1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

My adult son is moving back home

Discussion in 'Personal' started by ROSIEGIRL, Apr 19, 2011.

  1. ROSIEGIRL

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    A sit down, clear- the- air and agree -the- ground -rules chat straight away? With daughter's needs for P&Q highlighted?
     
  2. Ground rules.
    Arguing with sister while she is studying - out
    Failure to help around the house - out
    Lying around in bed all day - out

    Been there RF. Only strict rules and adhering to them worked for me. He lasted 2 months before, miraculously, he found a job and moved out again.
    Your son may be an adult but in your house your rules prevail. And, try really hard not to row with him, however hard it may be. It doesn't help. I know.
     
  3. We have had one conversation

    He wanted to return to his attic room but we have made this into a study for teen ... he is going in the spare room with a lot of his furniture in the garage ... he accepted this and said that he understood Teen's need at this time

    SO that is good


    I am not sure what these should be ... we have established no smoking (of anything) in the house ... he has a key, of course ... before it was more my nagging about job searching and not staying in bed all day and not being up online all night and ... MUST remain calm

    but these are personal choices aren't they
     
  4. As you are providing him with a home (really only temporarily until new job, I hope!) then as an adult, he will have to follow your rules, whether he likes them or not.
    And as daughter is studying for her GCSEs, he will have to consider that her needs, at the moment, are paramount.
    How does your OH get on with son? Can he mediate/placate/referee the pair of you?

     
  5. How old is he now?
    Because I can envisage all this coming up again, lol xxx
     
  6. Cosmos ... thanks ... you clearly know the issues

    teen is incredibly stressed ... and therefore touchy ... eggshells are the order of the day and Big Bro is a bit teasy !!!

    I have suggested he can garden to work off some of the money he owes me ... this might be easier than helping in the house where we all have our routines sorted
     
  7. 24

    I know [​IMG]

    I had HIM at 24 *** [​IMG]
     
  8. Really well ... he is the calming influence [​IMG]
     
  9. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Cannot agree more with this one.My OH's second son moved back home (into the annexe) almost 2 years ago.
    He paid no rent.
    He ate our food, drank our booze, came and went as he so desired with not a word of where he was or when he might be back, used the washing machine and tumble drier ad infinitum, bombed the annexe (Tracey Emmin would have been sp proud!) and did nothing in return. Didn't offer to do the shopping, look after the younger ones or collect them from school, mow the lawn, feed the dog. Nothing.
    When OH finally got fed up and asked for some financial contribution (son had no job but lives off the income from his trust fund, circa £3k a month, tax free! [​IMG]) he voted with his feet and left.
    That was a year ago. He hasn't been back since.
    They're all the same. They will take something for nothing unless you make firm ground rules at the start.
    I also have older offspring, 21 and 19. They are at uni but when they come home they pay their way by helping around the house, garden and stables. They do this willingly as they appreciate the comfortable home, good food and welcome for both them and their friends when they are here. I love having them around but, and I hate to admit this, I like to get hte house back to just the two of us again!
     
  10. Think about how he's feeling, though, he's probably hating having to be reliant on you again. He is your son, think how you'd feel if he kept all his problems hidden from you and got himself into trouble. Don't be too hard on him! Best of luck with it.
     
  11. I got off lightly with my two. I know I drive my 26 year old younger son mad by being unable to reallocate him to a role that isn't "Son Of The Household" but I am his mummy and left to himself he would never spot dirt nor see any reason to remove it if he did. So I gently remind him at frequent intervals ("nag") to unload the dishwasher, wipe down, hang out the washing and cook the dinner. Which he does.
    He's dying to move out but can't get a job that pays enough. I feel sorry for him. At his age I was pregnant with him, had his older brother and a house to look after, and had had a decent job. It can't be easy being a permanent Son Of The Household.
     
  12. I have two boys in their 20s still at home.
    We do get on well though. Of course I nag occasionally, but generally, they are in their spaces, I am in mine...and they both have girlfriends so they aren't always here.
    I love them both to bits. We tend not to row...and they do tend to get away with blue murder, but...to be honest, I just can't be doing with the hassle of arguments. They help out (usually only when asked) and I get lots of hugs. Both yell "Love you!" as they leave the house. Both are soppy about the cat too and do their share of looking after him. They can drive me demented and at times I long for my own place - one that will stay clean and tidy. They leave dirty dishes inthe kitchen and need all sorts of reminders about adhering to my standards - especially in the bathrooms and kitchen.
    Oldest has just cut the lawns front and back...and done the edges. They both do their own laundry...and yes, electricity seems to be used until the early hours and at last they are into personal hygeine, so shower frequently...but they both pay their way, even though it's not very much.
    I suspect I'd miss them if they weren't around. Sadly, neither have a hope of buying their own places...and as renting costs more than they earn, even if they shared, that's out too. I escape to my man's house often, so I have a bolt-hole and it seems to work. he gets on with both too, so it works out. Having space is the answer I suspect. Good luck RF.
     
  13. His stuff is here

    He has gone out to say bye to ex-housemates

    I have made a large jug of Cosmopolitan
     
  14. Do you have to nag your other son, Lily?
    Mine are both younger, as you know, but I find I need to nag son more. Otherwise he would suffocate in his own dirt.
    Daughter is much easier to deal with.
    I am not really worried about them never finding their own place to live as rent here is cheap - I am more worried about how to afford getting them through uni. Son is still adamant and has been since he was a toddler that he wants to study medicine. I doubt that is going to change. He has it all mapped out and is even opting for Latin as a second language rather than French (his totally rational reasoning being "Mum, I can already speak English, you can teach me French, but I need good Latin to get to study medicine").
    When I try to point out that a doctor needs to have a grasp of hygiene, however, he just rolls his eyes at me.

     
  15. [​IMG]
     
  16. Give me some!!!
    No, cq, other son and his then girlfriend, who moved in with us for 18 months while he established his career (didn't do hers any harm either as it turned out), is so easy to get on with you would have to be seriously mardy to fall out with him. Gf - soon to be wife - is more highly strung but to her eternal credit made a superhuman effort to fit in and get on. I'll do a lot to avoid an atmos but my husband is immune to the concept of atmos. He says it and how you deal with it causes him not a second's discomposure. I'm used to it but I think it took her a while :)
     
  17. ah, he sounds like my ex.
    He can still wind me up and he winds daughter up too. If you think I am direct, you need to meet my ex.
    Son just shrugs his shoulders - although actually, he is a wee sensitive soul. But he agrees with Dad.
    So daughter and I just have to get along with it and sigh. And have wee gossippy conversations with each other about MEN and underpants.
     
  18. Unfortunately, Daughter, who hasn't lived her since she was 15 anyway, was an Honorary Bloke and always sided with t'menfolk.
     
  19. ah, my daughter is a wee Mammy girl. It provides us with lots of opportunities to take the p.iss out of our menfolk.
    My ex did me a favour today by driving me somewhere (he is a reliable soul) but during the whole journey he insisted on telling me that my politics are all wrong.
    When I pointed out this that and the other he said "ok, you are a bit intelligent, I'll give you that".
    Jeeeeeeeeeeeze. Ta much for the f.ecking compliment.
     
  20. At age 36, I am having to move back in with my mam this summer due to a combination of ill health and the financial implications of having to reduce my hours as a result. This of course has been a very difficult decission. I've lived on my own pretty much since starting uni and love it. On the plus side, my Mam and I get on really well and each respect each other's space. I am so grateful of her offer of support and will take over many of the bills while I am there. What is mine is hers - I've always thought this way and always will.
    I think in some ways she is looking forward to it. She found it quite difficult to adapt to living on her own and since then has spoken to me on the phone daily. Thanks to illness, I don't have a much of a social life so spent increasing amounts of time on my own, so I think it will be a good thing for me in this respect too. My mam is definitely my best friend and I would never take advantage of her generosity in offering me this lifelife.
     

Share This Page