1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded education professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

parent going into nursing home - does anyone have experience that could help please?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by san38, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. san38

    san38 New commenter

    Hi, don't know what to do next really - seeing GP tomorrow but hoped someone might have practical experience. My Mum is in her late 80s and for some time has been in poor physical condition, including not being able to eat and being fed directly into her stomach which she has always managed herself. She also can't speak and although we can understand her we can't hear her on the phone etc.. Anyway, despite these problems she has been perfectly 'compos metus' and has managed all of this well. Last few weeks she is going downhill mentally - I am getting phone calls in the middle of the night becuase she doesn't know it's night, she is seeing and hearing people who aren't there and now she has 'forgotten' how to do her feeding and for the last 2 days I am having to go and do it for her. I saw a GP last week and Mum agreed that it may be the time to start looking at residential care 'for the future'. However, if she can't feed herself the future I feel is now. I will be back at work full time next week and can't imagine how I am going to cope. Websites say people usually recieve an assessment for care whilst in hospital - she's not in hospital though and the GP last week said this wasn't 'acute' so nurses coming in/hospital admission wouldn't be appropriate. To repeat though - don't know what to do next - can I go to care homes direct? Does she have to be assessed first and how do I sort this? Anyone with any advice about the whole system? I'd be very grateful to hear.
     
  2. May2

    May2 Established commenter

    Sorry to hear about your worries regarding your mother. There are a couple of other threads on hear about coping with elderly parents which lots of really caring helpful people reply to. one of them has probably slipped to page 2 or 3.
    If you are lucky enough to have money available to pay for residential care, and I know it does cost a fortune, then you can go and view some local nursing homes, discuss her situation and find the one you like best. They will then visit your mother and do an assessment to make sure they can accommodate her needs.
    Hopefully her G.P will be able to give you some good advice.
    If not I think you would get help and advice from hers or your local authority Elderly Care Team which you could look for on the internet under your local Council.
    I hope others will be able to give some more informed advice as it is so hard knowing where to turn when you first come up against these new situations
     
  3. May2

    May2 Established commenter

    the thread I was referring to has slipped to page 4 or 5 now about 'coping with elderly relatives especially with alzchiemers, but covers lots of discussion about homes etc. Sorry I am useless and don't know how to add a link!
     
  4. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh, such a confusing time for you.
    If your Mother has suddenly gone downhill, it may be as simple as some kinf of infection, a UTI for example, they're very common in elderly women. So do get your Mum checked out for this.(When Mum had her first UTI, she had just spread all her tablets out from their packaging, onto
    the living room table and asked, "Are these what I have to live off
    from now on?")This can be treated quite easily and once she's on the mend she may be even be able to continue living at home, unless she really feels a home is where she wants to be.
    Dementia, tends to progress much more slowly and insiduously, si it's much more likely to be some temporary problem and you say yourself the GP doesn't consider it acute.
    If you do go the Care Home route, a lot depends if your Mum would be self-funding or not. You might like to have a look at my thread
    <h3>Coping with elderly parents-particularly Alzheimer's Rant & Advice spot, </h3>which although not specifically on Care Homes has some useful advice about coping with the practicalities of caring for our aged parents.


     
  5. san38

    san38 New commenter

    Thank you both very much for these kind and helpful responses - I will certainly look at the links. UTI has been ruled out - Doc thinks likely to be age related or a spread of the cancer she had in her neck to her brain and in his words 'doesn't make much difference which at this stage'. Just been round and from massively mixed up earlier she was fine again... All very strange and stressful!
    Thanks again for advice.
     
  6. You have my every sympathy, san38. I hope things go as well as can be expected for you.
     
  7. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    So sorry to hear about your mum, OP. I hope you manage to find a solution to benefit everyone.
    I have no experience with this and have nothing to offer on the subject, but thought I'd mention that there's an NHS care home for the elderly near where I live and it actually looks really nice.
    Might there be a big difference cost wise between the privately owned and NHS ones? We're in Scotland, if that's relevant.
    All the best x
     
  8. Do please check out the infection possibility. My mum recently deteriorated but she went quiet and stopped doing things and ate very little. We just thought she was slipping away quietly and did nothing except visit regularly until I found her collapsed on the floor. Turns out she had a chest infection and a blood clot on her lung. I feel SO guilty that I didn't even think of alerting a doctor. These were standard indicators of an infection apparently. She spent 10 days in hospital and has now come to live with me. I am working full time this term so it is going to be very difficult but at least my husband is at home all day.
    Care homes in my area are about &pound;1000 a week. I have no idea if this differs in Scotland.
    Good luck and do read Lara's thread, it has loads of advice and support.
     
  9. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Jesus wept. How is anyone supposed to afford that? I'm shocked.
     
  10. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    "Care homes in my area are about &pound;1000 a week."Indeed many do cost this amount.
    Nursing Homes tend to be more expensive than general Care Homes and privately run ones generally more expensive than Trusts.
    If one has savings of more than &pound;23,000 (and this includes of course any property) then one is presumed to be what's termed 'self-funding' and one has to 'run down' ones' savings to that point until one can expect any help from Social Services. Thereafter you are expected to contribute until savings fall to &pound;16,000. If a spouse lives in the property, only half the value is taken into account and I believe (this doesn't effect me as my Mother is widowed, so do check this) that one can 'defer payment', so the house doesn't have to be sold leaving the remaining partner homeless. I'm unsure, whether that 'deferred payment' incrues interest payments whilst waiting?
     
  11. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Forgot to add.(Interesting conversation with Social Services person who helped me place Mum in Care post hospital.) Social Services often 'negotiate rates' with Care Homes and when your relative has been a long time in Care, it may be worth trying to do this yourself. Not many people do, apparently, and of course the answer may well be 'No', but one could but try.
     
  12. Yes my Mum is in a nursing home and the fees are &pound;1000 a week plus any personal things like hair, newspapers etc. Mum is self funding at the moment but we are hoping that the Social Services will step in as she is down to her last &pound;24,000. Before her property was sold she did have a loan from SS and there was no interest to pay on that so maybe it would apply to a house sell.
    I understood that they could not take the house into consideration at all if a dependent was living there.
    Be aware of what is called " a third party contribution" ie you . They can ask you to top up the fees.
    When Mum went into care we had to visit the homes and arrange a transfer from hospital as she was self funding. If your Mum is not self Funding Social Services give you a list to choose from.
    Your Mum's behaviour is typical of somebody with an UTI . I would get it checked again. Can you get a second opinion from another Doctor? Ask again about a home if only for respite. You will make yourself ill if you have to nurse/care for her and work full time. I know that from experience.
    Sorry rather rambling but I hope of some use.
     
  13. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    No need to apologise sandridge, some very useful advice there, especially about the 'extras' that no-one warns you about.
     
  14. san38

    san38 New commenter

    Indeed - very useful. Thanks all for the practical and sympathetic responses. She has over &pound;23,000 having sold her own house and gone into a council bungalow so I understand that she will be self funding. I have actually visited 2 care homes today -they seemed nice and the weekly fees were just over &pound;500 so less than some of those quoted thankfully. Will have to see how it goes - as you saying am getting the UTI issues checked out again, and of course, waiting to see how she herself feels about the idea over the coming weeks.
    Many thanks again to all who have taken the time to respond -I have been feeling very depressed over the situation and it really helps to have so many kind responses.
     
  15. BUT it will take a load off your mind knowing that she is being looked after and your blood pressure won't go sky high everytime the phone rings because you are afraid of what might have happened. She will feel safe as well.
    It sounds as though you have been looking at Residential homes going by the fees. It might be worth thinking about a home which is also a Nursing Home so that if ,in the future, your Mum needs nursing you will not have to move her. We had to move my Mum from Residential to Nursing which was very upsetting for everyone.

     
  16. san38

    san38 New commenter

    Thanks again sandridge and so true.... I am getting to hate the sound of the phone ringing - it correlates with a big increase in heart rate - especially at 3am!
     

Share This Page