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my world has fallen apart, very looooong post, sorry

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by yourthoughts, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. i am a poster but have created a new name for this post, don’t know why, just have!!
    I know you lovely ladies will have some useful advise and sometimes it helps just putting things down on paper....(typed!!)
    Okay so here goes....... I have a 7 month old LO and 4/5 weeks ago my husband of 3.5 years told me that he had been cheating on me. With a woman who did some work for his company....
    Shock of my life as i thought we were solid! How wrong was i??
    So few months before xmas i noticed he became distant from me and when questioned he blamed it on pressures of work which i accepted as he is very senior and busy at xmas time (retail industry)so i laid off putting pressure on until January when things should have settled down, and this was when he told me. Oh my god. He had finished things with this girl and has not seen her before xmas. He said something happened at xmas that made him stop, i thnk just spending time with us and all the family.
    He says he loves me and wants to make things work, his aspirations for our future he still thinks about and wants just as much as he always did, bigger house, holidays, more kids etc and with me too.
    I keep asking why he thinks it happend and doesn’t know, he works away usually once or twice a week and has said that he has never even thought of doing this before, and apparently there has been opportunity! We have been together for 8.5 years!
    He says that things must have been wrong or missing in our marriage for him to have done this, but i just don’t see it, or didn’t see it! Counting back the months until just before it happened we were happy! We had a 3 month baby, i was breast feeding, everything was hunky dory! Or so i thought...... how could i have not seen it? Further conversations later (i am keen to keep communication about it open as we feel we need to understand why so that we can move on) he says that we might not have been ‘right’ before or whilst i was pregnant!! We also had a Miscarriage before i was preggo with our LO..... I STILL DONT SEE IT! I asked him if he was depressed, he says not.
    So where we are now....
    I absolutely love this guy! We want to work things out, we want to be together, thats why we got married. I keep telling him that i love him ‘i love you’, ‘ love you too’ he says, but it always my that says it first, we cuddle in bed, but not much nooky. However when a hug him he feels dead, like there is no life there, he comes alive when he is with our LO and he is an amazing daddy, always new he would be!
    I think that he should be on his knees apologising, but he isn’t, don’t get me wrong he is sorry. I just wish that he was being more attentive.
    I cant tell my mum or friends because i am embarrassed, also in the future i don want there to be any friction between them?
    Sorry for such a long post, has any one had any similar experiences. I desperately want this to work out, i love this guy with every bone in my body....

     
  2. i am a poster but have created a new name for this post, don’t know why, just have!!
    I know you lovely ladies will have some useful advise and sometimes it helps just putting things down on paper....(typed!!)
    Okay so here goes....... I have a 7 month old LO and 4/5 weeks ago my husband of 3.5 years told me that he had been cheating on me. With a woman who did some work for his company....
    Shock of my life as i thought we were solid! How wrong was i??
    So few months before xmas i noticed he became distant from me and when questioned he blamed it on pressures of work which i accepted as he is very senior and busy at xmas time (retail industry)so i laid off putting pressure on until January when things should have settled down, and this was when he told me. Oh my god. He had finished things with this girl and has not seen her before xmas. He said something happened at xmas that made him stop, i thnk just spending time with us and all the family.
    He says he loves me and wants to make things work, his aspirations for our future he still thinks about and wants just as much as he always did, bigger house, holidays, more kids etc and with me too.
    I keep asking why he thinks it happend and doesn’t know, he works away usually once or twice a week and has said that he has never even thought of doing this before, and apparently there has been opportunity! We have been together for 8.5 years!
    He says that things must have been wrong or missing in our marriage for him to have done this, but i just don’t see it, or didn’t see it! Counting back the months until just before it happened we were happy! We had a 3 month baby, i was breast feeding, everything was hunky dory! Or so i thought...... how could i have not seen it? Further conversations later (i am keen to keep communication about it open as we feel we need to understand why so that we can move on) he says that we might not have been ‘right’ before or whilst i was pregnant!! We also had a Miscarriage before i was preggo with our LO..... I STILL DONT SEE IT! I asked him if he was depressed, he says not.
    So where we are now....
    I absolutely love this guy! We want to work things out, we want to be together, thats why we got married. I keep telling him that i love him ‘i love you’, ‘ love you too’ he says, but it always my that says it first, we cuddle in bed, but not much nooky. However when a hug him he feels dead, like there is no life there, he comes alive when he is with our LO and he is an amazing daddy, always new he would be!
    I think that he should be on his knees apologising, but he isn’t, don’t get me wrong he is sorry. I just wish that he was being more attentive.
    I cant tell my mum or friends because i am embarrassed, also in the future i don want there to be any friction between them?
    Sorry for such a long post, has any one had any similar experiences. I desperately want this to work out, i love this guy with every bone in my body....

     
  3. Hiya,
    Sorry I can't offer any advice, but didn't want to just read and not post. Perhaps you could try Relate? You sound like a lovely lady and like you don't deserve any of this. I hope you get things sorted with your OH.
    xxxxxxx
     
  4. Don't be embarrassed, it is nothing to be embarrassed about and it isn't your fault. I know though that it's hard for people to reserve judgement and 'real life' people may not be able to keep personal opinions quiet. Maybe if you have a sympathetic friend or maybe another mum who doesn't know your OH may be better to speak to.
    If you love each other and trust that he won't do it again then I'm sure you can work through it, it's not going to happen overnight but good things never do. Some men find it hard to adjust to family life. My OH keeps asking me when I will be back to normal, I keep explaining that I;m a mother now and priorities have changed. Plus I'm blooming knackered!
    I know how horrible it feels. My last relationship [we were engaged] ended when I discovered he had 2 other women on the go. One was a 16 year old girl [he was 26]. I think I went through every emotion under then sun and beat the hell out of him [it didn't help]. Eventually though the anger subsides.
    Sorry I don't have any really useful advice but I hope things work out for you xxx
     
  5. 1. You absolutely desparately need relationship counselling. I recommend relate. If he won't go he's not serious about making this work (I think he is serious and he will go).
    2. If you have a friend you will listen to you and support you through this without being judgemental, tell them. This is going to drive you to hell and back. You, personally, are going to need support. If he won't accept this he's not serious about making this work. Just do it. Tell people you trust. Tell him you've told them. Tell him it's part of what you need to move on and if you can't move on you'll be splitting up anyway and then everyone will know.
    3.
    This probably isn't true yourthoughts. It's probably true that he has deep issues which have surfaced now and which need to be addressed with professional help. The affair is a very visible and damaging symptom of that but it happened because it was offered at a time when he was all over the place.
    Take it as a huge warning that there are issues here that need to be addressed. They are his issues. The solution will inevitably involve challenging work on the way you interact as a couple. Demand the counselling. Tell your support team.


    I suppose this will be one of the most frightening things for you to hear by my marriage fell apart when my son was six months old due to the involvement of another woman. We went to relate for months and then I carried on my own for another year. A year after we split we knew it was for good but we have continued to coparent very cordially and effectively because of the work we did in conselling. I had a couple of very, very dark years yourthoughts but emerged from them much stronger and more self aware and went on to a much happier marriage.
    Don't be afraid to face this yourthoughts. My destiny is not yours. You have to go and find yours and you wont do that by hiding from it.

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  6. Thanks ladies for your replies!!

    I have mentioned going to relate and he didn't say no! I'm sure if I book it he will come. Does anyone have any or know of any couples who have used relate before???
    Thanks again xx
     
  7. If I remember rightly it was about £30 a session. One of the reasons you will have to tell people is that someone is going to have to look after you baby to let you go.
    It's good. The sessions were well constructed to help us get to know and understand each other. What's shocking is not how little you know each other but how little you know yourself. You've changed so much. You're ready to shed your childhood baggage but you need support to recognise what it is and to put it down.
    Hard stuff to explain.
    If he's up for it you should grab it with both hands.
    That's part of the solution.
    The other part is that you will need personal support to deal with how this will have shattered your world.
     
  8. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Again another post that you might not want to hear but here goes. I separated from my now ex after being together for 10 years (on and off) and when my son was 3 1/2. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but deep down I knew we were were not compatible. We had so much in common and were the best of friends but as a lifelong couple, we knew it would not work out. Counselling might have helped but there are things about her that would not change and I knew I could not handle living my only life with those things.
    It's been two years. She is still my best friend and we co parent very well. I can't really explain nor do I understand my relationship with her but we get on much better than when we were together. I still think about her a lot and wonder if we made the right decision but our son knows he is loved and cared for by his mum and dad and that his mum and dad care for each other. I wish things could have turned out differently but deep down I know we made the right choice.
    Separation does not mean the end of the world even though it might feel like it. But then you also have nothing to lose by going to Relate. But remember, you only have 1 life in this world and "there's no return and no deposit".
     
  9. Hi Robyn. If you want to understand your relationship better to help you carefully and deliberately move on to something better I would still recommend relate. When I went on my own my counsellor helped me tease apart exactly what I would do again and what I wouldn't. It worked for me.
    On a rather more positive note yourthoughts the reason I am so positive about your situation compared with mine is that my husband never completely broke with the other woman. 7 years later they're still together. Your husband did.
     
  10. thanks again everyone! im taking it day by day...... thenk god i have my little princess to cheer me up!!
    xx
     
  11. not me but a very close friend husband did a similar thing with a woman at work - woman insisted that they go to relate - they went for quite a while I seem to remember and are still together! Hope everything works out for you
     

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