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over protective daddy is driving me insane

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by bunique, Nov 9, 2011.

  1. That sounds tough for you both. What is he worred will happen? I wonder, with an armchair psychologist hat on, if he has some unresolved fears of losing the baby having been through what you have to get her here. How does he feel about her going to a childminder/nursery on return to work (if you are)? Perhaps a chat with him about what he's afraid of and a mutual discussion about how to avoid those fears becoming reality might help?
     
  2. I return to work in May and that's our next hurdle. He has said he will research and 'vet' (is that the word?) the child minder. In an ideal world think he would rather I stay home, but finances won't allow that!
    Chats always end up heated with me in frustrated tears. I think i'll have to ask again after the wedding and have that chat. Something to look forward to.

     
  3. Bless u that is very hard. Child-rearing causes all sorts of probs between parents even when things are going fine never mind when u have had a rocky start. Can see it from both points of view as my youngest ended up in hospital at 6 weeks old with meningitis and my hubby went to pieces both during and after leaving me feeling for a while that it was my fault. However u can and will get past this if u both still want this relationship to work.
    Perhaps u could discuss postponing the wedding a few months until Lo is older and stronger (in his opinion so that u can have the wedding of your dreams? U could suggest counselling (but say its for both of u) to overcome the stress of the prem birth and illness.
    He must learn to let go as he cannot control everything and even if he could its not healthy. Start off with something small like letting your sis push the buggy accompanied, then progress tiny step by tiny step hopefully he will see his fears are groundless and then relax a little. First however get him to talk over ALL his worries his fears right from the time u went into prem labour or even the long wait for conception and if poss just listen and empathsise... Don't rubbish him even if he thoughts and fears are groundless melodramatic or just plain stupid. He has prob been keeping in all his fears/emotions and got them out of perspective. Talking them through aloud in a supportive way may give him clarity and allow u both to move on.
    Good luck and big hugs
     
  4. I'm kind of wondering whether he has something like post-natal anxiety? I know recent research has said Dads can suffer from PND so it's a possibility. I'm guessing at the moment he doesn't see that it's a problem?
    Re: the wedding - we got married in July when LO was 7 and a half months. She was with me all morning while we got ready at my parents - plenty of bridesmaids and others around to entertain her. She travelled to the ceremony with my mum and was looked after by a couple of people there. She was quite grizzly (needed boob) but a family friend rocked her to sleep for most of it. She was with us through the photos, then sat in a highchair at our table during the meal and was cuddled to sleep by my mum towards the end of dinner. During the evening she was a bit passed from pillar to post to keep her away from the loud music but I think by that stage she'd got used to most of our guests so was quite happy. She crashed out (in her car seat - not ideal!) about 9pm, slept until 1am when I put her in our hotel room with a baby monitor and a pregnant guest on baby-listening duty! She woke when we eventually went to bed at 5, fed and went back to sleep. That's a rather long-winded way of saying it's entirely possible to have a wedding day without having to hire anyone :) And we LOVED having her as an integral part of the day - it made for some great photos :)
     
  5. Keep Smiling!

    Keep Smiling! New commenter

    I just wanted to say you shouldn't feel like a neglectful mum at all! My LO is 4 months old and since she was 2 months she has stayed one night at the weekend (each week) at my mums. It started with us all staying there so I could have a little rest and now she stays by herself. It has been a godsend! At first it meant we got one full night of sleep a week which was bliss and now it means me and my husband get to spend an evening together, going out for a meal and a few drinks or even a take away and x factor! My mum adores having her and she is spoilt rotten by her.

    Some people criticise and say she is my child so I should have her all the time but I think it does us both good. She will also be going to nursery when I return to work so it's good she is used to other people and not just me. I also think it is important to spend time as a couple - not just as mummy and daddy! It may not be what everyone wants but it works for us as a family. I realise there's no real advice buy I just didn't want you to feel like a bad mum because you want a bit of time on your own- it is perfectly normal and I think quite healthy!
     
  6. Keep Smiling!

    Keep Smiling! New commenter

    Sorry about lack of paragraphs, on I phone!
     
  7. Hi, I posted in response to you're other thread too so apologies for repeating myself. My OH has similar issues, but possibly for different reasons as he feels that it's out job to look after LO and he feels guilty if anyone else has her. She's nearly 14 months and we've managed one baby free evening and one baby free day!
    What changed my OH point of view was her starting nursery, and eventually settling in there. We had written to them at the beginning and said that she would be with us and not attending during all the school hols. At the time, my friend who is a teacher and has an older LO suggested it would be good for her to keep going but my OH wouldn't hear of it and to be honest I thought it was a bit selfish. However, one week before half term when we were both knackered and hadn't managed to get any housework or jobs done for 6 weeks he said maybe she should attend one morning a week in the hols, so that's what we did. It was good for her and good for us.
    The point I'm making is that you may find that as she gets older, his opinions change. He may realise that you both need a break sometimes. It may not come in time for the wedding but eventually he will realise that others can look after her too, and sometimes should.
     
  8. Sorry 2 threads going at the same time, baby brain!
    LO is well and healthy now so no issues over her health. Thank god.
    The wedding is next week, looks like Lo will be with us/family all day and not decided on evening arrangements but pretty certain I wont be allowed to get in a registered crb cleared sitter.
    Ive tried to discuss his concerns but he does nt acknowledge the conversation and it all gets very frustrating. I asked what he was worried about, what would they do to her at a creche, what could happen. He replied that he has read papers and seen news and they could pinch her, poke her, hurt her, abuse her and that he could nt believe I was happy to leave her with just anyone. I firmly bit my tongue at this point but im seething now.
    So no progress has been made, I think im going to have to wait until after the wedding and honey moon to have a proper chat. This cant go on, poor child wont be allowed to leave the house.
    Big sigh (and thanks) x

     
  9. Oh gosh, I feel a bit sorry for him having read that - it's awful to go through life with so much fear - and awful for you having to live with the consequences of it too. Not sure what to suggest but it sounds like he has a few issues!
     
  10. I feel for you both - as Bunique suggested, it must be horrible to live your life feeling that amount of fear however it is making you feel guilty when you shouldn't.

    I think he does need some help to help him realise he is being irrational- but suggesting to him that he may need support is an incredibly difficult thing to do as he will deny it and it may well start an argument. Is there anyone else who could talk to him, though it is a delicate balance- you don't want to make it look like you are talking behind his back.

    You are not being unreasonable in what you want, and he needs to be able to see the effect he is having on you- so you need some time without baby to talk through your issues- I think you need a full and frank discussion- however hard it may be. It has to be you who can instigate it. I guess you need to try and make it clear you are not being angry or judgemental but you feel something needs to change...lay it on the line, the effect he is having on you. and try and make him see he is being irrational.
    The trouble is, how far you can get in this conversation without him becoming angry.
    You could also try and write something- tell him everything you feel is happening, how you are feeling and how you can understand how he is feeling but something needs to change- then maybe some thinking time will help him start to realise he does need some help/is being irrational and then come together to talk.
    - which could be difficult to arrange
     

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