I started as NQT in Sept and have struggled particularly with behaviour with most of my classes. I have been increasingly unhappy these last couple of weeks, with the endless pressure of deadlines and trying to get my classes to improve when I am fighting an uphill battle against lethargy and apathy from the kids, most of all my y11 classes who are awful. I am constantly having to justify why they are not achieving their predicted grades and feel personally responsible for their lack of progress. We are retaking stuff from last year and most of them couldn't care less. I am giving up my own time after school to run extra sessions but kids are taking the pee with these, often not bothering to attend. My lunchtimes are always used to chase up coursework, run assessment catch-ups for absentees and, often, pointless dept meetings. My HoD has noticed I have BM problems and is trying to give me advice but I am still struggling. On top of this, I am behind with marking and have just had a ream of data to analyse re my tutor group and have to produce a scheme of work which I am hopeless at writing. On my pgce, I left halfway through my course because of mentor issues which left me suicidal and on ADs. I returned the following year and completed the pgce elsewhere in a much nicer school. However, the mentor there didn't give me much practical advice and our meetings were a sham - she would tick boxes randomly and make up targets as she never actually came to observe me, just left me her classes! As a result, I always felt like a bit of a fraud as, compared to other trainees on my course, I never recieved the rigorous preparation they did and this year has been tough in terms of dealing with data and writing SOWs as I never had any experience of these. I have noticed that once again, I am waking up before my alarm, feeling sick with dread, and tearful before school - although I am fine once in school - none of the classes have reduced me to tears, thankfully. I am however very snappy and irritable with the groups now, getting so fed up with having to spoon feed them information and constantly stopping because of LLDs. Recently, the anxiety has increased and I have had some 'bad' thoughts, similar to those I had when it all went wrong on my PGCE.... I find myself wishing I could have an accident, so that I don't have to face school or wanting to just walk away and disappear completely. Occasionally they are flash thoughts of harming myself though I push these away and I would never do that to my kids. I feel immensely guilty about how little time my kids have with me - often less than 30 mins a day of my time. I am a lone parent and they are now latch-key kids. I cannot remember when I last did something nice with them, without feeling guilty and resentful that I can't be working, even though I don't want to be. My work life balance is non existent - I see family only if my parents drop off or pick up my kids, I cannot remember when I last saw a friend for a non-school related reason. I have one friend who used to drop round randomly, but now it would stress me so much in case it interrupted work I was doing. I have seriously thought about leaving teaching as I am getting no pleasure from it. I can't remember delivering a good lesson, that went as I planned it should - instead I plan till the small hours, then the kids manage to b****r it up by their behaviour. I cling to the few nice bits - I DO have some really lovely students and some good relationships with them, and some of them have produced good work which shows I CAN teach effectively if Im allowed to......but these are few and far between moments. I am loath to go back to the doctor and get ADs again but I recognise I'm sinking and will have to if it doesn't get better. I do find it hard to confide in others how Im feeling and tend to try to be superwoman, no matter how badly its going wrong. Several staff have said I am over stressing and taking too much on.....but then theres another round of "why is so and so not achieving" and I feel I HAVE to give more and more. In tears now, just writing this.