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Off Topic Thread

Discussion in 'Teaching abroad' started by yasimum, Jun 10, 2012.

  1. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    It has occurred to me recently that although this forum is one dedicated to all things relating to International Teaching, there may be some people who would like to discuss things of a more personal nature regarding the highlights and lowlights of their lives.
    Yes, I know there is a personal forum on TES, but many of us don't have a relationship with anyone except for on Teaching Overseas. Many people on here are in countries far away from home and are dealing with life's great (and sometimes sad milestones) without their usual support network. I know of two people who are going through stuff of great magnitude this very minute.
    It doesn't have to be about that, it can be about anything. You will be welcome even if you are just popping in to say this thread shouldn't be here.
    I will get the ball rolling. After months of protracted dithering my sister has finally taken steps to actually get this place sold and we are signing an agreement with an agency tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping with everything I have left in me to be in our own little place within six months (hopefully much sooner). As we are then free agents, I will fling my small door open, and offer my small couch to Tessers who would like to come visit!!
  2. cityfree

    cityfree New commenter

    I found that I was helping out one of my sisters a little too much. I was always there for her when she needed me but she wasn't interested in keeping in touch that much unless she needed something. She would take forever to pay me back and because she was on her own with a little boy, I didn't nag too much. Since paying me back last time, she has asked again a few times to borrow money (the reasons she gave clearly showed that she hadn't though about even the short term, never mind long term planning) and I had to say that I didn't have the money. It was quite true too, I didn't. She has since stopped asking me, even when scraping together a little. I worry about my nephew because but I need to be strong to help her stop relying on others all the time. At one point, my nephew's father was paying a measly £75 a month in support, which was not even the cost of the return train fair to meet him half way across the country when dropping off or picking up my nephew. However, I must say that I find believing my sister 100% is difficult because I have had my trust deceived in the past.

    Yasimum, I know it is hard but be strong to make the best choice for you and your family. Only you can know what that is.
  3. Damn it you got there before me, I was going to answer in a similar manner.
  4. Nah --- I might be a ****** but I'm definitely not a ***
  5. Ok, I'm confused. If buying a $1.3m house will leave her with $200K to put towards the debt, then it seems to me that there is more than enough money in the house for her to pay off her debt and still have a hefty chunk. (Possibly $700K). If that is the case, then why on earth are you handing over part of your share?

    And even if I were as magnanimous as you (which I'm not) I definitely would not be sacrificing a sizeable chunk of my/my daughter's inheritance unless it was stipulated/guaranteed in writing that the entire debt would be paid off.

    Do not let her get away with screwing you out of your fair share only to fritter it on other things and remain in debt.
  6. gulfgolf

    gulfgolf Established commenter

    You have my sympathies. It is very difficult to be linked by blood and good memories to someone who cannot seem to make good decisions.
    I really hope you will reconsider. You make a very good comment:
    And it seems to me that the first part of that will be true regardless of whether you give her your share of the money. The second part, about doing everything you can to help her... I believe that's true ONLY if you DON'T give her money. The money will not help her. It will enable her. It will not turn her situation around, not change her life, not inspire her to become responsible. Giving her wise counsel and tough love is your only hope of truly helping her. To put it in educational terms, would you 'help' a student by changing their grade from an F to an A? It's about as much use. A short term fix which will likely do more harm than good in the long run.
    Your conscience should be clear now. You did your level best and more than most. You did not make the bad decisions, and you are not responsible for them. Let your sister own the decisions, the guilt and the debt.
    If I thought giving over the money would help your sister, really help her, I'd be behind you 110%. But it will only prolong the agony, and seriously jeopardize your own future. I like and respect you, and I don't want to think of you suffering financially while someone who doesn't deserve it laughs all the way to the bank.
    A lawyer and a financial/credit counselor would be really good to consult right now.
    Please stay well.
  7. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    I suppose it is confusing to people. I know my friends here are confused. All I can say is that we are taking what we need to buy a small two bedroom house for the two of us and the dogs with some money left over to invest for Yasi's education and maintenance of our new place and perhaps a holiday or two. My sister has five family members. Her, her husband, my niece and nephew and my nephew's partner. They could buy a cheaper house but they are choosing not to.
    I have made my decision to do what I am doing. After that, I want no part in their decisions, their debts or their dysfunction. There is only so much money a person needs and my daughter is like minded. Rest assured, she will have what she needs and also a little of what she wants as well. We will manage very well on our share and they can do what they want. As I mentioned before, this has been going on for many years and I really don't care anymore, I just want separation (we will be completely out of each other's lives) and peace of mind. We have consulted a solicitor and everything is spelled out in black and white. (Funny thing is that I heard from my solicitor that my sister's solicitor was saying that my sister was toying with having an agreement drawn up that prevents me from ever going after her share of the sale. That was funny.) As someone said to me recently, it will be luxury.
  8. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    After reading back through the thread, I think my silly shoebox remarks have confused the issue. I'm using to living in a big house BUT there are seven of us living here with one revolting tyrant monopolising most of it. We basically live in our bedrooms. So yes, although we will be moving to a smaller place, there are only two of us and we will have the whole house to spread out in. In addition, the sum of money we will receive is not to sneezed at. The fact that my sister will get more of the total sum is irrelevant to the fact that we will also be very well off.
  9. gulfgolf

    gulfgolf Established commenter

    Peace of mind is worth more than money, assuming you have enough money to keep your mind at peace. And it sounds like you will. Please rest well, and live happy.
    As for an agreement never to go after her share of the sale, don't sign. Not that you ever intend to ask for it back, but circumstances change. She may win the lottery and/or you may desperately need money for some excellent reason. Clearly you'd never go after the money if things stay similar to the way they are, but if things change drastically, why wouldn't you want that option? Signing your right away does not benefit you in any way - it can only benefit her, and she's in no position to put stipulations on your gift. What will she do, refuse to accept the gift if you don't sign? It's laughable.
    It will be luxury to put this behind you, indeed. I may have spoken quite strongly, and we may not agree about what the right course is, but I do truly sympathize. I too once had to pay out a significant sum (much less than this, but it still hurt) to get someone out of my life. I had no choice, and I never felt it was fair at all, but fighting it would have cost me time and energy I just didn't want to give. In the end, it was worth it. (The money, incidentally, was promptly wasted by the other party. It's gone with no idea of where it went, nothing to show for it. People are silly.) So yes, I do suspect that you will have a sense of peace when this is over. And you deserve that. Enjoy it.
  10. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter


    It definitely isn't a case of not agreeing, as a matter of fact your advice is exactly the advice I would give to a friend if they presented with the same scenario. It is just that the situation here is so complicated. I need to move quickly as the situation becomes more and more untenable and is affecting my health. I want a few wonderful years with my daughter before she is off leading her own wonderful life.
    I want to laugh uncontrollably again, greet my friends with a huge smile instead of crying on their shoulders, walk with a spring in my step, look in the mirror and not think, "Oh my God!' and live my life to the fullest extent.
    It took so long to get myself to this point that I just want to flee now. Every morning in the car I listen to Tom Petty singing "I Won't Back Down" because back down is what I have always done. I'm so proud that I have stood my ground this time even though it may not seem that way to people reading this. I can't wait to start my life!

  11. Good luck; make the most of your new life - it's cost and costing you enough [​IMG] Make sure that isn't wasted ... :)
  12. razziegyp

    razziegyp New commenter

    Yasimum, you are a brave, big-hearted woman and I hope you get all you wish for in the future.
  13. SMT dude

    SMT dude New commenter

    Very much hope that the end result will be peace of mind for you, yaz.
  14. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    House went on tthe net on Tuesday and we had our first open for inspection yesterday. Twenty five groups through apparently. Hopefully it will sell quickly as it is an agonising process. Spent countless hours making sure the house looked its best and came home to find some yob had tramped mud through the whole house.
  15. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    <h6 class="uiStreamMessage">My
    poor Skye swallowed the ball I was throwing for her. She catches it on
    the full and it just went right down her throat. She wasn't breathing so
    I stuck my hand down to try to get it and couldn't unwedge it. In doing
    so it must have pushed the ball into a spot where at least her airways
    were clear as her eyes were rolling back in her head when I first got to
    her. Friends down the park helped me to get her to the car and I drove
    to the vet. The vet sedated her and had her on oxygen then put under a
    general anaesthetic and used an endoscope to see where it was and
    removed it. As soon as she woke up and the vet had observed her for a
    couple of hours we were allowed to take her home with antibiotics and
    pain medication. I had lacerated her tonsils trying to get the thing out
    so she will have a sore throat for a while but seems otherwise
    unscathed. I just got home from the hospital as both my hands have
    multiple lacerations and a suspected broken thumb. My car looks like a
    murder scene with blood everywhere. I'm totally shattered. Thank
    goodness Yasi was at hockey training. We are all now tucked up in bed.
    Dressings and drugs for me, Skye is in Disneyland from all the sedation
    and anaesthesia and our other dog is in shock too. Please be careful if
    your dog likes chasing the ball. No more balls for us!!</h6>
  16. What a frightening thing to happen. Glad you are all on the way to recovery.
  17. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Seconded. My God, you Yasis live life on the edge! I'm getting rid of Biggles's tennis ball and buying him a rugby ditto.
  18. yasimum

    yasimum New commenter

    Thanks! It was horriblebut a freak accident I suppose. Still and all we nearly lost her so I just wouldn't be able to throw a ball for her again. Bright side is, dog park people were going to chip in and pay the bill which we didn't need but it was a lovely thought, vet was inundated with calls from our doggy friends and a lovely bunch of roses was delivered to us today. She is a popular dog (with a death wish).
  19. gulfgolf

    gulfgolf Established commenter

    Goodness.Thank heavens you're all ok, relatively speaking.
    Rest up. Tea and sympathy all around!

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