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Need a little bit of advice...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by kittylion, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    He is in Afghanistan, and of course it is hard BUT it is also hard for the people at home as well.
    To a certain degree, he is much more in control of the situation than you are - he knows where he is, what he is doing and when. You, on the other hand, are left to imagine all day what kind of situations he is in.
    You need to have a life as well, and tbh, I think many other men, would be glad to see you getting on with your life, and not sitting around moping.
    Someone close to me was in a similar situation last year, but because they had kids, she had to get on with her own life much more. Her husband wouldn't have behaved like your partner anyway, and at times she wasn't as understanding of his situation, as she perhaps could have been.
    He always said it was easier for him though, as he was out there and had a job to do, so had to get on with it,
    You shouldn't be sitting around waiting for phone calls, and emails, although I do understand why you are doing so.
    You need to get more of a balance back in your life, and stop seeing him as the centre of your universe. This kind of a situation is a test of your relationship, and there will be many more occasions when he is away, while you are left at home waiting - even if they are not war situations.
    You need to be really sure that your relationship will be able to withstand that, whilst remaining balanced. You shouldn't be investing everything in him, he has to invest something in you too, and that includes being happy to see you going out and relaxing and having fun.
    Because I have family in your situation, I am extremely sympathetic to servicemen, but I so think that this situation is as hard in many ways for you as it is for him, and he needs to understand that.
  2. Yeah...but you were so....so...concise.

  3. My son was out in Afghanistan for a six month tour of duty recently and when he came back for R&R he was very distant and tense, he could not relax as he knew that he had to go back again and he did not want to talk about his experiences. Now his tour is finished, he has been more vocal about life out there - even though he 'censored' it for me, it was still life changing, seeing friends blown up in front of you, knowing that everytime he went out he was also a target, being shot at by snipers when flying in a helicopter and living in lock down situations are not normal experiences and are bound to affect the troops long term. He said that he did not really want to know how we were enjoying life while he was away, all he wanted in his fortnightly phone calls was to hear our voices chat about inconsequential things, he did not want me to go on about missing him or how worried we were either.
    Can I suggest that when you do go out, do not go on FB to talk about what you did, he knows you have a life back in the UK without him but there is no need to go on about it. Tell him you miss him and chat about day to day stuff but do not make him feel guily for leaving you or jealous about the fun you appear to be having, he needs you to be positive and happy so that he can concentrate on his job.
    Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but I know from personal experience how small things from home can be blown out of all proportion when soldiers are away. He will only be able to get on line when he is back in Camp Bastion, when at a FOB, he will have no way of communicating with you so when he does get internet access again and hears about how you have been living your life, it might be hard for him to adjust.
    A note of warning, it took my son over two months before he was back to his usual happy self, he was lucky to get extended leave as he was owed so much and he stayed with me for the summer, he just chiiled out, vegged in front of the tele, drank a lot of beer and played computer games for weeks before he was relaxed. You will have to be patient when he does get back and give him time and space to recover.
    Good luck

  4. Shy Anne

    Excellent post. There really is no need to say more. I hope your son is doing better now.
  5. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    AFAICT the OP hasn't. Her mates posted a couple of photos on FB.
    My objection is to the controlling behaviour - the immaturity, if he does not trust her what sort of relationship is it, does it have a future? Being cross about her having a life is unacceptable, expecting support is presumptuous, she is not his mum.

  6. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    It's not ok to feel that you have to 'pay for' being sociable and outgoing. There is a serious issue here and his controlling behaviour should be sounding alarm bells for you.
    Making you feel as though you have to justify yourself when you have done nothing wrong and telling you that your concerns are your problem and not his, are classic indicators that this will not end well.
    Get out while you can.
  7. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I thought that
    but I didn't really want to be so direct

  8. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    When people start to fall in love they miss the danger signs.They make allowances and then they make excuses and then they start to believe that it really is them who is at fault.
    That's no way to spend a life, although thousands do.
    I thought unless I was bloomin' obvious about it, you might not get the point I was trying to make.
    Sorry if I hurt you, but if you saw someone putting themselves at risk would you whisper a warning or shout one?
    Wishing you the very best
  9. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    Well I have joined various facebook groups which have put me in contact with others, but I don't have anyone local who I can really talk to which is what i'd really like!
  10. Finally, a post made it through!
    Could you get in touch with his regiment? A welfare officer could speak to you and put you in touch with other spouses.
  11. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    No not easily, his regiment are based in Germany so most of the wives are out there. I am but a girlfriend and so have no real ties to them... I'm ok, it really helped coming on here and airing it to be honest and everyone has been so supportive and lovely :)
  12. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    From previous posts it seems that you've known him for about a year and you've now said that he's stationed in Germany and is currently deployed in Afghanistan. Presumably, then, you've not actually spent that much time with him so perhaps you're seeing another, less pleasant side of him that is more difficult to deal with. Be wary - his attitude seems to be based partially at least on jealousy and that's a trait that is never worth pandering to.
  13. When my son was posted to Afghanistan last December, he got a pack of information for family to read and I am sure it included details of the welfare services available to those left behind, as well as loads of other useful stuff about what to put in parcels, how to keep in touch etc. I did not need to use the services offered as my son managed to keep in touch every couple of weeks but his dad did contact them as he'd had a falling out with our son just before he went and was worried about losing touch. They really were wonderful at explaining how to deal with the separation etc so why not have a look in your pack and see what it suggests/
  14. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    I think I'd agree with that, and you do seem to have put much of your life on hold while you haven't been with him.
  15. dumpty

    dumpty Star commenter

    That is quite right, but I would still say each partner in a relationship can assist insecurities in the way they behave. Now yes, personally I would not give a hoot if my partner plastered partying pictures on Facebook - so long as they were not crossing a certain line of suggestiveness or being too provocative.
    To pretend we don't all have those insecurities is nonsense - the only difference is where our line starts.
    I do agree thought the OP does need to know how her man deals with these insecurities and I also agree that if he is painfully jealous, it won't be easy at all.
    But - and again while admitting the OP has done nothing wrong - a very simple action of asking the friend to remove the offending photo and not putting more on Facebook......how hard can that be, and it may (may) be all it takes?

  16. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    Because as I said a couple of posts ago, I am a girlfriend and in the eyes of the army am not a recognised next of kin so don't get the pack or anything that comes with it. We are virtually unsupported by the army.
  17. The colleague I mentioned in an earlier post was in the same situation as you and she was in touch with her boyfriend's parents for support. They will have the pack with all the phone numbers in it.
    Whatever you do, don't ditch your relationship on the basis of advice from random people on the internet! If you think the relationship isn't a goer, and it doesn't sound as if you feel that way anyway, wait until he comes home. Life in a war zone is bound to alter your boyfriend's perspective and the calls to ditch him aren't taking this into account.
    Best of luck to both of you in getting through this difficult time.

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