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Opinions on this relationship situation needed. Long.

Discussion in 'Personal' started by differentname, Sep 12, 2007.

  1. rb - he's never been willing to leave, as such...he was the first one to bring things up, but he didn't want to leave straight away because he wants to work on things...otherwise he'd have gone by now. He still loves me. I still love him. Is that enough?

    Dudess - I have no shortage of male attention when I'm out! When I'm with my partner, he gets angry with it. When I'm with my neighbour/another girly friend and I mention it when I get home, he doesn't care about it, or says "why are you telling me?"

    Mentorist and Pip - I know. :)
  2. I feel very sorry for you.

    it seems you have a rational view of the relationship, which allows you to realise that despite any weight gain, you are still an attractive girl and I think you are also trying to be reasonable too. Most women would become worried if a girl started throwing herself at their partner, no matter how convinced of his fidelity - it can't be nice.

    However, because of your lack of family and your "own" friends that you made yourself (nowt wrong with secondhand friends, mind) you have depended on him for many aspects of your life. this doesn't mean you are a wet lettuce - that's just how it panned out. maybe you have lost yourself in the process.

    Don't hang on to him, just because you don't want to be one upped by her. Don't let her be a deciding factor in the future of your relationship.

    I think he is rude to accept the texts from her.

    I think mentorist may well be right - people can grow apart, even if they still have love and respect. At your age, you should still be having fun together and enjoying plenty of nookie.

    It sounds like you are considering that the end is imminent and it must seem like a waste of the time and energy you have invested in such a long and mostly happy relationship.

    These things happen.

    If you do split up, it will be hard, but hey girl, don't settle for mediocre.

    My first husband kicked me out at Christmas. I was so annoyed. I'd moved away from everyone to be with him and had lost my identity on the way. He did the right thing. I met someone a zillion times better and me and the neaderthal are happily married with kids.

    There's plenty more fish in the sea - and that is truth.
  3. Buntycat, thank you. I think your post summed up exactly what I was thinking, and was so supportive too. Think your first husband was mad to kick you out...but evidently it did you the world of good. I'm so glad you met someone better for you.

    I'm off to bed...lots of thinking to do, I reckon. Thank you so much everybody for you support. Will keep you updated. x
  4. I am 23 and as of a few months ago had been in a relationship for 4 and a half years. I can relate to much of what you are saying. I loved him very much, the time we spent together was great. But we hardly had a sex life despite the fact there was a lot of affection there. I felt stuck in a rut. I had started to think, is this it for the rest of my life. I knew i couldn't go through life feeling like that. I kept it going for months, just plodding along happily, then one day i just decided I'd had enough and i ended it, it just wasn't right. I loved him, he loved me but it wasn't enough.

    I haven't looked back, I met someone a week later, it didn't last but for the first time in years i knew what it felt like to be truly wanted. It made me realise quite how bad things had got with my ex - i hadn't noticed while we were still together.

    I now have a new bf and its great. Its still early days but I'm so glad I made that decision to move on.

    If you think you and your bf can work on things then great, go for it. I had had that conversation with my ex many times, nothing ever changed. I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I'm so happy now.

    Good luck whatever you decide.
  5. Well this is what I think
    You need and he needs to make a concerted effort to make your own friends separately outside the relationship. This way you will be more secure in yourself when he is approached by other girls. I think this is a self - esteem issue and you need to not always rely on this relationship to boost your self esteem. Lack of confidence in yourself is making you place this girl on a pedastal. As far as your sex life goes, deap down maybe you don't think you are good enough for him which is why it is easy for you to not activley pursue it or get by with no more than cuddling. I have learnt that men and women can become stiffled in relationships especially if that is the only 'exciting' part of their life. This then leads to you being irratated with your partner because they are always depending on you for 'entertainment' and that there is a massive world out there you seemly can't explore because you are in a partnership. To this end, not only do you need friends, you have to try and build a life outside each other, this will give you sparkle, make you more interesting, exciting and he won't be tempted to look else where and you won't be afraid of other competition because you are a great, well rounded person. You are both quite young, to put it in perspective, I am 26 and I cannot think of anything worse than moving in with someone at 23 especially when it your first relationship and you clearly have much to learn about this type of thing. But take heart from the fact that you gave it a go. The first step now is to talk to him about it, if he doesn't want to listen, then this will set the bench mark for the rest of your relationship and to to this end I would gracefully let him go. If talking about it works then may be you should think about carrying on the relationship but living separately whilst taking stock of life outside the relationship. Mainly I just believe that you may both want a change, or something exciting to happen and are too scared to say anything. Don't be afraid to move on if that is what you want to do...a fulfilling life is not just the result of being in a relationship, think of all the things you love doing and other people you love you. I split with my b/f 3 years ago and I am 26. I wanted to make sure I have a high self esteem and a fulfilled life so that I don't have to depend on a bloke to give me these qualities...sorry to rant. Hope that was accurate advice...good luck with what you decide
  6. ricjamclick

    ricjamclick New commenter

    In my opinion he is right not to stop texting this girl and vice-versa, as you have to trust each other. By that token, he also should be tolerant of your right to interact with other men.

    Jealousy is a good thing, but in a decent relationship trust is paramount. If you trust him, why worry about trusting this other woman: she is irrelevant to you and him, unless he chooses to abuse the relationship. (His choice). Quite right that you trust him not to.

    This should cut both ways (in the name of equality!)

    Your own sexual relationship seems a bigger issue, though. He does not, evidently, qwant to fix this, although you have made efforts to do so.

    You have to decide if you want to make this compromise. If not, it may well be that an ultimatum is needed from you.

    And he may well welcome such an ultimatum. One way or the other he needs to respond and he can buck up his ideas or break free without having to instigate it.... And proactively ending things is, in my opinion, the harder part of having someone else initiate it.

    If you DO want to make the compromise regarding sex, this is your right, and I believe it happens more than most of us realise... Very few relationships are constantly full of spark, although I feel that is the ideal, and an ideal to which some lucky people aspire. But that will take effort on top of the spark and sexual chemistry.

    Personally, I think you need to split up, but that is me speaking from my intuition and being ignorant of the fuller context that, in truth, even your best friends cannot authentically touch as the relationship is your reality: the two of you.

    My advice - should you want it - is that you must sit down and talk it through honestly.

    If either or both of you are resistant to doing this then you have already moved to a certain state of separation, which, once again, is a compromise from the perfection we all would want that some are able accept as a compromise.

    This, nevertheless, means that you must take a decision as an individual on the issue.
  7. He is responsible for whether this girl is texting or not. She is being extremely disrepectful by 'pursuing' him on any level if she knows you are in a relationship. He has a resonsibility to make it explicit to her that he's not interested. He clearly knows she is attempting to flirt with him. He is damaging the relationship by allowing it to continue and he needs to know this makes you uncomfortable.

    It sounds as though you are already concerned that this could lead to more because your relationship isn't as strong as it once was. He will probably find it quite exciting that this girl is texing, simply because it's someone new, not because he has any real interest in her.

    My suggestion would be to bring excitement back to the centre of your relationship. It sounds as though you both have a lot of friends, even if they are mutual. By spending time in each other's company all the time, with or without the friends, you have nothing to talk about as you are both present all the time!

    You should arrange a girls night out and allow him to do the same with the blokes. That way you both leave a bit of intruige and it's quite exciting to know he's been out all night with his mates but will essentially come back to you - it's a good way to spice up the sex.

    good luck
  8. I was listening to a R4 programmme last night on sexual health matters and the experts were saying that, biologically, we are preprogrammed to have lots of sex in the early stages of a relationship (to ensure continuation of the species) and that this does peter out at around the 4 year mark. It should be the '4 year itch' not the '7 year itch'. They went on to discuss how keeping a sexual relationship going within a long-term relationsip does take a bit of effort after the initial lusting and excitement has worn off. It's true, it does take some effort and it has to come from both partners. It is very easy to fall into the 'I'm tired and I've got to get up for work in the morning' type of excuse far more frequently than either of you meant to, then all of a sudden it's been months since there was any sex.

    Do your soul-searching and whatever answers you find, be true to yourself and do what you need to do. Sometimes you have to be selfish and think of you, particularly when you are faced with difficult choices. You are too young and life is too short to spend it being unhappy. Good luck.
  9. lardylegs

    lardylegs Occasional commenter

    My guess is she dumped him, he went off with the Other Woman. She joined a gym and met a lovely lady and is now in a sweet relationship involving cats. Or Pussies.
  10. zee-bra

    zee-bra New commenter

  11. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Blondie = troll
  12. uppereastside

    uppereastside New commenter

    oh charming!? what makes you say that?!
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    years of experience probably

  14. uppereastside

    uppereastside New commenter

    What, of being a troll? :p
    I barely post on here that much-I don't even really know what a 'troll' is although I gather it's not good! Grr
  15. Don't worry. We have all 'been there' (TES initiation rites)

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