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My husband ... ****** useless!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Mrs Mo, May 3, 2011.

  1. I've just spend the major part of the bank holiday weekend in A&E with a kidney stone problem (one got stuck and was obstrucing my left kidney). So, lots of pain, vomiting, loads of morphine and other drugs. Got discharged, then re-admitted as I was vomiting and not keeping anything down.
    To cut a long story short, I've been feeling pretty ****. The day after I was discharged, my husband disappeared to his allotment - for the entire day - leaving me on my own with my daughter and my 88 year old mum, who I am a carer for. I had to get up off my sickbed and see to her because, low and behold, she was feeling ill and had gone to bed with nothing to eat or drink and, being rather confused and forgetful, didnt know what was going on. I had a go at him about it when he got home but he is the kind of person who is never in the wrong, so it is water off the duck's back really.
    I have been up and pottering about but still feel fairly awful at times (might be the drugs I'm on, not sure really). I'm signed off work this week. Just about managed to muster the energy to drive my daughter to school this morning but have spent the rest of the day on the sofa. Hubby volunteered to do the Tesco shop on his way home. I was gobsmacked when he came home clutching 4 knock-down-in-price easter eggs, bags of sweets, cakes, scones, 2 huge jars of mayonnaise, crisps etc. etc. I think he is trying to give us all diabetes or something, or else a coronary. All I wanted was some nice, healthy food for the family.
    The house is slowly going to pot - I havent the energy to run the hoover round and my husband certainly cant be bothered. There's never any offer to help with anything. I've had a massive pile of ironing to do; I started but just couldnt do it. My dear mum finished it for me, bless her but it took her a couple of hours! My husband is only interested in his bl**dy garden and s*dding allotment. I just despair. I now know what his priorities are. He comes home from work and goes straight out into the garden, or just slobs on the bed playing with his ****** ipad for the entire evening. If I had the energy and could support myself, I'd leave. Now.[​IMG]
  2. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    The bloke is living with his mother-in-law? I'm suprised he's not done the same. Though hiding in the garden sounds like a great idea.
  3. I think you've possibly hit the nail on the head here, but he was all for my mum coming to live with us. Still doesnt excuse the lack of care & consideration.
  4. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    If you need help of this sort again, how about getting an agency nurse in?
    He might get the message that you need looking after?
    Big (careful) hug to you!
  5. Oh that sounds VERY familiar Lily.
    I like the idea of going away and leaving them to it...to live in their own mess.
    When I was bed bound at home with a carved up stomach..and a fifteen inch long wound - having just had it more or less excavated in hosital, I was drugged up to the hilt on painkillers yet not one of them'nursed' me naturally...mainly because I tend to be cheery, smiley and tolerate pain quietly. I am not one for a fuss..but bloody hell...I was having to ASK for water, for help to go to the loo and when the man came over after work to visit me he'd be making me a meal...otherwise I think I'd have starved. At the time I found it very hurtful...but the kids actually said they didn't realise I was bed-bound. They'd seen me tottering around on the hospital ward with my drip stand in tow and thought all was well. This was a few years ago and I'd like to think they've matured and they'd be more helpful if they were faced with a similar situation again.
    The man, bless him, took me to his house for a fortnight and we left them to it. The day before I returned home - after two weeks away, I texted all the kids to say my kitchen had better be spotless, or else.
    I have been lucky with present man, my fiance. Both he and my ex-husband were very capable. The first wasn't very loving though. He was totally selfish. He vanished to the pub and left me to cope with house, job, kids...everything really...for about 90% of the time we were married. There was always something else to keep him occupied....something else that needed his time and attention and I was 'moaning and nagging' if I ever complained.
    Much sympathy Mrs Mo. Some men really do wear blinkers.
  6. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    Can you kick him out? [​IMG]
    Or write him a list of jobs to be done? Including a shopping list for Tescos?
  7. Sometimes I'm gald to be single!
  8. Crowbob

    Crowbob Established commenter

    What if they find they enjoy it?
  9. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    I can't ever imagine living with my parents (let alone in-laws) in such a arrangement. It's as though you are 'writing off' any kind of home life, privacy, intimacy that you hope to share with him (as though having kids isn't challenging enough to those things!).

  10. [​IMG] I think they love it when I am not around.
    But Bob..it's my house, I ain't moving out and I tend to fund most of it. [​IMG]
    If they want to live in a pig-sty in peace and filth they can go and find their own. I still feel at times like I am running a hotel. It tends to run smoothly most of the time, but only because I do the lion's share of everything I suspect.
    If only it were easy to just pack up and leave. It just isn't an option for many people...so many constraints.
  11. They won't. They're like they are out of laziness amd selfishness, not an enjoyment of chaos. Someone else always cracks first, but when that someone isn't there, they won't like it. They will blame that person for not being there, not themselves for their slobbishness. Whether they dislike the mess and lack of service more than they dislike shifting their idle *** predicates what happens next.
  12. Why does the idiot swear filter let you type **** but not a r s e s?
  13. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    maybe there is one to many **** slol
    when im il i just like to be left alone..........and as im a well trained house husband i get to look after most of the othe jobs as well...so if my wife is unwell she normally gets siler service........dam my halo is slipping lol[​IMG]
  14. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Because I managed not to die as a result of my heart attack it never crossed anyone's mind that I might need or appreciate anyone's help when I got out of hospital. I was ambulatory so could manage. I looked well so wasn't "ill".
    Fortunately, I was used to being on my own or with young children or useless teenagers following various operations over the years so I managed.
    I think it's probably easier to manage oneself if you don't expect help and if there isn't another adult in the house of whom you might have some expectations.
    I remember being very ****** off after my hip replacement when I felt I had no choice but to mop the kitchen floor myself because my then teenage children had disappeared again....then I realised that I could just leave it until I was fit to do it and left it dirty after that.
    The difficulty lies in expecting help and thinking that a live in adult might provide it. If they're used to you coping then you're stuffed.
    Do your shopping online (an absolute boon following operations etc). Get ironing picked up and brought back ironed. Let them feed themselves rubbish and/or carryouts.
    Or do as lily did.

  15. ditwee

    ditwee New commenter

    Shop online. Phone a cleaning company and spend your OH's money on a cleaning service while you're ill. Use an ironing service. Don't mind the expense...your health is worth pure gold. Imagine what he would be like if the roles were reversed, and it was his mum living with you.
  16. Completely agree with that.
    I have come to believe in karma. When my son was 9 months old I became really ill, I had 5 infections in different parts of my body. I managed to persuade my then husband to take me to the doctor's. The doctor told me to go home to bed and stay there. I did what he said and fell asleep. A couple of hours later I was woken by my son crying. My ex husband had gone to the pub for his lunch and stayed there til the early hours.
    Now he is a young adult my son wants nothing to do with his father and never even refers to him. My son is making a great success of his life and I am very proud of him. As I said I have come to believe in karma, my ex obviously did not care about either of us.
  17. It is my mum that lives with us. She is a lovely, white-haired old lady with never a harsh word to say (mellowed a lot in her dotage)! He has a far better relationship with her than he did with his own mum (step-mum).
    So he actually gets on well with my mum, however, I think he does find the forgetfulness and confusion hard going sometimes, as do I. Mum is sometimes on another planet to the rest of us!
    The whole set up is not ideal and I am feeling pretty depressed about it all. Our lives have been turned upside down (well, mine anyway) - as has our house, which now resembles a cross between a junk yard and an old folks home. I wouldnt be surprised if the stress has been behind my recent health problems. I only want what is best for my mum and I'm not sure staying with us is the best thing any more. I am a pretty rubbish care-giver. Just lately its been impossible given my state of health. I just feel if I sat mum down and told her she'd have to go into a home, she'd feel betrayed.

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    Mrs Mo - can you get any help with your mum? She may be eligible for extra money, daycare, respite etc.. Worth asking surely? Especially if you feel its been affecting your health.
    As for the husband ... GRRRRR !
  19. Can you get your OH to take on 'one job a day' so he feels it is manageable (& is less daunted), you get a breather & things get done! I have done this with my teenage children in the past - I write a list & they choose which ones they will do.
    Also - agree with other posters, if you can afford it, get ironing done by someone else, order food online, get the house cleaned by someone, etc.
  20. anotherauntsally

    anotherauntsally Senior commenter

    Gosh, I find that really hard to take in. Apart from anything else, you're still quite young. It must have been a terrible shock for everyone. I hope you're on the mend and things are getting back to normal.

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