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My husband left me on Jan 1st. Help.

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by kittylion, Feb 2, 2012.

  1. kittylion

    kittylion Senior commenter

    You need to go and see your GP and see if you can get some help. Obviously your husband is not going to help but what about other family members - do you have parents? If you tell them that you are being treated for depression, aren't coping well and your children are beginning to suffer I am sure they will try and help.

    Do your son's school know about his stepfather leaving? They may be able to arrange some counselling or some sort of arrangement for him.

    If there are money problems then make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau and see what practical advice they can give you - but most of all MAKE AN URGENT APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR DOCTOR TOMORROW.

    Remember, all this will pass and it will get better, but you have to go and ASK for help.
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Perhaps your husband has work worries or something else which is troubling him.
    It's natural to feel you're not coping after such an event and looking after a disabled son with 'just one' makes everything a little bit harder! No wonder it all became too much
    However on the positive side the school obviously want to work with you to help your son, so you're not completely alone.
    You have been to see your GP? has he/she recommended some counselling ? There are many ways to help you through this.
  3. sebedina

    sebedina Occasional commenter

    awh,so sorry to read this. You aren't alone but it is a tough time. Your children need you so think of them and yourself. You can't deal with everything if you aren't getting enough sleep and rest. Start looking after your health by eating properly and taking vitamins.
    Don't dwell over this if you can. Try and have a good routine that involves good sleeping routine for all of you. Then you can deal with it better. Walking and exercise is a positive thing that you can do to make yourself feel better and think straight.
    Take a bit of time to accept the situation, don't blame yourself. In life nothing is permanent anyways. Everything is temporary. Your youngest son is simply picking up on your drama and upset. That is unfair on him. Try and make a list of things that you can do with your kids, e.g. go the library, museum, swimming etc Make some memories with your children, and replace the void thas has been left. Take photos and play board games with the children etc, you can enjoy life. This situation is temporary. If your husband sees that you are strong he will respect you more. If you simply drown in self pity, he will be glad he left. (even if you feel like that you need to be strong).
    You will cope and you ARE strong enough. Try and arrange babysitting so that you can get out on your own with a friend. Try and be busy.
    It is a horrible time, but you will be OK. Your children need you and they are the most important thing not this silly guy.

  4. I do blame myself as I keep thinking there is something wrong with me. I have been to the GP and have been referred to counselling. It's just one thing on top of another. I worry every minute of the day and cry all the time. Yes I have friends and family who have been great but the last thing at night and first thing in morning it's just me and that's when I feel the worst.
    I am too scared to go out in case I see him and really don't want to go out anyway. I have no routine anymore and I am just exhausted all of the time. I have never hurt so much ever and it's killing me. I am worried as I am not strong and no one is listening. The Dr is great by telling me it's not my fault etc but I bickered as well. I feel such a failure!!!!
  5. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    Of course it isn't your fault. I'm so sorry, I have no real advice but the only comfort I have to offer if that I promise it will not always be like this, things will get better. x
  6. chuk

    chuk New commenter

    As a temporary measure, you may need to consult with your GP about the possibility of being put on some form of medication to help you. Accept the counselling, and if the NHS take too long to provide it, then you might like to try getting help through your employer. Some have employee assistance programmes.
    Secondly, do not blame yourself. The more negative affirmations you make, the harder it will be to start thinking straight again. Accept help from friends and family and the wider community. If you are in fulltime work, I suggest that you take some time off in order to recover from this shock.
    Thirdly, I know this is going to sound like a cliche, but things will improve with time. Be gentle with yourself, but make sure that you try and get some fresh air every day. Try to eat regularly, and also get as much sleep as you can. The last two are very difficult when you are going through difficult times. I hope this helps.
  7. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    You could find out whether your school has insurance with this service:


    Counselling is also available to staff who are still working. I was contacted this week and asked to assess someone for counselling.
  8. Thanks for your kind words. This man brought up my children longer than their father did. Why isn't he bothered with them now? Yes the older two are adults/almost adults but my youngest doted on him.
    My youngest has been very upset in school every day and a letter from the school tipped me over the edge on Thursday. I had to contact them urgently re his behaviour. I texted my husband but he didn't reply for ages. I just told him what had been going on. His replied made me hysterical as he said he has enough on his plate as it is and he is plagued by his own worries. This is the man who changed my life for the better seven years ago and who I let into my kids lives??????
    Despite being hysterical I texted him saying OK, but if you ever need to talk about your problems then I won't turn away. My friends are shocked at his reaction and say I must now turn to the other people who will help. I only wanted to share my worry with him, that's all. It just seems one thing after another and I wish to God people would listen when I say I'm not strong enough!!!!
    The Dr is ok but I don't think she believes me when I say I'm not strong enough to be honest. I have been every week to her and still I don't feel better. She doesn't want to go down the route of meds and to be honest I'm not sure I do but will if I have to.
    I am just not living at the moment. I'm exhautsed through getting through the day. I cry every single day. I torture myself with thoughts of what he's doing etc, horrible thoughts. I wonder what he's told people and whether he's blamed me totally...he even changed his fb to single!
    I think about my birthday, next month and what I'll be doing, I worry about Xmas, I worry about how I'll be on our anniversary...I worry about if there's something wrong with me that I can't keep a husband...the tears are really flowing now! I worry about who will help me and my son once my parents aren't around...when my other two have left home...I worry about going out and bumping into his family or him...I haven't wanted to go out on the weekend in case I saw him.
    He's just left me to pick up the pieces.
    I did tell him this when I dumped all of his stuff at his rented place but he didn't want to hear it. Not his problem I guess anymore now.
    I have just emailed the samaritans for the first time in my life. I have an appt with Occ Health but what will they do? Offer counselling? I need it now, not in a months time.
    No matter what **** I have been through, I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but not this time. This was the man who I wanted to marry because I loved him and worshipped him. This was the man who changed my life and now he has just walked out.
    Thanks for listening to me...
  9. I don't know if this is much help but just wanted to say that this is normal and even though it's horrible to go through it's part of the healing process. Heartbreak is a killer, I remember a really bad break up I had, adored the guy, I lost 2 stone because I pretty much didn't eat for nearly 4 weeks, cried daily for long periods. Lots of us have been there, I was fine after a while, in fact I can't understand why I was so upset now. You'll be fine too, it just takes time. I know that doesn't help to solve your situation but I just wanted to say that you are reacting in the same way any heartbroken person would.

    My advice is to buy the box set of Sex and the City and watch them back to back.
    Keep asking yourself this, why is HE responsible for YOUR happiness? You were happy before you met him i'm sure and you will be happy again. Cry it out of your system, each man has his allocation of tears, you'll eventually use his up. The ladies in Sex and the City will also give you much humour to break ups, I found it useful.

    I hope you start to feel better soon, take care.
  10. chuk

    chuk New commenter

    Listen very carefully to this advice.
    Contact OH and ask for a professional counselling referral. keep in contact with your GP. Consider medication only as a temporary measure. As an ex-samaritan, I would fully advocate their services. You can even arrange face to face contact if you want it.
    Try to stop focusing on second guessing everything. Live each day at a time. I say this because, after 3 three months off work, I have only just returned back to work on a phased return. It takes time to get back to normal.
    Take care!
  11. I had to post as I felt exactly the same. My partner left left several years ago and it was truly dreadful. I wanted to never wake up. I used to see roadkill and feel envious that at least their suffering was over. I felt hollowed out, peeled and dipped in salt. It was a physical agony. It lasted a LONG time but after about six months I found I was more capable of being by myself. There were sometimes where I'd put the key in the door and wonder what the point of turning it was since there was noone in and noone would care if I didn't.
    Can I recommend getting a pet if you haven't got one? I had a dog and she is such a blessing as I HAVE to go out at least twice a day. I also recommend watching 'sex and the city' back to back. I found podcasts a blessing as I downloaded lots of comedy ones (Adam and Joe, Rhod Gilbert etc.) and listened to them all night as I hated waking up to silence. I wish I could have had someone who'd been through the same thing reassure me that there would be a future. All my friends have not experienced an adult break-up so I felt quite an outcast.
    I recall very vividly the feeling that I had to step forward as the door has closed behind me. I didn't want to step away from that 'old' life with my partner but I had no choice but to keep stepping into the darkness and sooner or later there will be a light. For me there hasn't been a feeling of 'hooray, everything is fine again' but I am settled at least and I find that the pain has lessened enormously and I am looking forward to things again. Allow yourself to feel the pain now knowing that it IS normal and it WILL get less. And PM me if you'd like to x
  12. katycustard

    katycustard Occasional commenter

    I'm so sorry to hear how awful you're feeling. When this happened to me I didn't try and get through day by day but minute by minute and after a couple of weeks, hour by hour. I too went to my GP every week and she didn't want to give me any medication. She didn't and I cried a lot and thought I couldn't breathe and would die. I too had 3 children and even though he was their step-dad he had been a good dad until the day he left.
    We did all get over it, the crying did stop eventually, your body can't keep it up for ever. Then there would be days when I suddenly thought I hadn't thought about him or the situation for a minute or two, then those minutes became hours and finally days. I was signed off work for about 3 weeks after he left me and then I was able to stop crying during working hours. (Well sometimes I had to go in the loo for a cry at lunch time!)
    That was all a very long time ago, over 20 years ago but I can remember how raw I felt as if it were yesterday. Time does heal, but not yet, you have to keep going for your youngest child, you have to do breakfast, get him to school and feed him and you in the evening. Don't worry if you can't do any more. Don't worry if you can't go into school for the meeting, either phone or write a short note explaining what's happened. If you do feel able to go in, don't worry if you cry in the meeting, you won't be the first or last parent to do that.
    Use the samaritans whenever you need to, if you need to say goodnight to someone they will be there. They are not just for suicidal people.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are.
  13. Ok an update...
    I was off work for almost 6 1/2 months and only went back for the last two weeks off school for 2 hours a day and that was hard. School is the least of my worries. It was hard but head been great, hod not so much but lots of lovely people there giving support. The Dr has not yet signed me off fully and I will be going back this week. I don't think I'll be able to return fully for a few weeks and I still feel I've let people down. On a social night out, my hod invited the other members of the dept to her house for pre drinks but not me! I was the one giving lifts. Then in the car she kept on about how much work needs to be done etc. That spoilt my night!
    Since he left he stopped paying the mortgage. I had an eviction notice. I got put on every homeless list possible but it looked like we would be in a b and b for six months. I had told him time after time that he was going to make us homeless by not contributing but it fell on deaf ears. He was and still is having too much of a good time, going out drinking and smoking weed. His bank statements come here so I can see how much he spends in pubs etc while I struggle. Anyway on the advice of Shelter I went to court and the eviction was cancelled for the time being. It was the worst experience of my life! I was alone and it was horrific. The night before he had turned up hammering on the door for half an hour before I went to the window. He was demanding to know about the house even though I had told him. He was screaming and shouting at me about how this would affect him. Affect him!?!! My disabled child was in the house too and it was only after I threatened to phone the police he left. It was awful. I cried and I just didn't know who he was anymore. All year he'd been saying he was arranging to get his name off the house and that it was all mine and nothing to do with him, even though his name is on it! When I challenged him as to why he was all hot and bothered about the house and why he hadn't gotten his name off, his reply was that he'd been busy. I totally lost it saying that I'd been busy raising 3 kids, having a breakdown etc and that I was going to be homeles!
    Anyway, the judge ordered me to send some letters off to the mortgage company and the hearing was adjourned. He rang and text me loads asking what had gone on but I was so distraught at the whole thing I had to turn my phone offr. He then rang the neighbour to find out as she had given me moral support. He keeps asking what is happening and he needs to get his name off! He just text to say his solicitor will be in touch! I'm fighting to keep a roof and he says that?! I can't afford a solicitor. Could I get help from the union?
    All through this I still love him and I am digusted at myself for this. I have barely been out but was told to force myself or I would develop agrophobia. I went out for the night and I saw him. He was so out of it he didn't see me but I saw him hugging some girl. The next day I text him saying I'd seen him and he text back straightaway (which he never does) asking where so I told him.
    I bumped into his Mother for the first time since he left and she gave me a hug. She said she hadn't know what to do. She said he has argued with all his family, didn't send her birthday/mothers day cards, never rings/visits...He's gone off the rails.I just cried.
    I cry most days and think about him constantly. I need further help now I think. I torture myself with thoughts about him and my self confidence is zero. I feel a failure. I keep thinking still that there is something wrong with me as I can't keep a husband! I gave him everything!
    My disabled child had emergency surgery in June and was screaming and screaming for him but he wouldn't come. Told me he was out of the country which was a lie.
    I know I have to move forward, get my life back on track but I don't know how! Something happens to upset me all the time! I try to keep busy but I do feel lonely. I am crying now! I want to move forward but I cannot stop crying, thinking about him etc. Why can't I hate him for what he ha done? He has ruined my life, my kids...why did I let him? I feel so stupid!!!
    Sorry for rambling!
  14. Poor you - that is a terrible situation.
    Number 1 - Don't beat yourself up about things - it is very difficult to stop loving someone and isn't a sign of weakness on your part - feelings can't be turned on and off like a tap.
    Number 2 - Regarding your health - have you had counselling? Mind may be able to help out if there are long waiting lists or is there some help available through a local carers network. From what you've written you need some support of some sort, not just because you've been ill, but because anyone would crack if they had to cope with what you are coping with. You seem to be doing really well to be dealing with all this to be honest; a lot of people wouldn't be able to function at all so don't beat yourself up about it.
    As far as I am aware the union will only help out with work-related issues. Do you have house insurance that includes legal cover? Otherwise try the CAB - you will be able to get 1 session with a legal advisor and they will be able to tell you if it is possible to get any help with legal fees. I don't know what the situation is now as it has changed since I got divorced.
    The CAB may also help you to find a mediation service - even if the relationship is beyond repair they will help you to get some arrangements cleared up. Were you married to him? You probably have said but this only shows the post I'm replying to. I think that his instability means that you need a third party involved. If he continues to be threatening in any way then you should involve the police - not to punish him but from the point of view that you will then get outside agencies involved and that may help things. It may help you to have social services involved - could you make enquiries via work and then you would find out if there is anyone in SS that would give you some positive help.
    HoDs can sometimes be a pain - keep notes and if the HT is sympathetic then having a quiet word about it may be a good idea - if necessary have a word with your union rep first.
    Lastly - don't beat yourself up. ou are not stupid, you are a lovely, caring human being who has had a massive amount to deal with. A big hug to you xx
  15. katycustard

    katycustard Occasional commenter

    Sorry to hear how tough things have been, teacher support will help you, emotionally and possibly financially. www.teachersupport.org they are a charity who help teachers and don't advertise the fact they can give financial help but they can. They are a 24 hr phone support and there will always be someone to talk to you and listen, much like the samaritans.
    You are not stupid, far from it, we all do daft things in the name of love at times. There is nothing wrong with you, he just wasn't right for you. One day you will feel better.
  16. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    Just wanted to say that I have just read this thread - you have my thoughts and my best wishes. Keep well, my dear.
  17. Me too!
  18. Thank you all.
    Yes I was married and no one can make him pay the mortgage even though his name is on it, a told to me by a solicitor, during a free legal surgery.
    CAB were ok but to do with the house Shelter were much better.
    I have voiced my concerns to my Head and he did have a quiet word with the hod about the workload etc which was nice.
    As for Mind, I have now found out that the Dr has to refer me! Are there any other counselling organizations out there? I am desperate now!
    Social services are involved due to my disabled child and they have been great, writing to the court to say how being evicted would have an horrific effect etc etc.
    I told him he was welcome to talk about things whenever and even said last night...his reply...yes you've guesed it busy!
    I have given into respite for my disabled child, even though I feel horrific about it, so we are on the list for that. We hope to have a personal assistant for a few hours one night a week too. I'm not enthusiastic about it but it will do us all good.

  19. Can't believe what you are going through.
    Please don't feel bad about respite care for your child, you deserve a break and I bet she/he enjoys it!
    I am sorry I don't know any counselling organisations perhaps it would be worth seeing your doctor and getting referred.
    Sorry not much help.
    Take care xx
  20. anon2799

    anon2799 New commenter

    I'll add my thoughts to that. What an **** your ex is being. Can't offer any practical advice really but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

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