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Moving out - depressed

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by phlogiston, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    Sometimes you have to try things out before you know whether you really want to do them. Most of us have cupboards full of things we "really wanted" and then didn't use. It sounds as if the house might be like that.
    As people have suggested, don't cut off from your parents, but ease yourself into the independent living.
    Don't worry about "normal for 26". You would find a wide range of domestic arrangements if you were to visit every 26 year old in the country. You are you and need to find what suits you now. In 5 years time - you will probably be living differently.
    There are good things about living on your own - I loved it for a number of years, but it doesn't suit everyone, and Mrs P's nearly got me trained to domesticity and family life now.
    I would urge you to do things with other people - doesn't matter whether it's sport, politics, arty stuff, darts, reading circles, yoga, church or conservation but mix with other people who are not tied to you by work and who may lead to friendship through shared interest. It does wonders for brain hygiene.
    Singing keeps me sane!
    Best wishes,
    P
     
  2. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    I think you should get some counselling. Losing weight and having your hair fall out as a reaction to what you perceive to be a stressful time is not 'normal'. Life is rarely ever the same and full of changes and CBT could be one way of dealing with it.
     
  3. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    Do you find the evenings drag? I find watching lots of funny DVDs like Friends helps x
     
  4. littleredbird

    littleredbird New commenter

    I can really sympathise with you, I went through a very similar thing (including hair loss!), although I was moving in with a partner. I felt really uncomfortable in my 'new reality' that was suddenly so different from what I'd known my whole life, e.g. my childhood home, family routines etc. I really missed being able to just go and have a chat with my mum in th lounge or doing things together. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it, and there's still times I feel nostalgic about the way things were, but the way I coped was by telling myself that life does move on and evolve and this was just a part of it. Looking towards the future, I knew I would have to stand on my own two feet eventually and it would be better to do it now, then wait until I lost a parent.
    I agree that it sounds as if counselling would benefit you. Has there been an event in your life that has made you frightened of being separated from your family? It's something that was an issue for me, and it helped to consider where this fear stemmed from.
     
  5. Ok so I am still hating it, in fact haven't been there for a week now - was meant to go back to sleep last night but had a major freak out and didn't. Have decided to stay at home for a bit and then try again when I am in a better place. Problem is that I don't want to be there but constantly feel like I should. Should as in I shouldn't be living at home still and should be using the house and not giving up so easily but when I am constantly thinking about it, worrying and making myself ill I just think what is the point. My parents have said to move back home for a while or even permanently which I so badly want to do but feel that I shouldn't.Wish I could stop myself thinking and over thinking everything! Any tips for making it easier, I am going to try again on Friday having parents over to watch a film and then going to sleep rather than staying at home and then going back to sleep there, problem is I don't want to stay there so it all seems a bit pointless as I might as well just admit that but then in the back of my mind I think I should try another night/day/week so on. Sorry for the long and probably unreadable post, just asking for any advice really.
     
  6. Spanakopita

    Spanakopita New commenter

    I think you should stop tormenting yourself and should allow yourself to stay with your parents without feeling guilty. It sounds to me as if you could do with some counselling to help you to see what is worrying you. Relax and don't wrestle with making yourself go back to the rented place until you have got yourself sorted out. Good luck.
     
  7. Just a quick update - having tried to stay over night again and trying to spend longer at the house I finally admitted that I just don't want to live there, have been to the agent today and explained, they were really good about it and will ask for early release from the tenancy, so I pay until someone else moves in which is fine at least something is being done now. I still feel a complete failure for having to do this but finally went with what I wanted to do and how I felt in my heart rather than what I felt I should be doing which was just making me depressed and ill. Probably won't tell other people at work though, don't want everyone thinking of me as incapable of looking after myself and living away from my parents.
     
  8. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    Which is why I think counselling is such a good idea, so she can be happy!!
     
  9. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    As a Mum I would be quite worried about my girls if they felt unable to move out and live independently. I think Panda is probably doing the right thing right now but need need to find some way in which she will feel confident to take that step into the adult world eventually. Maybe counselling would help her but I wouldn't know as that is outside of my experience. The ideal situation may be to have another friend who also wants to move out and go for it together although, again, dependency could develop without investigating the deeper issues.
     
  10. Thanks for the mixed messages. I have looked into counseling and may well do that but for the moment I just don't want to live alone, nothing to do with 'taking a step into the adult world' as I can look after myself I just don't want to be doing it all alone, at least I know that now.
     
  11. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    Well I may have completely the wrong message from this thread.... but I totally saw it as not wanting to live on your own (which seems quite rational and reasonable), rather than not being able to "take a step into the adult world" - which to me, seems rather a patronising spin on things.
     
  12. That's what it was about, I already feel like a complete failure without people telling me I will eventually have to take a step into the adult world. I know I will have to leave home sometime and this was the perfect opportunity so I am beating myself up constantly already about it but have told the agents now so no going back, maybe I have made yet another huge mistake I don't know, maybe I should have stuck it out and got used to it but I just don't want to.
     
  13. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    Most people do but it isn't compulsory. 'Home' is where you decide it is, where you feel comfortable and relaxed.
    Life is too short.
    Well done.
    Well don't.
    take no notice.
    Have a hug! (((Panda)))
     
  14. Thanks :) Just feeling down about everything at the moment.
     
  15. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    Oops sorry panda, it was not my intention to upset you. I was just observing that I would personally be worried about my daughters. But, thinking back you do have some health issues in which case I would possibly be more glad they were still at home. It is about whatever works for you and your family isn't it, not strangers on a forum. You hit the nail on the heads when you said you know you CAN live alone if necessary but you CHOOSE not to. That is fine isn't it? Hope the move back is good for you and you ignore anything else inane I may have said x
     
  16. PP I hope things are going to settle down for you now and the stress and worry has gone. Life is too short to be this worried and stressed.
     
  17. Wish it had, seems to have just my brain off though. Keep doubting what I have done, feel like a complete failure for living at home but at the same time I don't want to live there on my own plus now if I do try and like it what am I meant to say to the landlord who has already re-advertised (although won't get anyone before Christmas). I feel so useless and depressed even though I thought I had made my decision! Have contacted a local counsellor though, hoping if I can work out why I feel so bad I won't feel as stuck as I do now as I feel like I am going to be living at home in my tiny room forever. Thanks for putting up with my moaning and constant changing of mind - just wish I could decide something and then stick 100% with it without thinking about it constantly. Oh and sleep would be good!
     
  18. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    Glad that you're going to see a counsellor. It is important to be happy with whatever decision you make.
     
  19. Does anyone have experience of seeing a counsellor? I am going to book an appointment for next week but am unsure about actually meeting and talking to someone I don't know, think I might clam up and make it sound not as bad as it is, plus not sure what I want to get out of it. What actually happens? Can you put my mind at rest? Also if I go once and decide no it isn't going to work (as in it makes it worse talking to a stranger) can you cancel/ do you have to go to all appointments? Again probably worrying over nothing
     
  20. Hi! I saw a counsellor a few months ago due to workplace stress. I had some of the some worries as you as I knew that my issues were due to the job and talking about how bad I felt at work made me feel worse. I was also concerned that he would put the issues down to my childhood etc (when I knew my problems were to do with the job) and I would feel patronised (because I'm a Psychology Teacher, so knew what my symptoms were about and what different therapies involved) but it was absolutely brilliant!

    First off, each counsellor takes a different approach depending on what your problems are and how you are as a person. Mine instantly realised that my problems were due to the job, so his emphasis was on asking questions which would let me work stuff out for myself.

    Secondly, he never judged me or put me under pressure at any time. E.g. Family and friends are great but they don't listen in the same way as he did. Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to get involved with people's problems, so we spend a lot of time saying stuff like, you should have done this or that or said this or that or you need to do this or that. Yes, I do, but when I was ill, the feeling of knowing what I 'should' do or didn't do differently, didn't help! What I needed was for someone to listen and help me challenge the feelings myself, so that I could straighten my head out and challenge my thoughts! That's exactly what he did. So, what happened?

    In my first session, he asked me general questions about how I was, why I was there (as in the situation. I wrote my symptoms etc down, as talking about them made me upset at the time, so I just handed a copy to him) and what I wanted help with. After that, he asked me open ended questions about my situation and certain beliefs I had which really made me think (but were not pressurising). E.g. How do you feel when x happens? At the end, he asked if I wanted to see him again (of course, I did!), gave me some relevant handouts and worksheets about stuff for me to do at home (He'd chosen the cognitive-behavioural approach) and then explained what we'd be focussing on in the next sessions (I got 4 on the NHS). We then fixed a time and date for the next session.

    The other sessions followed this pattern, except that in 1 he showed me a relaxation technique to use if I needed it. He also gave me info about other services available to me if I needed them.

    NB. I was under NO pressure to talk about any subjects that I didn't want to at ANY time!

    In answer to your questions, yes, once I arranged them I was expected to attend all appointments (because there was a long waiting list and by leaving him high and dry, i would have been denying an opportunity for someone else to benefit from seeing him) BUT at every session, I was also given the opportunity to say whether I wished to continue with the counselling or not, so I also had the right to cancel if I wished.

    By the way, you're not worrying over nothing! You're thinking about your health which is a good thing! If I knew for sure that you lived in my area and were seeing my counsellor, I'd definitely say it's worth seeing him and continuing to see him, but I don't know and won't ask! ;-) What I can say though that I got the distinct impression my counsellor was following guidelines that all of the NHS counsellors had to follow, so everyone should have got the same level of care. That said, every counsellor and patient is different and you may get on better with one counsellor more than another (I was lucky enough to be allocated to one who suited me), but you won't know this unless you try, so I'd suggest the approach that I took, go to the first appointment and see what you think. If you're not happy, do something at the end of the session.

    Hope this post helps and good luck!
     

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