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'Oh, you'll chnage' - NO! Actually, I bloody well won't!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Emmsy Squired, May 13, 2007.

  1. Penny10p

    Penny10p Occasional commenter

    Just as some can't understand the desperate need to have a baby, I cannot understand the desire not to. It is the best thing that can happen to anyone. Nothing beats it IMO, and when I had my son it was like I suddenly realised what love was and everything I had felt up till then was a sham.
    I was never able to have another and now that he is grown up my life feels rather meaningless. I am in my 40s so I have many years of time filling ahead of me. I hope I change and start to feel more positive.
     
  2. cariad2

    cariad2 New commenter

    Those posters who don't want children may change their minds in the future, or may not. It's impossible to tell how you will feel as you get older.

    I decided at the age of about 9 or 10 that I never wanted to have children. I quite fancied the idea of being an auntie, but children of my own - no way.

    For 25 years I felt the same way. In fact, I was so sure that I didn't want kids, that I tried to persuade Mr C to have the snip. A few childless male friends of mine had had this done, and it seemed to make sense. However, Mr C had always wanted children and wasn't having anything to do with my plan.

    After living together for a few years, I decided that we would try for a baby. Even then I wasn't sure that it was the right thing for me. I could think of loads of reasons against having children, and apart from the fact that Mr C desperately wanted children and that I quite like them once they got to the toddler stage I couldn't come up with any strong reasons for having children myself.

    Even when I got pregnant, I wasn't sure that I'd done the right thing (in fact I burst into tears, and it was only when the first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and my hormones went into overdrive that I finally began to want children for myself).

    But when I finally gave birth to Cariadlet and the midwife laid her on me it was the best moment of my life. I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her and now I can't imagine life without her.


    I know that plenty of people live perfectly happy and fulfilled lives without children. I expect that I would have been happy if I'd never decided to have children (apart from any problems caused by Mr C's possible resentment).

    If you'd asked me 10 years ago I'd have said, "Of course I'm never having kids. I can't imagine anything worse). And if I'd stuck with my previous partner I'd be saying it still. But I'm so glad that I changed my mind.
     
  3. I don't think of it as the 'worst thing ever' - I just know that I could equally care for one not of my blood, I quite like those of friends or ex-partners.
     
  4. I'm halfway through Cariad's situation. I've said since being a teenager that I didn't want children. Everyone who knows me, knows that I don't want children. My husband, bless him, does. We "negotiated" that we would consider having a baby after a couple of years of marriage. I agreed, mainly because I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant - I'm quite overweight.

    I'm now 13 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant within 6 weeks of coming off the pill. I hate the thought of my life changing. Babies terrify me. But it's happening.

    The most irritating thing in MY life at the moment is people who know me saying "I knew you'd change your mind".

    I haven't. I'm bloody petrified. I love my husband dearly, and know this is exactly what he wants. He also knows how much he will have to support me. This whole thing is really freaking me out. I know I'll love my child when it appears, and I'm actually taking some comfort from Cariad's posting. The assumption that all women want children, and those who don't are in some way "wrong", really does get my goat.
     
  5. If you want children that is great. If you don't it is equally great - nobody should convince you that you are wrong to not want them or odd in any way.
     
  6. Nobody COULD convince me.
     
  7. cariad2

    cariad2 New commenter

    I agree that there's nothing "wrong" with wanting children and nothing "wrong" not wanting to them. Everybody's different. All I would say, is that (and I hope this doesn't sound patronising) you really don't know what it's like to have children until you've had your own. Being with other people's children is totally different.


    SarahM1 - I think that it's totally natural to be scared, but I'm sure you'll be fine.

    My mum came to stay with me for a week, because I didn't know how I would cope. Not only did I have absolutely zero experience of babies, I didn't even like them.

    I've always liked children from about 18 months plus (if they were well behaved, and if I could hand them back after a couple of hours). But babies bored me. I could never understand the fuss when colleagues on maternity leave brought their babies into the staffroom. I made the usual polite comments, but wasn't really interested and certainly never asked for a cuddle.

    But it was completely different with my own. Not only did I love her, but I was completely fascinated by her. Babies are exhausting but wonderful. I'm sure that you'll be a great mum.
     
  8. cariad2

    cariad2 New commenter

    BTW - I meant to put in my last post that I totally expected to be bored by my own baby. I thought that I'd probably love her, but that I would be desperate to get back to work - not how it turned out at all.
     
  9. Thanks. From your postings, I'm beginning to woder if we were separated at birth - I feel exactly the same about babies! Hope I'm half as good at it as you sound.

     
  10. If someone doesn't want kids - that's totally OK. if someone does want kids thats also totally OK.

    What I find offensive is when those who don't want kids take it upon themselves to call all kids (which by definition includes mine and those of all parents here) horrible or ugly or brats or words to that effect.

    Wakens the momma bear within, KWIM? :eek:)

    Can we be respectful?
     
  11. I personally like calling them all ankle biters.
     
  12. I don't think anyone should have children who's not 100% committed to them. I won't presume to say you'll change because I don't know you. I do however, know a fair number of people who said exactly the same thing as you when I first knew them and practically all of them started to have children in their mid thirties. And they've all been very good parents too. Rather better than those who were definite that they wanted babies from way back when in fact. So that's why so many people think you'll change. Many of us have heard it all before and look what happened. But there's a lot to be said for the child free life.
     
  13. janemk

    janemk New commenter

    You are right, maja. Everyone's biology differs. Some people need sex all the time, others less so. Some people need to eat loads, others less so. Some people need to have a baby, others less so. It is true that we are influenced by our environment and now have the possibility to make educated choices (which may lead to some women who did want children deciding not to have them for all sorts of reasons) but I also believe that some people naturally don't feel the need to have children. Others do.

    But even in the cases of those who didn't want to but did, as seen above, the body is wired to produce THAT hormone (that I still can't remember the name of!) which ensures that on birth, the mother will bond with the child, whether she wanted to have it or not. Again, some women don't produce enough of it, and suffer varying degrees of not bonding/PND.
     
  14. ricjamclick

    ricjamclick New commenter

    Sorry Jane, but I am with AJ (unless he's changed his opinion) and think that no one 'needs' intercourse and that it's just a decision.

    I'd love to have a baby! (Serious womb envy, LOL!)
     
  15. Lol Ric ;-)
     
  16. ricjamclick

    ricjamclick New commenter

    They're lovely!

    Ok, they might cry all night and wake you up, and make your nipples sore (well, not my nipples...) but they're great and they laugh and they grow to receive and give lots of love.

    Especially if they have loving parents ;-)
     
  17. Sore nipples lol!! Awwww ;-)

    Don't go to bed too late matey! I'm off now...zzzzz...x
     
  18. ricjamclick

    ricjamclick New commenter

    Thanks Mum... I am just about to start a new thread in that regard.
     
  19. janemk

    janemk New commenter

    Post 93, that's only because we intellectualise all this stuff far too much now - our biological drives go beyond our cognitive reasoning. Have just done the psychology module on my counselling course - it's fascinating!
     
  20. ricjamclick

    ricjamclick New commenter

    Hmmmm. Not sure that I believe that myself, Jane! And usually we agree on everything... Quite bizarrely, as I have started typing this, an ad. has come on for a programme called virgin school tomorrow at 10! LOL. Channel 4.

    As I was saying, I think that will power comes down to other things that extend beyond the brain, personally. I don't think we understand the brain well enough.
     

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