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Need some guidance regarding a funeral

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Ange_mmm, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. My sons godfather and his wife have recently lost their baby, she was 2 days old. As you can imagine it has been an awful time. We have respected their wishes to wait until they contact us before going to visit. We assumed this meant that the funeral would be a private affair. However we have been invited to the funeral which is on Monday.
    I have never been to a funeral that was not for an elderly family member so I am unsure as to whether to send flowers, cards etc. We are also attending the burial and I have decided to let my young son choose a teddy for the baby to put at her grave, perhaps with a note, should I leave this another time when the grave has been filled? I am so anxious of doing the wrong thing in such an emotional situation. I'm also afraid of crying in front of her parents, it's their day to say goodbye and I feel by crying that I might upset them as whatever I am feeling it must be a million times worse for them.
    Can you do the wrong thing in this situation? I want them to know how much I care without intruding on their day.

     
  2. My sons godfather and his wife have recently lost their baby, she was 2 days old. As you can imagine it has been an awful time. We have respected their wishes to wait until they contact us before going to visit. We assumed this meant that the funeral would be a private affair. However we have been invited to the funeral which is on Monday.
    I have never been to a funeral that was not for an elderly family member so I am unsure as to whether to send flowers, cards etc. We are also attending the burial and I have decided to let my young son choose a teddy for the baby to put at her grave, perhaps with a note, should I leave this another time when the grave has been filled? I am so anxious of doing the wrong thing in such an emotional situation. I'm also afraid of crying in front of her parents, it's their day to say goodbye and I feel by crying that I might upset them as whatever I am feeling it must be a million times worse for them.
    Can you do the wrong thing in this situation? I want them to know how much I care without intruding on their day.

     
  3. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    I wouldn't worry too much 'about doing the wrong thing'. Anything you do will be appreciated and the couple will probably still be in shock and even if you did make a 'faux pas', it's unlikely they'll even remember it later with the trauma of the funeral. I know my mother couldn't remember later who was and was not at her husband's funeral, and that was when her memory was A1!
    Seeing such a small coffin will be traumatic and may well make you cry, but that's part of the purpose of a funeral, 'to let the grief through'!
    Will be thinking of you and the family next Monday.
    [​IMG]
     
  4. Cannot offer any words af advice but just wanted to say how very sorry and sad i am for their loss.
    I should imagine that everyone present will shed a tear so don't feel bad about being upset. You are there to mourn as well. I have a lump in my throat up at just the thought of such a day!

    Sorry it's not more constructive.
    Big hugs x x x
     
  5. Do not worry at all about crying. Nothing is sadder than losing a baby and it would be a rare person that would not be upset. There are only two wrong things you can say: One is to say nothing at all and one is to say that they can always have another baby. No one will replace this baby so don't suggest it can. A bereavement counsellor of all people said that to me when I lost a baby and I have never forgiven her. I never did have another baby and her words have remained with me.
    All you can do at such a difficult time is to be there for the couple. Speak to them kindly and let them do whatever they need to. Keep in touch. My baby's funeral was just me and my husband and I really regret that now. But my father had died just a couple of weeks beforehand and so the family was already grieving and I didn't want to add to it. But I was dreadfully grieving my baby and no-one had a platform to share that with me and now I think that was a shame.
    Just be gentle, be loving friends to them and do whatever you think is right.
    A little flower
    Lent not given
    To bud on earth
    And flower in heaven.
    I love those words.
     
  6. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    do you really think they are going to be made to feel worse?
    I don't.
    The teddy is a bit mawkish though.
     
  7. Middlemarch

    Middlemarch Star commenter

    I wouldn't recommend the teddy, either. But do send/give a card and flowers.
     
  8. Dragonlady30

    Dragonlady30 Star commenter

    I'm a breaved parent, my lass was almost 8, not a new-born when she died, but there was only one thing that hurt and that was being ignored. When folks crossed the road rather than speak, that really hurt. Friends said maybe they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. They didn't have to say anything more than they were sorry when they heard our news. (I have a hatred of, 'I'm sorry for your loss' statement, but that's just me!!!)
    Just be there. The parents will have very little consciousness of who else is there. I know that even though the church was full at the funeral, apart from a few people, I still have no idea who was there.
     

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