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Need a little bit of advice...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by kittylion, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. kittylion

    kittylion Senior commenter

    Aww Lillipad this is a really hard time for both of you. I think it might feel better in the morning, but if he is still being distant, I think you ought to tell him what you have said in this post.
    You can tell him in a kind/sympathetic kind of way and say that you feel that on the very rare occasion you have gone out (tell him how many) you feel that he is resentful and "punishes" you the next day by being distant or even ignoring you - as he did today.
    Heaven knows he must be having a rough time - I can't imagine how awful it must be - but it isn't easy for you either and you feel that by being available to listen to him you were being supportive, not "serious" (in a negative way). In fact have I got this the wrong way round, does he object to you having a laugh with friends?
    Either way, you can't go on like this treading on eggshells. You need to know where you stand and what he wants and expects of you and until you know that, how can you even consider if you want to do what he expects - even though you love him to bits.
    Anyway (((lillipad))) as I said maybe things will look better in the morning - have a glass of wine girl!

  2. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    carry on going out
  3. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    Thank you for the replies. The thing is, i've tried to talk to him before, and the response I got was "This is about me, not you!" which to be fair, I guess it is. I've always tried to stand on the sidelines and be supportive and there if he needs me, and to not expect too much of him. When he came home on rnr, I realised how much i'd changed my life for him and to be there for him and decided to make more of an effort to see my friends and be less miserable, but the second I do it, i'm suddenly in trouble as it were. I can't begin to imagine how he's feeling and how stressed he is. He was distant when he was home too, and I guess it's all natural. I think i could put up with it all if I was 110% secure that he's not going to finish with me. That's the part that's getting to me, is this uncertainty that he's not going to stay with me and i'll lose everything I had built up with him. I just don't think he fully understands how much I love him and I think he thinks i'm at home galavanting about and the truth is i'm not and even though I tell him, it doesn't seem to go in! And he also made a comment that I was boring sometimes and didn't know how to have fun... which i guess is where his comment has come from that i'm "serious" with him yet "mess about with my friends" but i'm not overly serious with him, i'm different as you would be... but I don't know. I'm just in such a pickle tonight over it all, and feel totally down and sick of the whole tour. It's wearing me down to be honest and I just want him home .:(
  4. Ruthie66

    Ruthie66 New commenter

    carry on going out, continue to tell him you love him and if he doesn't grow up seriously think about the long term future of the relationship. I have known military relationships founder because the person at home made themselves a life outside of the relationship which the other one couldn't cope with particularly when they were on leave. You are entitled to a life, he chose his career, it's difficult but he needs to learn that you aren't just going to sit by the phone/computer waiting for him.
  5. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    I know, I totally see where you're coming from, but then if you turn it around... If i was stuck out there... how would I feel if he was going out and things? I'd probably hate it... I just wonder if it would be easier to just not go out again until he's home... I don't go out that much anyway, but for a quieter life! And then when he's back I can start again. The sad thing is that I literally do sit by the phone / computer waiting for him... he's pretty much everything to me and has been since the day I met him! Which was why I decided I should try and have something of a life so that I wasn't completely one dimensional!
  6. How about you carry on doing your thing but stop posting 'Look at all the fun I'm having' photos to facebook?
  7. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    wow it is like something out of Jackie!

    sorry to mock but you need to get out more
  8. Perhaps he has a point and you are very serious with him? It certainly sounds as if you're extremely serious about the relationship and this won't do either of you any good. Who did he fall in love with? A vivacious cheerful girl? If so then this is who you should stay. Yes, he has a difficult job and needs your support but if he loves you he'll want your happiness too.
  9. lillipad

    lillipad New commenter

    Yes and I agree that perhaps its all weighed too heavily on me and I havent been myself which is why I was trying to loosen up and get out... When he refers to me boing more serious, it's because I didn't drink with him much on his rnr, like I had school the next day and didn't want to be hungover... And on weekends, I want as drunk as maybe he thought would be fun... I want to be the cheerful girl he fell for but it's so hard when I pay for it he next day!!
  10. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Please don't put your life on hold or lose your identity for him. If the relationship were to end then you'd certainly regret it.
  11. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    I think you *have* to have your own life. If you give everything up for him now, there's no saying he won't expect that when he gets back and it will be much harder to change things in the long term. He is undoubtedly having a hard time, but that won't be made any easier by you sitting in every night and having no friends. I mean, is that really what he wants from you?
    You can't make someone else the centre of your world, it's very unhealthy.
  12. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Its very hard i understand.......but have you tried to maybe contact the chaplin to thegroup he is atached to.....the might be able to reach him for you.or even to contact his unit and see if they can help.
    It probabaly is part of the stress of the job and worries over you if something happens to him.I'm sure the stress is huge as they face situations of life or death in the land. he worries over you being arttracted to another as your away.something all forces wives are tempted to , and all service men fear...they dont want a dear john letter.
    Should you go out...I dont see why not..as long as your intent is controlled by your love and you dont give into temptations to others( and there is always that risk)..but you have ,as now, to be honest and talk about who you with..and what you did. You cant wait in forever , and it is unreasonable to do that.you do have alife..even if only doing the mundane things of life.During other wars you only had a land phone and letters.in our modern age you you have other means of talking.just make sure youdont post what he might deem is 'wrong;' or let other post on their face book or else where....that way he is not worried...even though you love him and your actions are pure.
    I hope in the stress you manage to survive as a couple
  13. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Couldn't agree more. Get out and live your life. If he's so insecure I'd say that's his problem.
  14. Very few men or women are going to feel strong and secure if on duty in Afghanistan. Try to have some understanding for how his nerves must be shattered and all over the place.
    Which is why I think the OP just needs to compromise a little. There is no need to give up on going out, but there is also no need to put pictures on Facebook about it - especially ones which can be misread.
    What is so hard about going out but playing it down when accounting to the man here? Why put party pictures on Facebook at all? Is it hard to start the conversation about the partying with 'oh it was so boring, I wish you were there. I went home early'?
    Or better still - keep it all to yourself and separate from Facebook.

  15. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Her mates put the pictures up and living a lie is not exactly progress.

  16. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    I don't see why she has to "account" to him. She's done nothing wrong.
    Fair point. Probably unnecessary.
    But why should she? It's one thing to wish someone had been with you. It's quite another to claim you can't enjoy yourself without them.

  17. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    The bloke sounds a bit too controlling for my taste.
    Shouldn't he be happy if she is having fun?

  18. I am sorry but I don't buy this...Yes, those in the forces and especially those on the front line face danger every day...but so do those in the fire, police and ambulance services. Many see gory and unpleasant scenes regularly. Does the same apply to a suspicious paramedic, police officer or fire man? I know quite a few teachers with shredded nerves too...but to make allowances for a person with constant suspicion and lack of trust in his partner, even though she reassures him constantly that she loves him dearly and is only going out with friends and being sociable, is to allow him to continue with his controlling behaviour, even from afar.
    There are two sides to the coin. He also ought to be appreciative of the fact that he has a loving partner back home, wishing him well and safe and awaiting his return eagerly. Is her happiness of any importance to him? is he at all pleased that she has a life without him and has the company of friends. Instead of being glad for her, he is supicious - and that is OK? Should she join a convent while he is away..or even better...wear a chastity belt?
    Continue to enjoy yourself. Continue to reassure him if that's what he needs...but is he a grown man or a child?
    People who dictate/make the rules/lay down the law etc or express displeasure at the reasonable behaviour of others make me very uncomfortable.
  19. Dammit Lurkio...you got there before me. [​IMG]
  20. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    You said it so much better.


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