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My annual Christmas rant

Discussion in 'Personal' started by doomzebra, Dec 11, 2010.

  1. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Sorry, I wasn't going to do this again this year - I made a real effort to adopt a cheery Christmas happy-head, but a trip into town led me into Scroogality once more.
    Why do so many people feel they have to do certain things at Christmas "just because we've always done it that way"?
    I am NOT talking about nice family traditions that provide a welcome link and joyful memories of times and peple gone by; rather the pointless little things that no-one actually likes but get churned out year after year after bleedin' year.
    Dates: a compressed box of candied cockroaches that sit on the sideboard or coffee table and no-one eats and the dog swallows the little plastic dagger that is superglued onto the box (a box that extorts you to "EAT ME" like a palm-based **** star) by a sugar/epoxy amalgam. Dates (fresh dates) are sublime and are available year-round. Try them, eat them, but spare me from the sticky squished sable tirds[sic]
    Nuts: a bowl of nuts and a comedy nutcracker. No-one likes them but there is an obligation to try them and kernel-shrapnel flies everywhere, piercing arteries and blinding pets, and Great Uncle Vern gets a hernia trying to break a Brazil nut
    Christmas Pudding: the heaviest duff possible after the biggest meal of the year. Which genius came up with that combination? Setting fire to it doesn't make it any more acceptable, especially when you use industrial-strength brandy
    Turkey: a vast bird that no-one cooks properly, meaning I get offered the appetising choice of stringy cardboard or a moist bloodbath. Seriously, you do NOT need to cook something that could have carried off Sinbad when alive.
    Sprouts: 4 minutes, not 4 hours. Nuff said
    Quality Street: After 37 minutes there will be the flat gold discs and the brown oblongs left. Buy Cadbury Roses
    Mulled Wine: If the bottle of Latvian shiraz is **** to begin with, boiling it with pot-pourri is not going to make it drinkable. I'd rather have a glass of hot Um-bongo
    53-year old singletons: They are alone for a reason- do not add them onto your family occasion. They will get blotto and either fall out of their blouse or become insanely maudlin. Do NOT let them try and telephone anyone after 8:30pm
    Presents for middle-aged men: We have enough ties, socks, books of golf jokes. Buy us booze.
    Christmas episodes of soap operas: Death is stalking the Street/Square - we get it!
    The latest James Bond film: Daniel Craig is NOT Sean Connery and never will be. He is not even Timothy Dalton
    Midnight Mass: who the hell is that in MY pew?
    Christmas cards from people in the house: could you not just have said "Happy Christmas" to me and added the £2.85 you spent on the card to my present? (booze, remember, not socks)
    Cheese and biscuits: Wensleydale with fruitgums in it is unacceptable. And please put out digestives to have with the Stilton
    Paper hats in crackers: Size 8 heads exist - make the hats big and they can be made smaller - they can't be larger. A rip up th eback and they will fall off into my gravy. Dammit.
    Pictionary: Draw it properly in the first place. Repeatedly tapping your vague sausage-shaped squiggle with two triangles coming out one end does NOT make it any clearer. Nor will repeatedly drawing a circle around it. And don't chew the pen - we're all sharing that.
    Relatives: I don't know Uncle Magog and Auntie Syph, never met them, don't care about them, refuse to be bothered about who was their daughter's bridesmaid.
    Questions: Yes I want another drink - I always want another drink. If you wake me up at 4:37am the answer will be yes. No - I don't WANT to take the rubbish out. I will do it. I won't like doing it.
    There is doubtless more . . .

  2. I dont think ANY of those things apply to me as we dont do/partake/eat any of them!
  3. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    That was a riot! Love, love, love it.
    More please, there must be more.
    (I'd add my own but there's no way I can compete with that).
    *still laughing*
  4. I want some of that!
    Can't find an argument with any of your other points... merry Christmas, dz!
  5. ha ha ha
  6. [​IMG]

    Just in case that 'more' arrives sooner than expected.
  7. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Excellent doomzebra, truly excellent. Like a fresh script for 'Grumpy Old Christmas' but far more amusing. I'm definitely printing a copy of that to show Mrs MSB.

    The only one I could add would be Grandma insisting on playing her dog-eared 1950s version of a once-popular parlour game who's clue cards include "A wireless programme, "A well-known steam engine", "A popular beat combo" and "A virtue".
  8. Mangleworzle

    Mangleworzle Star commenter

    An excellent attempt, though maybe a little too detailed, more needless repetition required for proper ranting along with grammatically incoherent sentences.
    Agree with all but the Christmas pud which I love. I can't cope with it straight after dinner though and end up having it about 7 or 8 when we start dinner around 3 - I am the only one in our house who likes it.
    Cheese with bits - one of my all time pet hates. Does anyone like them? I imagine they sit on the side of the cheese board with everyone being encouraged to "try a bit of this" in order to get rid of the bleddy stuff.
  9. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    An excellent post, DZ. Many thanks.
  10. RJR_38

    RJR_38 New commenter

    Oh dear..... I am such the opposite to most of your Christmas bah-humbggy things!!

    My grandad has always loved nuts - as children it was the yearly competition to see if we were strong enough to crack them!!
    Not if you have a proper home-made one! Mine soak in sherry and I use lighter fruits - hot pudding and ice cream is DIVINE!!
    Again - just someone who can cook to do the dinner lol
    The gold discs keep the oldies and children quiet - essential by mid-afternoon!!
    I LOVE these cheeses - it annoys me I can;t find them the rest of the year easily
    AND Finally - Yes, I agree heheheeh
  11. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    We have one, he gets ******, calls us all c***s, makes a gropey pass at my mum(69) and falls into our garden stream on his way out. We look forward to the years he can make it. Apart from my dad who doesn't like him much.

  12. That post did make me laugh a lot doom zebra.
    I would add the expectation that you go and visit or stay with your relatives just cos it's christmas.
    Why can't I go visit them in the summer instead when it's warm, more relaxed and I don't have to travel at the busiest and coldest time of the year?
    I don't do christmas, and people can't get their heads around that unless you are from a different religion. Your rant helped remind me why!
  13. lapinrose

    lapinrose Star commenter

    I take it you don't want my recipe for Stilton and walnut biscuits then?
  14. grandelf

    grandelf New commenter

    love it, many thanks. I guess they have let you out shopping again at asda!
  15. henriette

    henriette New commenter

    Dates: I like dates and eat them all year round
    Nuts: agreed - buy the shelled ones!
    Christmas Pudding: spawn of the devil - cannot abide it
    Turkey: I've cooked it once in my life (I'm 48) - what a disappointment: we hav egoose or duck most years
    Sprouts: hate them, they don't enter my house!
    Quality Street: Waste of money - make your own sweets: itr keeps the children busy for hoiurs!
    Mulled Wine: if it were drinkable you wouldn't need to heat it! (I generally drink very cold verty dry Italian white ! [​IMG]
    53-year old singletons: Don't know any other than parents who are 80+
    Presents for middle-aged men: Buy us booze. Yup - will do
    Christmas episodes of soap operas: who watches soaps anyway?? Don't we all have more taste??
    The latest James Bond film: Daniel Craig - who????????
    Midnight Mass: what???????
    Christmas cards from people in the house: I have never sent a Christmas Card to anyone I live with - do people do this???
    Cheese and biscuits: please put out digestives to have with the Stilton - I prefer oatcakes, but the difference is negligible
    Paper hats in crackers: waste of time
    Pictionary: waste of time
    Relatives: waste of time
    Questions: Yes I want another drink - I always want another drink. If you wake me up at 4:37am the answer will be yes. No - I don't WANT to take the rubbish out. I will do it. I won't like doing it. - agreed
    I suspect we wuld share a goiod Christmas!!!

  16. >Not if you have a proper home-made one! Mine soak in sherry and I use lighter fruits - hot pudding and ice cream is DIVINE!!

    Dear Santa,
    Please bring me some new specs. I really thought this poster had written 'I use lighter fluid' to set the xmas pud on fire. I had to read it three times and clean my specs before I got it.

    At least lighter fluid would work, I suppose. [​IMG]
  17. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    I want lighter fruits - fruit that burst into flame on demand - it is what I want for Chrimbo now [​IMG]
  18. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    and pomegranate hand-grenades (for etymological as well as explosive reasons)
  19. Haha! Love it!
  20. Tee! Hee!
    I enjpyed that.

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