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Parent issues...AGAIN. Advice needed x

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by whistle4it, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    Hi all,
    Completely unrelated to B&T but I've moaned about my parents on here and got some really lovely responses so I hope you won't mind.
    Some of you will know that recently my partner lost his teaching job. It has been a year since this happened and it nearlly killed me. He has just had an interview, amazingly, for a non education job, and was offered the position...we were sooooo happy, I've managed to forgive him and life was almost normal.
    However, an anonymous call has been made to the company disclosing this information about him, and advising them not to employ him. He was told by CAB and his solicitor that it was not necessary to disclose this information.
    The only people who knew about the job were his and my family. My parents live abroad and have been pestering me to leave him, as they cannot "forgive" him. The call was made by a man. There are only 2 men as part of this family. My Dad has been grilling my sister about dates and times of the interview, ringing on a daily basis to see if he has heard anything, and has been on their website a lot (the head office one.) He was on it when my sister went to visit. When I told him what had happened he became extremely flustered and so I know it is him, plus he started saying that any company SHOULD know about this and he should have told them.
    I just know it is him. Do I say this? I know I will be accused of being the spawn of Satan if I do but I'm horrified. My relationship with them is awful anyway. My son is 18 months and they havent seen him since 6 weeks old. Please help x
  2. what a horrible thing for your father to do. if my father did that to me i'd cut contact. i'm sorry this is happening to you x
  3. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    Tis horrid isn't it. I dont feel as though I can let it lie, not this time. The things that my father thinks about my OH are poisonous, and he has really shocked me. I am, as usual, too nervous to do anything about it. I dont have actual proof, but I know it was him. I love him, he's my Dad, and I dont know what his reasons were, but I dont see how he can feel that this wouldnt have a horrific effect on me. I am disgusted, and struggling thinking about what to do now x
  4. princessmelody

    princessmelody New commenter

    I think the longer you leave it the longer it will eat away at you. You need to confront him. If you cant do it over the phone then email him.
    Personally, I would cut him out (and I think I remember another thread) and your mum as well. If it was him, not only is he not being supportive he is actively making your life (and the life of your LO) difficult. That's just nasty.
  5. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    Trying not to be wet...any suggestions for what to write? I know the response will be
    a) how could you? You've broken your father's heart OR
    b) my OH is lying about the call to drive a wedge between me and them.
    I have no proof though :( This is revolting! x
  6. undiwear

    undiwear New commenter

    Sometimes you have to assess whether the good that someone brings to your life outweighs the bad. If it doesn't then make a decision based on that. You have yourself, your husband and your small child to take up a the majority of your energies and your first loyalty is to them. If someone is sapping the goodness of life out of you then it may be the time to limit contact with him. How much contact you keep is dependent on you alone. You are an adult now and have a right to do that with no guilt. Good luck whatever decision you make. Remember that the happiness of your immediate family comes before that of any other.

    Sorry this is so dry. I hope this helps.
  7. MLT


    If it was me, I would go in all guns blazzing, however thats not always right!
    Do you need your father to admit its him? Do you need to confront him? Or do you just need to sever contact? Clearly you have to do something, but its important to know what you need from this.
    If, unlike me, you just need him to know you know, why not word the letter along the lines of .... I'm very upset that this has happened .... how could someone be so cruel to do this ..... the worse thing is that i must know who did it and i feel so betrayed without knowing who it is ........... if i ever found out i would have to cut contact. This way it makes your feeling clear without the arm waving and yelling.
    However if you need him to admit it and then cut contact (I would go for that one myself), you need to have it out. Clearly, their contact with your LO is not that important to them and they are trying to control you/ force you to depend on them. The first thing you need to do, is accept that what ever happens that there is going to be some kind of drama. But while accepting that, promise your son that this will be the last time this will happen. I say promise your son, as the hesitation you feel about making a decision based on you is taken away. All us daughters, hesitate to do anything negative involving parents, however are wild cats when it comes to our kids.
    What ever happens, you must act on what is good for you all.

  8. Okay...I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle. Reading between the lines of this and your other posts over the past year or so, it may be that your parents are trying (perhaps misguidedly) to protect you. They obviously deem whatever your OH was investigated about to be serious enough that they no longer want you to be married to him - perhaps by attempting to sabotage his new job offer they are hoping to make life difficult enough that you might consider leaving him. Not defending their methods, but could this be why they've felt the need to get involved?
  9. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    Yes Bunique, that is possible, but I don't know that it is right for him to have taken it upon himself to do this to my family. Yes, what he did crossed the professional line but it was my choice to work on forgiving him. So in this vein, what should I do?
    Thanks for the other advice. I don't think he will ever admit to this and it would become my OHs fault AGAIN for turning me against them. In my last marriage he "turned me against them" as well. Hmmmmm. Oh bloody hell, what a mess! : (
  10. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    I still haven't done anything. They are being very quiet x

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