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Mixed race relationship - stressed out!

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by dimple7, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. So, here's the deal. I am 30 years old, have my own place and have a good career (teacher!)
    I am also an Indian girl and have been going out with my White boyfriend for a little over 2 years.
    When I first told my parents, they were not over the moon about it but eventually came round and they were fine. In fact, in true Indian style, they were eager to get us married! But I told them to leave me alone and they did. Every now and again when I would go round to my parent's house to visit, they would ask when we were getting married etc... but I always told them the same thing - when we were ready. I had to constantly tell them to stop pressurising me, as I was then relaying this pressure onto my boyfriend and it was putting a strain onto my relationship (my boyfriend is very strong willed and he will do what he wants, when he wants. He will not be pressurised into something by anyone).

    Since the new year started (and I hit the two year mark with my boyfriend) my parents have backtracked and now insist that I split with him. They insist that because he hasn't proposed to me, he must just be in it for "fun" and he is stringing me along and will never commit. In fact, he is probably cheating on me etc... They are constantly filling my head with doubts and it is just not fair. (They have met him before on several occasions, so it's not like they know nothing about him)
    What's even funnier, is that they went to see a psychic who told them that my relationship would not last! They said that if I wanted to continue seeing him, it was up to me, but don't come crying when it all goes pear shaped. Also, if I do continue seeing him, they want nothing to do with him at all. They don't want to hear his name. In fact, they even told me that they wouldn't pay for my wedding to him!

    My boyfriend does not live with me (that would just kill my parents... stupid, I know as I am an adult!) but he does occasionally stay round. Even this is something I have to keep from my parents as they are very against any kind of "pre-marital activity" For example, my boyfriend took me away for Valentines and my parents said I wasn't allowed to go! Of course, I did anyway. But I think they have their suspicions that he is living with me/stays with me and I think they secretly do "spot checks" at my flat when I'm away to check for any evidence. I am 30 years old... not 12!!

    You're probably wondering what my boyfriend is like... well he is a lovely man. He has a career (his own business) and works incredibly hard. he is kind, takes me out, treats me etc etc... he is a very good man. He is being sensible and responsible by saving money so we can buy our own place together to live after we get married.

    The ironic thing is, my boyfriend asked me for my parents number (obviously to talk to them about us getting married/ask for permission) but I am so worried that my parents are going to respond in a negative manner.
    After seeking advice from various people, I think I have to be strong and say to my parents that I have decided to get married an they are just going to have to deal with it and support me. Worse case scenario... they will refuse and disown me but I am an independent woman so will be ok. Of course, it will kill me, but realistically, I think I may encounter resistance at first but they should come round (I am not the first person in my family to marry a White person, by the way)

    I just feel so bad for my boyfriend. His family are wonderful... ever so caring and have welcomed me with open arms. In comparison, my family have been a complete flop. They disappoint me.

    This whole situation is really stressing me out. Obviously work is manic (as always) and now all this. Constantly watching, waiting to see if the parents "pop over" It's horrendous. To the point where I now now physical symptoms of stress - twitchy eye, heart burn and anxiety attacks.

    OK... story over. Can anyone offer me any advice?

    Thanks
     
  2. So, here's the deal. I am 30 years old, have my own place and have a good career (teacher!)
    I am also an Indian girl and have been going out with my White boyfriend for a little over 2 years.
    When I first told my parents, they were not over the moon about it but eventually came round and they were fine. In fact, in true Indian style, they were eager to get us married! But I told them to leave me alone and they did. Every now and again when I would go round to my parent's house to visit, they would ask when we were getting married etc... but I always told them the same thing - when we were ready. I had to constantly tell them to stop pressurising me, as I was then relaying this pressure onto my boyfriend and it was putting a strain onto my relationship (my boyfriend is very strong willed and he will do what he wants, when he wants. He will not be pressurised into something by anyone).

    Since the new year started (and I hit the two year mark with my boyfriend) my parents have backtracked and now insist that I split with him. They insist that because he hasn't proposed to me, he must just be in it for "fun" and he is stringing me along and will never commit. In fact, he is probably cheating on me etc... They are constantly filling my head with doubts and it is just not fair. (They have met him before on several occasions, so it's not like they know nothing about him)
    What's even funnier, is that they went to see a psychic who told them that my relationship would not last! They said that if I wanted to continue seeing him, it was up to me, but don't come crying when it all goes pear shaped. Also, if I do continue seeing him, they want nothing to do with him at all. They don't want to hear his name. In fact, they even told me that they wouldn't pay for my wedding to him!

    My boyfriend does not live with me (that would just kill my parents... stupid, I know as I am an adult!) but he does occasionally stay round. Even this is something I have to keep from my parents as they are very against any kind of "pre-marital activity" For example, my boyfriend took me away for Valentines and my parents said I wasn't allowed to go! Of course, I did anyway. But I think they have their suspicions that he is living with me/stays with me and I think they secretly do "spot checks" at my flat when I'm away to check for any evidence. I am 30 years old... not 12!!

    You're probably wondering what my boyfriend is like... well he is a lovely man. He has a career (his own business) and works incredibly hard. he is kind, takes me out, treats me etc etc... he is a very good man. He is being sensible and responsible by saving money so we can buy our own place together to live after we get married.

    The ironic thing is, my boyfriend asked me for my parents number (obviously to talk to them about us getting married/ask for permission) but I am so worried that my parents are going to respond in a negative manner.
    After seeking advice from various people, I think I have to be strong and say to my parents that I have decided to get married an they are just going to have to deal with it and support me. Worse case scenario... they will refuse and disown me but I am an independent woman so will be ok. Of course, it will kill me, but realistically, I think I may encounter resistance at first but they should come round (I am not the first person in my family to marry a White person, by the way)

    I just feel so bad for my boyfriend. His family are wonderful... ever so caring and have welcomed me with open arms. In comparison, my family have been a complete flop. They disappoint me.

    This whole situation is really stressing me out. Obviously work is manic (as always) and now all this. Constantly watching, waiting to see if the parents "pop over" It's horrendous. To the point where I now now physical symptoms of stress - twitchy eye, heart burn and anxiety attacks.

    OK... story over. Can anyone offer me any advice?

    Thanks
     
  3. I feel for you. I am of white British descent, but I also have a very strong-willed parent who interferes in and with most aspects of my life even now I'm 30 and married and haven't lived at home for over a decade. Years of submitting to a dominant character wear you down. Also, I love my parents and don't want to lose touch with them but sometimes, I do wonder if it would be easier.
    My only advice could be to discuss things with your parents openly and explain to them about the ways of the Western world and how this differs from the culture they are used to. It's hard, isn't it? Do you have a relative or friend they respect who would explain your side of things a bit more?
    I am sorry you're going through this.
     
  4. I am planning to sit and talk to my parents properly - I want to stop with all this sneaking around, which I shouldn't have to do at my age. Especially as I am constantly worrying that I will be 'caught out' by them. I have spoken to family members (mainly cousins who I can 'talk to') and they have all given me the same advice - that I should talk to them. As for actually them speaking to my parents directly, my parents would react very badly. They would feel shamed that other people (even if it is extended family) know about the situation. My parents are very close knit and do not like their dirty laundry being aired, which is how they will see it.


    I have lots of work to do over the half term and have a few busy weeks ahead, but will go to see my parents as soon as I can and will speak to them. Will keep you updated!

    Thanks for your kind words, Catherine.
     
  5. baileysonice

    baileysonice New commenter

    I know how tricky mixed race marriages can be - my husband is of Asian descent and I'm white British. My mother in law was very hostile towards me at the start of our relationship (not helped by the fact that I'm 5 years older than her son and had been married previously with a toddler daughter!). Over the years she has been very difficult and has tried to sabotage happy occasions (our wedding, birth of our son, Christmas days etc...)

    My husband has effectively had to choose between his mother and our family, as her demands for emotional and financial support became too much on top of his demanding job and our hefty mortgage etc. I feel sorry for both my husband and my mother in law - I think the cultural differences between their country of birth and the UK have been the biggest hurdle. Since we've seen less of her things have become easier at home.

    I hope you can resolve this issue with your parents without having to cut them out of your life. Trying to please everyone is not easy and you can end up pretty miserable stuck in the middle.
     

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