1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

Not sure what to do about partner and depression

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by Sillow, May 6, 2012.

  1. Sillow

    Sillow Senior commenter

    I'm not sure what to do, so I thought I would just see if anyone has any wise words they can share.
    A brief synopsis of my problem: my partner suffered a terrible bereavement around 10 years ago (before we met). Since then he has done a long-term, part-time admin job and studied IT at uni, but hasn't really worked apart from that. He's not working now. We've been together about 4 years, live together. No marriage or children on the cards, although I'd like that, basically because he says he's "not ready" and wants to sort himself out first.
    The thing is, I don't think he is sorting himself out. I honestly don't know the last time he even applied for a job, although he might have done without telling me. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't leech off me - he owns property and has money from rent, as well as doing a little web work for a couple of people. So he pays half of all the bills. And most of the time we're happy and things are great.
    However, at times like now, he goes all quiet and depressed, which affects me in a similar way. I've been trying to get marking done but all I can think about is how he's unhappy and that makes me unhappy.
    I'm so happy about life generally, as I'm in a much better place than I was several years ago. I love my life and I love him. What I don't love, though, is wanting to relax at the weekend, but him wanting to go out all the time because he's been at home on his own all week. I don't love coming home to washing up not done, meals to cook, toilet roll to be bought, despite the fact that he's been home all day and had time to do these things. I don't love the way I feel he's dragging me down, instead of me pulling him up.
    I realise advice would probably be to leave him, but there are positives. I've shown only the negatives here. Any suggestions for how I can get him to stop being lazy about things? I'm becoming more miserable because he's depressed a lot, then I feel guilty because I should be more supportive of him and help him through this difficult time. I've had depression, I know what it's like.
    Sorry to ramble on. I'm just very upset. The feeling in this place is awful at the moment, because he's being moody and giving one-word answers, hiding in the other room. It's horrible and I'm sad.
     
  2. Sillow

    Sillow Senior commenter

    I'm not sure what to do, so I thought I would just see if anyone has any wise words they can share.
    A brief synopsis of my problem: my partner suffered a terrible bereavement around 10 years ago (before we met). Since then he has done a long-term, part-time admin job and studied IT at uni, but hasn't really worked apart from that. He's not working now. We've been together about 4 years, live together. No marriage or children on the cards, although I'd like that, basically because he says he's "not ready" and wants to sort himself out first.
    The thing is, I don't think he is sorting himself out. I honestly don't know the last time he even applied for a job, although he might have done without telling me. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't leech off me - he owns property and has money from rent, as well as doing a little web work for a couple of people. So he pays half of all the bills. And most of the time we're happy and things are great.
    However, at times like now, he goes all quiet and depressed, which affects me in a similar way. I've been trying to get marking done but all I can think about is how he's unhappy and that makes me unhappy.
    I'm so happy about life generally, as I'm in a much better place than I was several years ago. I love my life and I love him. What I don't love, though, is wanting to relax at the weekend, but him wanting to go out all the time because he's been at home on his own all week. I don't love coming home to washing up not done, meals to cook, toilet roll to be bought, despite the fact that he's been home all day and had time to do these things. I don't love the way I feel he's dragging me down, instead of me pulling him up.
    I realise advice would probably be to leave him, but there are positives. I've shown only the negatives here. Any suggestions for how I can get him to stop being lazy about things? I'm becoming more miserable because he's depressed a lot, then I feel guilty because I should be more supportive of him and help him through this difficult time. I've had depression, I know what it's like.
    Sorry to ramble on. I'm just very upset. The feeling in this place is awful at the moment, because he's being moody and giving one-word answers, hiding in the other room. It's horrible and I'm sad.
     
  3. 576

    576 Established commenter

    I'd start by telling him how you feel.
     
  4. whapbapboogy

    whapbapboogy New commenter

    I completely agree. Talk to him. You've just told us why you are not happy and what needs to change for you to feel happy, and he'll feel happier too if he can make YOU happy. You haven't been horrible at all in the way you have described the situation- indeed, it's clear you love your OH and want to sort things out.
    I have a slightly similar situation (OH is unemployed, when I get home he hasn't done the ironing/what I've asked him to do), at the weekends,he is happy not to go anywhere but I need to feel I have accomplished something in my time off workm also, I feel I never get any time to myself as he is always there, yet I am very happy being married to him.
    Just talk to him. He can do things to lift his mood- exercise / brisk walk somewhere lovely / going to the docs will help- it is important that you ask him to do something about his 'down' times (explain when he ISN'T down), as you WILL catch it off him- I've been on that situation,too, with my ex. Can you do exercise together? That would really help, with the natural endorphins, and the breaking of daily routine.
    Good luck- but you won't need it- you just need to talk it though with him. [​IMG]
     
  5. Sillow

    Sillow Senior commenter

    Thank you very much for your replies. I did end up having a talk with him anyway, on Sunday, and I think he realised how down I am about it. He can get quite defensive, though, so I tried to make it clear that he needs to be more proactive in as nice a way as possible.
    We shall see if there's any change over the next few months. I really hope so. Thanks.
     

Share This Page