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my baby hates me!

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by truelove, Apr 16, 2011.

  1. I'm looking for some advice really as I feel I am totally failing as a mother. My daughter is 5 weeks old now and seems to hate me all she does is cry when I hold her but she will settle straight away when passed to her dad or my mum, I've tried copying what they do but it just doesn't settle her and the longer I try the more distressed she gets.
    Has anyone else ever been in this situation or felt like this? I feel like such a failure. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and it's breaking my heart to see her so upset all the time.
  2. Your baby doesn't hate you at all, and you are not a failure!! Babies, even tiny wee ones, pick up on your emotional state. When mine was tiny and I was very exhausted and feeling like a failure (it seems a rite of passage for new mums to feel like a failure, unfortunately) I couldn't always calm her when she was distressed. Someone new to the situation who wasn't as sleep deprived, sore and hormonal was always able to calm her as they were calm themselves. Her dad, or in particular my mother-in-law, who seemed to be the baby whisperer!
    Small babies cry, new mums feel ghastly far too much of the time, and the two sometimes make a challenging combination. Take it slowly and don't put such pressure on yourself. I was crying constantly (never mind the baby!) till 6 weeks but after about 8 weeks things were much easier to handle... especially with the beginnings of huge smiles!

  3. God, yeah, the visitors don't smell of milk either - this happened to me all the time - was bloody annoying. It changes soon and you will be the only one who can comfort her - just as annoying, believe me! I would just try to take advantage and rest while other people hold her - check emails, have a whole cup of hot tea, go for a walk, just take a break to help you relax a bit. It does get easier - at six weeks, three months and six months, I found it all got much easier each time.
  4. kittenjames

    kittenjames New commenter

    noooooooooo! your baby doesn't hate you, she's not even capable of 'hate'. you are not a failure, you're a brand new mummy, it's so hard. you're tired, in pain and your hormones are up sh*t creek. i remember saying to my husband that my baby didn't like me because, as his mummy, i should've been able to stop him crying and couldn't. the truth was i was utterly exhausted through lack of sleep and a traumatic birth and i was expecting far too much from myself. 5 weeks is very, very early days and things will change and settle down and you will get to know this lovely little stranger and you will know how best to comfort and love her. at 13 weeks i finally feel like i'm starting to get a grip on things. so give yourself a break, your baby loves you unconditionally and that love will grow and grow as you get to know each other - promise! lots of hugs x
  5. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Just wanted to let you know that this cr@ppy phase will pass, my love, I promise you that!
    Some babies are a wee bit more colicky or just downright whingey from the start, but they do settle down and you will very soon be the centre of her whole universe. It's honestly just a fluke that she's quieter with the others, but your hormones will be telling you otherwise!
    You sound like a lovely mum and very soon you will start to enjoy your baby girl that bit more. I'm a mother to 3 girls, all of whom were right drama queens from the start!
    Oh and by the way, my youngest daughter (20 months old) has always been a daddy's girl but I think he sometimes wishes she wasn't [​IMG]. She is proper high maintenance and follows him around everywhere, not giving him a break and ensuring that he attends to her every need!
    Enjoy the peace while it lasts and all the best with everything. You're doing a great job and your little one loves you to bits, even if she can't express it just yet! xx
  6. I can't really add anything new to this but just want to offer you some comfort.

    Your baby does not hate you- you smell of milk and food- the tears are to let you know she wants it. Also, some babies cry more than others and it may feel like she is crying all the time- but IT IS a phase and in the weeks to come, you will look back at this phase and realise how far you have come.

    It isn't anything you are doing, or not doing- so just try and relax- if she cries, do not tense up and blame yourself (easier said than done, I know). relax and cuddle, offer food, walk around.
    Soon, you will fall into your stride and feel a bit more confident. I am sure most of us have felt like failures in the newborn days. I remember crying and crying and saying 'why can't I get her to sleep, everyone else manages it, I am a terrible mummy, she is so sad, I am so rubbish....' 8 months on and things are a lot easier.

    You will get that first smile and then realise you are not rubbish xx
    If you see your health visitor - it may be worth talking to them about how you feel as well.
  7. ((hugs)) I could almost have written this post myself, so believe me you are not alone in feelinglike this. My lo is just over 6 weeks now and not so long ago I was feeling the same way. I was lucky to have my parents staying nearby for the first 5 weeks and they came over most days, in trying to help they would often take the baby from me when she was crying and wouldn't settle. My dad is amazing with babies and would swaddle her up and calm her down. I loved having the break but felt like a bit of a failure because I wasn_'t the one calming her, but as mum said, I still needed looking after as well so soon after giving birth. I srill get a bit panicky when I'm on my own with her and she is very upset, but am gradually learning to do it myself and growing in confidence each time I manage to settle her. It's not easy as different things work different times, and it is always harder to hear your own baby crying. My mum finds it easier to comfort my baby than she did me, she says the cries don't strike at your heart the way it does with your own child. I thought she was amazing with Elli, but she admited that when I used to cry a lot, she would have to go out for a walk while my dad comforted me.
    Finally, don't discout the fact that we smell like milk which no one else does, so that can make it harder for us to give cuddles and calm them down without distracting them with food as a comfort.I kind of assumed that as her mum I would instinctivelyknow how to calm her, and she would be automatically happy when I was holding her... again, dad pointed out that it doesn't work that way unfortunately! As others have said, a stage will come later when all they'll want is mummy, but in the newborn stage it's not that way... perhaps luckily as it means that others can step in at a time when we need to be taking care of ourselves too...
    You sound like a wonderful mum, who is just coming to terms with all the changes of new motherhood, plus raging hormones, tiredness etc xx

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