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outraged for friend

Discussion in 'Personal' started by crabapple99, Aug 22, 2011.

  1. I've seen other people post about problems their friends are having, and I understand the feeling of needing somewhere to let off steam.
    My friend, I'll cal her E, is a single Mum with two daughters, one of whom has severe special needs. She is from a Jamiacan family, but has lived here all her life. Her Mum flits between here and Jamaica as she sees fit, and parks herself on my friend for indefinate periods, even a year or more, when ever she feels like it. The Mum also has a son, a lovely teenage boy, who gets dragged back and forth, and regularly left behind. "E" end up strugling to support the two extra "guests" as well as being totally squashed in her two bedroom home. The boy, apparantly, cannot be taken back to Jamaica, because the British school system is so "dreadful" that he is too far behind to be able to transfer between the two systems, so he has spent the best part of the last 5 years being E's responsibility too, but then he is sometimes taken away for months on end, which can do nothing for his education, then dumped back again, and E is left to find a school to take hime in.
    I am so sick of seing E used in this way. It isn't just a one off, over the years I've seen her totally worn down by all the demands her mother makes. E tells me she can't kick her out, because it is her culture.
    The mother is there now, has been for about 9 months so far, planted in the living room, acting as if she owns the place, I can't even get past her on the phone to see E, or the children, who are friends of my children.
    I'm not looking for answers, but can anyone explain this "culture" to me, of taking everything your daughter works so hard for, and treating it as if it is your own, expecting your daughter to run round you in circles, pandering to your every whim, and frequently abandoning your lovely son, because he is too "stupid" to live in Jamaica with you??
    Rant over
  2. I don't have any advice but I feel for your friend-it sounds like a horrid and very stressful situation to live in. Just out of interest, does she get respite care for her daughter with special needs? This may help to make things a bit easier on her but it does sound intolerable.
  3. No, she doesn't get any respite care. Maybe it is something we should look in to.
  4. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    I don't see how 'culture' is anything to do with it. Her mum does it because she allows her to. I can't get angry about someone who won't grow a backbone.
  5. Well, I have my doubts about it being cultural too, but don't know enough Jamaicans myself to be sure, which is one reason I am asking.
    I think part of the problem is E's younger brother already feels his existance is a bother to all concerned, and she feels standing up to her mother and trying to make them leave is going to make the boy feel worse. She does love him, but just can't cope with the extra mouth to feed, the extra space to find, and the extra time and input a teenage boy should feel is right to expect from his carers. He's not daft, he knows this, he does try and help with housework and baby sitting, but then it isn't fair for a boy this age to feel he has to justify his existance either, and any way, the younger girl's needs are completely beyond what he can cope with
  6. I think your friend should look into respite care as that will reduce one factor of her stress. I know the parents of the disabled teenagers I work with find what little respite care they can get invaluable.
  7. Crabbie, depending on how close you are to this person, perhaps you could simply tell her face to face what you have said here. Then could you be present with her when she confronts her mother? She probably feels as if she is risking her relationship to her family and that they need her.
    This girl needs a spinal transplant.


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