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No baby, no career - how do I accept that I'll never achieve anything in life?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by toeinwater, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. toeinwater

    toeinwater New commenter

    ((Becky)) I don't know what to say Lovely! I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a bad place. If you're doing a good job in your current role, it's not necessarily a given that they'll replace you with someone cheaper; there's a lot to be said for sticking with what (who) you know and also someone with experience.
    As far as life more generally is concerned, it might be worth approaching your GP to ask for some kind of support in the form of councelling. I've also heard of groups for childless couples who can network socially and also support each other in something they have in common. I don't know really, I just wanted to offer support in the form of words, though I realise they're not much use to you.
  2. I have no advice for you but didnt want to read and run. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. Hoping tht someone will come along with some words of wisdom
  3. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    No, it is useful, I think, just to feel that someone understands. Thank you, Toe. I think I can get counselling from the clinic where I had my last IVF cycle but like everyone else at this time of year you feel like you're too busy to go!
    Thanks again xx
  4. I am not in your position, and have not had to go through what you have so I am completely unqualified to say anything, but didn't want to read your post and not reply because of being unsure what to say.
    Whilst I can see exactly why you are feeling so low and so upset at how things have been for you in recent years, please don't let yourself feel a failure. Not being able to conceive is incredibly hard and very unfair, but it doesn't make you a failure in any sense. Making career choices to enhance your family chances also doesn't make you a failure. If your school are stupid enough to employ an inexperienced NQT rather than someone in post doing an excellent job then that makes them shortsighted and silly - and still does not make you a failure.
    Lots of thoughts coming your way, I'm sorry that things are so so tough for you at the moment.
  5. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Can I come and work in Tesco with you, Beck?
  6. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Thanks, BH. Think this all stems from going to see some friends last night - a couple with small children and another couple who has just told us about their first pregnancy - you can imagine what all the conversation was about! The only consolation is that my OH found it just as hard - that sounds awful, doesn't it, but I mean that I don't have to go through it on my own. TBH I think I'm trying to bury myself in work to avoid facing up to how I feel and the thought of having no work is just scary.
    Thanks again, hope all is good with your pregnancy xx
  7. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Not there yet, Lil, but if I end up there I'll put in a good word for you!
  8. I'm so sorry for you Becky. I just wanted to share my experience with you. There have been three particularly influential music teachers in my life. Two were childless- one at least definitely not by choice. They had the time, energy, passion and commitment to put into their pupils because they did not have their own families. I wonder if I would be where I am today without them. One of these teachers is now sadly in her mid 70s in a nursing home having had a stroke. She has so many visitors because we all feel we have so much to give back to her-all the other residents and staff joke about her visitors and that they share them around. She has no immediate family at all, but has an amazing social life considering! What I'm saying is, mum or not (to a naturally conceived child or otherwise) you have so much to give to society, and have so many lives you can influence- for a start you're currently influencing 30 a day. What about offering a room to 16-18 teenagers that need support through social services/ help at brownies/scouts/cadets. My elderly friend used to be a mentor for teenagers who were on the verge of being sent to prison. I know this is not the path you wanted for your life and you should give yourself as much time as you need to grieve for that. You really do have so much to offer. Take care.
  9. There are different types of family, all with their own challenges and rewards. I am deeply grateful to have been able to carry and give birth to my own children, but I think that if I hadn't been able to I would have looked into adoption - but like others, I have not had to face this decision 'for real'.
    With regards to your career, my MIL became a teacher later on (at about 38) and has been a successful headteacher for many years now. So even if this job doesn't work out (and it should, given the good job you are doing!) 40 is far far far too young to be worried that you are not going to have a lot more fulfilling, successful career years ahead.
  10. Becky, I am sorry you are feeling like this and I agree with the others, you are way too young to write yourself off. After being diagnosed with severe endomentriosis at 20 I was led to believe it would be impossible for me to conceive. I wasn't in a position to test this theory for quite a few years, and when I was, it was with a partner who had had testicular cancer and was also living with the belief that he would never have children.
    This is going to sound totally bonkers, but my coping mechanism was to make as many baby unfriendly plans as possible. I started saving money to open a bookshop by the sea, we planned an adult gap year, looked into doing a PHD, explored moving abroad to teach etc. I think the idea was that I wanted to give myself another goal or dream in life. It was totally genuine, I would have opened that - probably unprofitable - bookshop and we did go and teach abroad. In the end, we were incredibly fortunate and stunned many medical professionals by becoming pregnant naturally. So we got a baby shaped happy ending. However, planning our other happy endings certainly helped me hugely and I like to think that I would have been very happy had our circumstances been different and our other plans come to fruition instead.
  11. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    No, wormburger, I understand completely. Maybe we should do something different but I've always craved stability and security. My OH has a steady job - not well paid but fairly secure - which I don't think he wants to give up and he also has elderly parents. I suppose I thought I would just push ahead in my career if I didn't have children - I never dreamt that I would find myself covering maternity leaves and being grateful to even have that. I suppose I will find something to do somehow. I know making other plans is the only answer and I suppose I have to see turning 40 as a beginning and not an ending.
    Glad you have your baby now and thanks for replying.

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