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Discussion in 'Personal' started by giraffe, Mar 15, 2011.
Yup, mine was. Her ashes were buried today.
I miss her. She understood me through and through. And when I was talking a load of tosh, she'd say "This is going to take a while, I'll put the kettle on".
But your post made me smile - not cry
Aww CQ I really feel for you. I can't imagine life without my mum (or both my parents really) we speak all the time so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Big hugs am thinking of you.
Sorry you've had a crppy day florapost but as D:Ream said - things can only get better! xx
Sorry about CQ's loss, but re the thread:
I was not so sad when my mother died (she paranoid schitzophrenic).
She mussed up a few, having had five kids, and then some.
What I realise being a mum myself, is that nothing you do will ever be right, but to nick a term, being "good enough" is OK.
I fell out with my elder daughter at Christmas ( little *****, wanted me to buy her a washing machine), after her £300 presents. I said noo.
She has now deigned to talk to me ( pls buy me this hair dye) after three months.
There is nothing as shallow as a daughter, but the richness of motherhood, however faulty, is a time breaking thing, even if they are as batty as hell. And so much for a full moon!
good god. if i behaved like that to my mother i'd have had my ears roundly boxed.
Don't you think that is generalising a bit?
I would never have expected my mother to just buy me a washing machine (although she did, after I got divorced, mine died and she got on a plane, came over and had a look around my flat and sorted me out).
I was totally humbled (and also a bit stubborn and kept telling her I could manage on my own - well, ha bloody ha ha, I could but I was grateful for her help - and I will never, ever forget how she helped me out when times were hard. I would never, ever have expected her to help me out otherwise. I moved out at 18, paid for my own life and paid board and lodging when home as a student and up until the day I was on my own with two kids, I took not a penny from her.
I certainly don't think my mother would have used the word shallow to describe me. Ever.
And I certainly hope that I will never use that word to describe my own daughter.
Like CQ I would never have expected my mum to buy me anything once I had left home.
However having 2 teenage daughters of my own I would do whatever I had to in order to make sure that they always knew that they could rely on me.
I lost my mum in the 1980's long before I had any of my children and how I wish, to this day, that she was still alive with me just now.
In the grand scheme of things it is a washing machine!!!!!!!!!!!
If needs must assure your daughter that you love her but that you want her to recognise and realise that she has to take responsibility for her chosen lifestyle.
Just appreciate her while you still have her.
I could use many words to describe my dear daughter, but shallow would never be one of them.
My Mum didn't have much wealth but we were rich in that she loved us dearly, counselled us wisely and brought us up to appreciate things that mattered. She was also good humoured, even tempered and funny. She always looked on the bright side and never said a bad word about anyone. She was my rock but I don't think I realised it when she was alive. I am in my fifties and have been without my Mum for ten years. The hole that she left in my life/heart when she died seems to gape even wider as each year passes.
I don't think you ever grow too old to still have the need of a chat with your Mum. Cherish them while you have them.
Regardless of all the "hassle" that they cause - I totally agree with Arched Eyebrow - everyone still needs their mum!
My own children know that my mum died before their were born BUT they know how much I still miss her (my mum died 1980's) - my children (now young adults) know that I love them regardless of the stress and worry that they give me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simply not true
I think everyone needs a shoulder and someone to confide in, but for me, it would never be my Mum!
Some people weren't lucky enough to have their mum bringing them up - like me, for instance. I was, to all intents and purposes, motherless from the age of 2 and have no real concept of what it is to be able to lean on my mum.
My mum and I get on fine but we can't pretend that it's a normal relationship, we simply don't have the history there.
So, I don't <u>need</u> my mum but I'd love to experience that feeling just the once.
Not everyone has the luxury of a fluffy, caring relationship with their mother. Mine very much fits the descriptions online of a narcisist... very manipulative, very very critical, very controlling - I never ring her if I'm upset because I won't get sympathy or consolation, I'll just get criticism and things twisted to how much of a failure I am in my life. I talk more openly to my mother-in-law than my own mother to be honest.
It's just her way - in my family's eyes I AM a disappointment, I didn't follow the career path they had planned out for me, and my body won't produce the expected grandchildren... plus I make a lousy cup of tea. My family forgive many many sins - as long as you produce the cute baby and a nice cuppa (not via the same bodily orifice obviously).
Not everyone has a family full of sunshine and rainbows. I make the effort (my mother NEVER calls or emails me - I'm expected to call her, yet if I call just for a chat, without a reason for calling - I get wrong for that), I keep the lines of communication open - but I keep my own counsel on most things because emotionally it's safer for me than risking a barrage of my mother at her worst.
It's just the cycle in my family - manipulative, often emotionally brutal mother, produces the same... perhaps it's a blessing that my body sees fit to break the line of doom.
My mother is the archetypal dotty old lady - she's at the point where she just doesn't care what anyone thinks any more. Which is nice, but means she's somewhat blunter than she used to be, which although it can be very interesting when she's blunt about others, it's less so when it's about me!
However. I have never leant on her emotionally, financially or in any other way, and wouldn't know where to begin...
She's not nasty, stand-offish or anything like that - I just think her sons were raised to be stiff upper-lipped emotionally repressed old-fashioned types.
With the greatest of respect to everyone who replied - I "lost my mum" when I was 11 years old to a horrendous illness however she did not die until I was 25. She spent all these years in and out out of hospital in a gereatic unit (aged 47 at the time because there was no-where else "to put her!") I have never experienced the "mumsy things" that my friends did/do however I do now with my children. I adored my mum as did my father, who did not expect to be left with a young family of 6 to raise as well as a disabled, bed-ridden wife to look after (aged 9 to 19.) I did not have a "fluffy up-bringing" however what I have done, now that I am the same age that my mother was, is volunteer to help other families with "young carers!"
It is only a washing machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Elle, I hope my post didn't offend also, as that was not my intention. I was merely saying that, although different circumstances, I didn't have that closeness and trust as my friends had. I would have loved and still would, to have that bond where I can talk my heart out, but can not. So everything I have gets kept for me, bottled and put away . I too am trying to be different for my children. Best wishes. Fig
I don't think my mother and I had a fluffy relationship - far from it. We battled lots.
But it was a solid relationship, on the whole, dependable and I am glad we had it. Although both of us only realised this when I was in my 30s.
With all respect to those of you who did not have a close relationship with their mother - please don't fall into the trap of thinking that it cannot happen, and please don't envy me mine.
I was lucky - but I also grew up without a father. I was then again lucky in that my mother chose a partner who I now consider my father, but that was a long process.
I did not have a fluffy childhood or young adulthood in anyway - I appreciated later what I had, for what it was.
And I pass on to my children what I now appreciate - and also what I never, ever had. Such as cuddles.