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Mother in law from hell!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by nikkib_1986, Jul 28, 2011.

  1. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    Hi all
    I suppose I'm looking for some advice/sympathy!
    To cut a long story short my future mother in law has moved in with myself and my fiance supposedly for the short term. She moved out of the country and gave up her council house. She then decided she didn't want to live abroad so has moved in with us. She has no money or savings and obviously nowhere to live.
    While I'm happy to put her up for the short term she seems to be getting too settled. She has made no effort to look for her own place to live and hasn't started looking for a job. I have organised a meeting with the job centre to try and get her some money sorted as she had no intention of doing this.
    I am the main breadwinner as my fiance works part time whilst completing his masters. I am angry that he moved her in without consulting me and is expecting me to pay for her while she lives here. I simply cannot afford to do this!
    I'm really worried that her being here will affect my relationship!
    What should I do?
     
  2. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    Hi all
    I suppose I'm looking for some advice/sympathy!
    To cut a long story short my future mother in law has moved in with myself and my fiance supposedly for the short term. She moved out of the country and gave up her council house. She then decided she didn't want to live abroad so has moved in with us. She has no money or savings and obviously nowhere to live.
    While I'm happy to put her up for the short term she seems to be getting too settled. She has made no effort to look for her own place to live and hasn't started looking for a job. I have organised a meeting with the job centre to try and get her some money sorted as she had no intention of doing this.
    I am the main breadwinner as my fiance works part time whilst completing his masters. I am angry that he moved her in without consulting me and is expecting me to pay for her while she lives here. I simply cannot afford to do this!
    I'm really worried that her being here will affect my relationship!
    What should I do?
     
  3. Family conference.
    Make clear this is a short term arrangement, she must be actively trying to find a place of her own and a job and must sort out her benefits in the mean time to pay her way.
    This needs to be done calmly and in a friendly manner, however if fiance objects he can either dump his Masters and get a job or you may have to think about your long term relationship.
    You could just ignore it but it will drive you nuts and end up in very undignified explosion.
    Your the one bringing home the bread, you need to explian the cut is getting thin.
    Good Luck with it.
     
  4. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    Thanks for your reply!
    This seems like a good idea. I know if I keep it bottled up then I will just snap. My fiance is the type to avoid confrontation so will have to speak to his mum directly I think.
    Hoping to get this settled soon so that I can enoy my holidays.
     
  5. Wouldn't you be better speaking to your fiance first? Did he lay down any ground rules for her or say she could stay as long as she likes, rent-free? It seems a very strange thing to organise this without consulting you.
     
  6. You may wish to consider very carefully how you approach this...
    My experience of males and their mums is that they are either VERY closely bonded or totally apathetic...
    He sounds as though he has a strong bond. If you start suggesting she needs to move on ASAP you need to be aware he may see you in a different light and this could be the beginning of the end of your relationship!
    Certainly a fair number of the males in our friendship group who appear so modern/independent would EXPECT their partner to be as accommodating - potentially long-term - with their parents. The fact that you state he didn't share this situation with you, makes me think he assumed you were both singing from the same page or else his bond is one that you should have realised this is what he would have done.
    On the flip side, this may be time to consider how you would feel if you continued the relationship, maybe she moves out but what if in ten years she needs to be living with others and he moves her in permanently until the end of her days. How would you feel about this?
     
  7. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Ah, so he's the type that apparently doesn't like confrontation but he quite blithely did this? Is he so used to getting his own way that he just does what he wants without a thought for others?
    Moved a third person into your relationship and home without as much as a discussion. Mind boggling! I think you've got two rather large problems to deal with
    • tackling his behaviour and casual expectations (are you just a bit-part player on the sidelines to his big drama?)
    • doing as the previous poster said, family conference, lay down the ground rules;
    Btw, his mother can easily present as homeless and she'll get benefits and be given a temporary flat in jig time. Sounds like she is just angling to be looked after permanently by two live in carers.
     
  8. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    I don't want to paint my fiance in a bad light at all! He is a loving person and just wants the best for everyone. Unfortunately we don't agree on this subject. I think he asumed that I'd be ok with her moving in. His arguement was that she needs to get back on her feet and financially stable, however I just don't think this will happen with the attitude that she has.
    I have been on the phone this morning to some housing association companies trying to get her something sorted but all they have done is put her on a waiting list (yes you'll notice that it was me that did it and not her!).
    I just feel like I don't have the freedom to do what I want. I had som much stuff planned for this holiday. Just relaxing on my own and with friends (as my finacee is working full time throughout the hols). Now I just feel like all my plans have to accomodate her into them.
    I'm hoping to get something sorted for her soon and have stated that technically she is homeless. I'm also worried becuase we are currently renting and are due a flat inspection in the next couple of weeks. It is against our tenancy agreement to have someone else living with us!
    Oh well I guess the stress will kill me soon enough then fiance and mum can live together happily [​IMG]
     
  9. Or him!!
    Having someone to stay for just a weekend is a big undertaking without being consulted. If he wants the best for everyone he certainly isn't going the right way about it as far as your best is concerned, is he?
    I can see that this is an unusual situation and no one is saying to you that you need to ditch him but really it seems to me that he needs to sort this one out pdq.
     
  10. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    I think I've taken the bull by the horns as presumably I have nothing to do for the next 6 weeks (if only!) and he is working full time. I think we do all need to have a sit down and talk about this otherwise I can see a messy ending.
     
  11. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    Arrrgh!!!! I've just seen that she has drunk a bottle of <u>MY</u> wine while I was at the cinema last night!
    Now it's getting f***ing personal! [​IMG]
     
  12. marlin

    marlin Star commenter Forum guide

    I trhink you are in a very strong position because of your tenancy agreement.
    I'd take her to Citizens Advice - she is homeless - you can't have her live with you because of your tenancy agreement - what are her options?
    So sorry about the wine ......[​IMG]
     
  13. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    I think that may have to be the option. Hopefully they will be able to find something for her because I am having no luck!
    Just want to point out that I'm not an alcoholic/ materialistic person but the wine was one of my leaving presents from a school where I have been doing a couple of days maternity cover.
     
  14. marlin

    marlin Star commenter Forum guide

    You don't need to explain - we understand [​IMG]
     
  15. Re the wine - I promise I feel your pain but it really made me laugh. Sorry.[​IMG]
     
  16. nikkib_1986

    nikkib_1986 New commenter

    It's always gonna get personal if someone drinks my wine lol
     
  17. I can totally sympathise with your situation although in my case it has been both my dad and mum stay with us! My mum once came just to stay for a couple of weeks and three months later was still there! Finally she made the decision to go back to live with her mother to help 'look after' her. My dad has always presumed that since I needed emergency accommodation a couple of years ago and stayed for two years that my now flat, that I share with my fiance, is his holiday home to come and go to as he pleases. I AM SO FED UP OF MY PARENTS!! It is such a horrible position to be in and as other posters have said you just need to get all together with solutions, not problems. A nice dinner, a bottle of wine (preferably that you have asked her to go and get!!) and a chat about what can be done short term and where to go long term. Really feel for you cos it is bad enough with my own parents let alone my mother in law!! Big hugs x
     
  18. nikkib_1986
    I'd have killed her for the wine. The problem as I see it is that it IS personal but that is going to put a strain onyour relationship with her and yourOH.

    I think the best way to approach this is the tenancy agreement. I agree with the poster who mentioned a family confrerence.
    You need to speak to OH first so it is 2:1 - decide what your positin isand explain to your husband how upset you were when you discovered she had disposed of a present of yours.
    Sit down, get the tenancy out and explain that is she is there when the inspection takes place all three of you will be homeless.

    Write an agreement of what she will do to find a home and a job.
    From the point of view of a housing associatin or the council she is not homeless, she is adequatlyhomed - yes I know your tennancy does not allow her to be there but the council lists are another thing.

    Make life difficult for her, take away her key and throw her out of the house at 10am, allow her back at 5pm - it's your holiday and you have plans that involve needing the house, as you are a teacher you cannot change it.
    If she wants hot water or food she pays for it. She also pays for laundry, or she takes it to her local laundry.

    At the moment she has it cushy - make it uncomfortable and she will think about getting her own place.

    Maybe one of your plans for the summer was to decorate her room - so you need to move the furniture and put it under dustsheets in the centre of the room - she will have to sleep on the sofa for a week.

    Then strip the wallpaper but don't start to put new paper back for a few weeks.

    Yes I know - I'm evil


     
  19. Sorry I had only read half the thread - take this money, it is your fiance's father helping his son out.

    She is entitlted to Income support - as long as she has been in an EU country - she has to prove that she is ordinarily resifent. My current housemate had this problem when he came back from travelling the world, but he got IS and then in a couple of weeks JSA and housing benefit.

     
  20. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    I can't believe you'd even consider treating someone who was family, and older, in this way. No matter how feckless she's been she is still the op's partner's mother, not some stranger...even then. To the op - do the practical stuff to help her get on her feet, you don't need to be vindictive.
    And what is it with everyone getting hysterical about the wine?
     

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