone. I went over to her house and knocked on the door,
    but she didn&rsquo;t answer. By this stage, I was really beginning to wonder who was
    going to be making the decision.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I did speak to my Grandad that evening and he said that he
    was not happy for my boyfriend to stay. I pointed out to him that I would be
    being completely respectful of him, by not having him stay in the same room as
    me and that I wondered who was really making the decisions in my Grandad&rsquo;s
    house.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I also pointed out to my Grandad that he put his house half
    in trust to me several years ago and that I probably had rights over who I could
    have in the house and that legally I was probably entitled to have people stay.
    I hated saying this, but I see so few people during the week due to planning
    for school, that I was clutching at whatever I could to try and make him see
    things my way all so I feel a bit less socially isolated during the week.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>After some discussion, my Grandad said that I can have my
    boyfriend to stay in the house, I have thanked him and will respect his wishes
    by me and my boyfriend sleeping in separate rooms.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I&rsquo;ve come home from work this evening to find that my
    Grandad has told my Mum about the decision he has made and she is now giving
    him a frosty reception. She usually nips home for a couple of hours in the
    afternoon and returns for a few hours in the early evening until she puts him
    to bed. She hasn&rsquo;t been over this evening and my Grandad has just put himself
    to bed.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>My Grandad is a total people pleaser and hasn&rsquo;t wanted to rock
    the boat with either of us. In fact, he even suggested he move in with my Mum
    and I have the house, which is what is going to happen eventually, but if he is
    happy staying in his own house, then I am of the opinion he should stay. As a
    decision has finally been made, I can now see that all along it&rsquo;s been my Mum
    that has wanted to control this situation.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Can someone help me make sense of why my Mum is being this
    way? Am I right in thinking she is displaying passive aggressive characteristics?

    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Believe me, I am far from perfect. Her passivity has caused
    me to become angry and aggressive in the past which she continually brings up.
    Whenever we argue at my Grandfather&rsquo;s house, she gets up and leaves telling him
    that he&rsquo;ll have to look after himself that night. Her reasoning for walking
    away is that calm is quickly restored in a house where an elderly person lives.
    However, our issues always remain unresolved. When I told her that I speak to
    my friends about our situations, she made a big thing of being disgusted with
    me, but I genuinely don&rsquo;t have anyone else to speak to if I don&rsquo;t. This is such
    a frustrating situation to be in.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Does she feel threatened? Is she worried she&rsquo;s going to be
    rendered useless if I am seen to be injecting the house with a bit more life and
    if I&rsquo;m generally happier during the week? How can I deal with my Mum? I&rsquo;m not
    going to be able to move out for a while yet, but I just want to know if anybody
    can offer any suggestions or advice on how to deal with this.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>I have yet to arrange my boyfriend staying over for the
    first time, so may have to deal with more of the proverbial hitting the fan,
    but I want to do it sooner rather than later in case she meddles anymore. I
    feel very depressed during the week in the house and am like a different person
    when I&rsquo;m socialising with my boyfriend and friends of a weekend. I feel really
    helpless and know that any attempts I make at trying to get her to see her for
    how she truly is will prove fruitless.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>Any coping strategies greatly appreciated and if you&rsquo;re
    still reading, thanks for your patience.
    <font size="3" face="Times New Roman">

    </font>
     
  3. This is honestly not a smart ass comment, I know you say a number of circumstances are keeping you at home but I really think it is this causing the problems, I do love my dad but whenever he has stayed here I have generally been ready to throw him in the north sea with rocks tied to his ankles (joke, sort of anyway) it does all sound very difficult, I'm sorry you are experiencing this x
     
  4. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    I'm going to go back and read it through again but this is the thing that immediately sprang out at me, I'm afraid - is that it's your Grandad's house and he has the right to have or not have people staying over in it as he sees fit. What will happen to it when he dies is neither here nor there.
    I also live with my Grandad and I honestly wouldn't dream of having my boyfriend stay over (were I to have one), even in a separate room, as I know that he wouldn't be comfortable with it or like it. Course, this is an incentive to move out as soon as possible, but while I'm here I'm his guest and his preferences take precedence.
     
  5. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    well, technically his lodger but the point still stands.
     
  6. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    I agree with both the above posts. The house is your grandfather's and his views are the ones that count - not your mother's and not yours. If you want to make the decisions you need your own place. Your relationship with your mother is a separate issue. Where does your boyfriend live? Does he have his own place?
     
  7. I don't really understand why you asked your mum for permission to have your boyfriend stay in your grandfather's house.
    I don't understand why you wouldn't leave her house when she wanted you to.
    I mainly don't understand why you still want your boyfriend to stay in your grandfather's house, when you have already said you know your grandfather is uncomfortable with this.
    Your grandfather doesn't want your boyfriend to stay, his daughter knows he doesn't want your boyfriend to stay, but you have talked your grandfather into allowing your boyfriend to stay because one day your grandfather's house will be yours. And you want his daughter to agree with you?
    You don't want comments from anyone who disagrees with you, so really you shouldn't have posted on a public forum.
    You appear (to me) to be a bully, but maybe it's just the way you described the events.



     
  8. andromache

    andromache New commenter

    why is your thread title about your mum, when your question isn't?
     
  9. Your issue with your mother aside, that part that astounds me is this:
    I also pointed out to my Grandad that he put his house half in trust to me several years ago and that I probably had rights over who I could have in the house and that legally I was probably entitled to have people stay. I hated saying this, but I see so few people during the week due to planning for school, that I was clutching at whatever I could to try and make him see things my way all so I feel a bit less socially isolated during the week.
    Your Grandad was good enough to you to give you the security of knowing that you always had a roof over your head and this is how you repay him?

     
  10. No matter how many times I try to read through the OP objectively I can't help but come to the conclusion that you are coming across as a nasty piece of work.
    Your Grandfather does not want your boyfriend in his house. You should be respectful of his wishes.
     
  11. My goodness you are in your 30s and still haven't left home?
    Nothing could make me continue living with my family members after I had to; independence mattered more than anything.
    I suggest you save for a deposit and move out into your own place, either to buy or rent, as soon as you can and then you can see your boyfriend as much as possible.
     
  12. They are doing you a favour by letting you live there. You have stated that because of your debts you cannot afford to live independently.
    Your mother and grandfather did not wish for your boyfriend to stop over. As far as I'm concerned that is the end of the matter. However, reasonable discussion with your grandfather managed a compromise solution. What's your problem with that? Ramming your legal rights down his throat is an appalling thing to do. Your mother has an excuse as she has mental health issues. What's your excuse?
    I&rsquo;ll warn you now that if you&rsquo;re here to make smart ass comments, please don&rsquo;t bother as you won&rsquo;t get a reply.
    Good. The less i hear from you the happier I'll be. Start acting like a grown-up. Save up and move out. The passive-aggressive person here is you. But without the passive.
     
  13. You are living in your Grandad's house and he calls the shots. I am sorry, but that is how it works.
    I am confused as to why you asked your mother if your bf could stay in your Grandad's house?
    Surely the first person to ask would be your Grandad?
    I feel you have placed him in an awful position - he is now between a rock and a hard place. He has you to deal with and your mother to deal with, before he even has a chance to grasp breath and deal with your boyfriend!
    Your Grandad decides what is done in his house - neither you nor your mother have a right to decide for him, nor place the burden on him to mediate between the two of you.

     
  14. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Absolutely. In fact I'm feeling sorry for him, having such an aggressive and entitled little madam to deal with in his own house.
     
  15. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    :ALERT: Smart ass comment coming...
    If you want independence, you have to actually do something to achieve it. Pay off your debts ASAP and then begin to find somewhere to move out. Then you can have all the friends/boyfriends you want round.
    The problem isn't with your mum/elderly granddad - it's with you.
     
  16. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    so choccy frog, you are waiting for him to croak?
     
  17. I have to agree with the comments that have already been made. You are living in your grandfather's house. Show him the respect that he deserves. He's said that he's not comfortable with your boyfriend staying over. Don't bully him into agreeing to something that he doesn't want.
    If you want that independnce, then get your own place. But while you live in his house, you go by his rules.
     
  18. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter


    Okay, I've perused and here's my fresh perspective, you probably won't like it though
    I am seriously glad that you're not a member of my family and that you aren't anywhere near my grandad. Imo, anyone who is 87 has earned the right to live peacefully in their own home without having to deal with the demands and wants of a seriously selfish grand-daughter.
    Can't you cope for 5 days at a time? Seriously?
    Oh, I believe you.
    Probably.
    Here's one. Grow up.

     
  19. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    You would think that the fact that everyone who's posted is appalled by the OP's sense of entitlement and her attitude towards her grandfather would tell her something. Sadly, I doubt that she has the maturity or the powers of self reflection to see it.
     
  20. Seeing as the OP asked for advice and comments, it would be nice to see her back her to read what we've said....but maybe she only reads if people say positive things. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything positive to say, as I believe she is completely in the wrong.
     

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