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my friends are moving on

Discussion in 'Personal' started by beckie99, Dec 31, 2010.

  1. and it's sort of left me on my own, i still like them and (i think!) they still like me, but they have all now moved in with their boyfriends, some are married and some have children or are pregnant.
    it's not that i begrudge them, i don't, but it has left me in a difficult position (i'm saying this here because obviously i can't in real life) as no one wants to do anything or go anywhere. i finally met up with one friend for a coffee yesterday but she was quite moody and we struggled for things to talk about.
    i don't know what the answer is, i suppose i need to move in with a boyfriend of my own but i'm permanently single so that's not gonna happen! and so with no boyfriend and now very few friends i'm really lonely a lot of the time.
    has anyone ever been through this, what did you do?
    also, and its a change of subject in a way but it's something that's starting to dawn on me, what if i start to approach the end of child bearing years and am still single, i know its a while off but i'm wondering about it a lot lately.
  2. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    I am married with a toddler and am pregnant, but I still find time to see my friends. Most of the time they have to sit and have coffee with my son with us in a highchair, but they seem ok with it!
    Maybe your friends think you don't want to see them if they have kids? I'm always glad when I get invited out. I enjoy talking about things other than kids!
    I don't know about the being single thing...have you tried internet dating? One of my friends met someone like that and they're now married. Or do any of your friends have male friends? That's how I met my husband - he's best friends with a guy one of my good friends was going out with.

  3. lol maybe its me then! no seriously i think its more that they just have less time, well i hope it is anyway, also none of us are the most organised people in the world so last minute arrangements aren't possible any more.
    they also know more people from baby groups and things so there's less time to fit me in if you see what i mean.
    keep trying internet dating but don't have any success with it, just 45 year old unemployed dads lol
  4. y9840125

    y9840125 Occasional commenter


    I am a 30 year old single as well. The friends who are your real friends will stick with you, even if you are, shock - horror, still single! LOL. Keep them, meet up with them for coffee. Those friends who have moved on and feel their, married with children, life is superior slowly need to be let go. I have a few of these friends, who once married and with children, couldn't understand why I was single, why I wanted to be single and we gradually grew apart. As a single, life can be lonely but it is up to you and you alone to make the most of it. Go out for coffee by yourself - surprising how many people do the same regularly and who you will be able to strike conversations up with, see what's going on in your local area and join....be busy!
  5. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    I started hanging out with a younger crowd, not much younger tbh, but just a bunch of people still more into socialising. Even though I did not want to go out drinking every weekend, I did go out simply to have some company. I'm glad I forced myself, as it's through them that I eventually met Mr Kibosh.
    I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we have to take what feels like retrograde steps, or do things we don't feel entirely comfrotable with, to open up new opportunities. It's always scary stepping out the comfort zone, but we have to when that comfort zone starts to disintegrate.
  6. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    Yeah, that is probably the main thing. I have a lot less time these days, but I love seeing my friends. I do have friends with kids too, but they are mainly friends I had before we had children. I would actually rather have coffee with a friend with no kids than sit around with millions of other mums and babies!
    Where do you live Beckie?
  7. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    I have been in a relationship for just over a year now, and have recently moved in with my boyfriend, but I still see my friends every week, sometimes more than once per week. I don't plan on having children (never say never, but not in my plans at the moment), but I imagine that once friends start having children, they will stop having as much time, and that's fine.
    But before I was with my boyfriend, I found that friends who had boyfriends/had got married didn't bother doing the things we used to do. We used to go for girls' nights out, to the local pub for tea, or to the gym for a spa/jacuzzi session. They stopped being available to do these things and I felt very much that they relationship had given them a sense of comfort: sort of like, "I don't really need to worry about instigating get-togethers because if no-one invites me anywhere, I've always got my boyfriend to do something with".
    Futhermore, there's a definite sense amongst some of my friends that, once they've got a boyfriend, there's little need to go out to pubs anymore. It's almost as if they see the purpose of going to a pub as being to meet a man, and since they've already done that, they don't need to anymore.
    Now, despite being in a relationship, I still see my single friends regularly for nights out, meals, lunch, coffee, just a girls' night in with a take-away, gym sessions followed by sauna session and gossip....there's no reason not to fit these things in.
    I guess it's just about the individual. Sadly, some people put their relationship at the top pf the list of 'things to do' and forget about those people that were there for them before they met their other half and who (God forbid) may be needed should anything go wrong with their relationship.
    I do not include, obviously, parents in this, who obviously have to make a choice to give up their previous existence when caring for a child: of course they can't just decide on a whim to meet for lunch, or go to the cinema. Life changes when you have kids, and I do appreciate having a cofffee or lunch at the Wacky Warehouse with my parent friends, because at least they are making an effort to see me.
    However, it did used to bug me that friends in relationship would suddenly decide that, instead of our usual Christmas eve trip to our local, they were going to 'have a quiet night in with the boyfriend'...."But have fun!" they'd always say. How, exactly? I used to have a tradition of spending Christmas Eve with you; now I guess I'll sit in by myself while you enjoy a cosy night with your boyfriend. You understand why someone would be bowled over by the romantic idea of a night in with their boyfriend, but what about the friend that they've just dumped?
    I try not to do this. I refuse to allow old traditions to fall by the wayside just because I've got a boyfriend now. A friend of mine recently came along to our girls' Christmas meal on the 23rd. She stayed for the meal, but the whole time she was checking her phone and sighing about how tired she was. At 9.30, she said she had to go because she was at work the next day (working 10am til 1pm). In reality, she just wanted to go home to her boyfriend. She did a similar thing on my birthday: came out to show her face, complaining all the while of how skint she was. Then she went 'home' at 10pm....in fact she went round to her boyfriend's house.
    So I totally sympathise Beckie, I really do. I hope your friends realise what they are doing and treat you better.
  8. No - it's not you! I'm in the same position as more friends pair off - some still make the effort to see me me, but with others I feel very much like a spare part. I think it can be quite hard to meet new people too; either potential friends or potential boyfriends. However, keep making the effort to get out there are find new people and don't give up on the internet dating - have you used a fee-paying site? The 'quality' tends to be better, as people are taking it more seriously!
    Whenever I start to feel down about this stuff, I remind myself that on saturday mornings, I can lie in the middle of my double bed, with the duvet EXACTLY as I want it (no tug-of-war), and read the papers for as long as I like. And if I want to eat in bed too (slovenly, I know!), nobody will complain about the crumbs! I doubt any of you friends with kids (or even boyfriends) have done that recently ....
    On a more serious note, there's no point settling for second best, even if you are worried about 'the end of child-bearing years'. You deserve to be with the right person, even if it isn't right now.
  9. It's hard for the ones moving on as well! Ever since I bought a house with my OH I stopped being invited to lots of random things! Friends just automatically assumed that because I had a 'serious job' (as they call it) and a house I was suddenly far too grown up to want to socialise.
  10. I completely agree with you here pff. I found that I was automatically excluded from things that I would previously have been invited to.
    When we got the house, I was very excited about it all and invited a few friends round for a meal. They were fine at first, but then I found myself alone in my own house as they started talking about things they hadn't invited me to or I knew nothing about and I was clicking on to how much I had been left out without realising. This was in August and despite a few txts here and there, we havn't met up since. There would usually be Oct/Nov birthdays, Xmas nights out, weekend shopping trips...etc but no, they have changed so much since seeing my house. I've cried to my mam a few times and she said not to worry, they're just jealous (but doesn't make it any easier tho does it?)
    It's hard because you know you have to make time for your boyfriend and keep money for your house, but you are still trying to find time/money to do the things you used to do. I always try to compromise, for e.g if I did something with bf on Fri night, would see friends on the Sat. I really hoped my friends would have been understanding of this but unfortunately they havn't.
  11. OP I know exactly how you feel - I have recently moved back to the parental home after my long term relationship failed (we were living together). My friends are all at much more advanced stages in their lives. I do go out with them but don't enjoy it as they are all talking weddings / mortgages / babies etc (that probably sounds selfish of me to not enjoy it but I'm still hurting over my last relationship and feel bitter towards anyone who has anything good going on).

    I don't know what the answer is - sorry - just wanted you to know you're not alone.
  12. This has really hit home OP I can identify with everything you have said. It's as if said friends forget about that time in their lives when they were single and enjoyed being out and about. I can understand that people move on but often find that when we go out the chat revolves around partners, babies etc etc so often have very little to contribute and when asked so what's new with you it tends to be same old same old....... Not much help to you OP but can totally understand where you are coming from, I guess one idea would be to seek out new single friends who are in a similar situation, easier said that done though! Let's see what the NY brings!!
  13. It's not just you. Thankfully a couple of my friends for various reasons are still, despite being coupled up, not in babyville or premature middle-aged settled-down-ness yet.
    It's family members who judge you according to how much of their "how to run your life" checklist you've achieved that are my particular bugbear. I'm the failure of our family by their warped, twisted little criteria.
  14. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    Every word of this rings true for me! I'm the failure of my family because, despite my good job, nice home in lovely area of town, own car, good health and fitness, happy relationship, lots of friends, having travelled to several continents.....I didn't get married at 23 and pop out 3 kids, so I'm a failure.
  15. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    I was the same as you, always the one making the contact, sending texts, offering to make arrangements, inviting for coffee etc. Always would be the reply, "Oh, I can't, I'm doing X, Y or Z". I have a circle of friends that I've known for over 20 years. We were all scattered around the country, but for years when everyone came home at Christmastime, I would organise a nice meal and night out for us all to get together. Everyone said how much they enjoyed it and would always ask me each year, "Are you arranging the night out again? We must do it again!". Then one year, they didn't ask. I found out later that 3 of the girls (my oldest friends in the world) had gone out together, just them and their boyfriends and the same night we used to always have our Christmas night. I wasn't invited, persumably because they wanted a couples night and I was single at the time.

    My personal favourite moment was when a so-called friend whom I'd had no messages, calls or invitations from for 3 years suddenly took umbridge with me deleting her from my facebook friends list. Apparently, she was rather miffed that I'd not offered to help her with organising her wedding, nor sent an engagement present (she didn't have a party, not one I was invited to anyway), nor did I get invited to a hen night, or any part of the wedding....apparently after 3 years of no contact, she expected me to get inn touch and ask if I could please at least come to the church, even though she'd given me no idication that I'd be remotely welcome.
  16. Beckie I know how you feel! I'm 34 and eternally single. Most of my friends are married, have a child and are now onto baby number 2. I do have a few die hard single friends left but those are gradually now coupling up too. I've been to 20 weddings in the last 6 years! I dread birthdays now as it's another reminder of getting older and how nothing has changed, in addition to the fact I normally spend most of the day on my own.
    I've recently joined a local social group which was hard at first as I didn't know anyone but there are lots of like minded people there in a similar position. Like another poster said, I've also made some friends with younger people. I don't always want to go out with them but it's nice to be asked and to actually spend time with people that don't want to talk about babies and weddings.
    I'm finding that I'm drifting away from some friends I've known for years who have children. There are some other friends wit kids who I do meet up with and we still have a laugh as they like to talk about things other than the child! Don't get me wrong, I do like my friend's children but just don't want to hear about them the whole time!
    About a year ago I spent the weekend at a friend's house with two other school friends. Two of them had babies and two of us didn't. Me and my other child free friend had an awful weekend as the other two talked non stop for 48 hours about labour, birth, babies, nappies, travel cots, childminders, teething, feeding etc and I couldn't wait to get home. It also depressed me as I felt I had nothing in common with them anymore. There was also an element of showing off going on too with comments like 'well, when you've been through labour...' or 'see, look at the things you have to do when you have kids!' There were also comments about how motherhood is the hardest job and I'm sure that's true but it made me and my friend feel inadequate like we're not worthy or something because we don't have children. I haven't met up with those friends since as I can't bear the thought of the constant baby and child talk again (and feeling inadequate because I don't have a husband, nice house and two children!). I got really annoyed when they made a comment about what else would you do with your life if you don't have children as although you can have nice holidays etc, it's not quite got the same meaning. Errr, yes well that's providing you can actually find a man to have children with and that you are able to have children in the first place! Arghhhh!
    Rant over, sorry!
  17. I think that it is very much a 'stage' you and 'they' are passing through.
    I am now in the situation where divorced 20 years ago, I am being rejoined by many of my previously loved up friends in the singleton stakes. Many marriages don't last as we all know. So those who drop their single friends could well find themselves pretty friendless down the line. I think we should all try to maintain friendships if at all possible.
    The loneliest time in my liife was when I found that I was excluded from the couples social scene when my son was small. I divorced when he was 18 months old and all the other mums I met were married. They had a busy social life at the weekend with parties, barbecues etc. I was never invited as I did not have a partner in tow. They would tell me all about their weekends without ever thinking (I suppose) that I spent every weekend alone caring for my son.
    I was even 'used' my another mum as an alibi while she had an affair. Ironic really as she invented a whole social life for me that I never had.
    Anyway I now have a wider social circle than at any time since uni. I have friends who are both married and divorced. I have a decent social life although I don't get invited to couply things still.
  18. Oh how true.
    Sis is an unmarried mum of 1, deputy head real teacher = total success.
    Me? Married 21 years, no kids (our choice), FE qualified subject leader + masters = deficient somehow!
    A kid is always the differentiating factor!
  19. I more than likely can't have kids, and am lousy at making cups of tea = total failure as an offspring and grandchild. Got to love my family - don't pay your rent, don't go to school, spend months living on the run in a tent in someone's garden... have kid and tea-making skills = wow stonking success who can do no wrong!
  20. Really? Your family really sees this as successful? Are you sure?

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