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Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by biodust, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. Hello,

    6 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 17+1. I am only just starting to feel slightly like I can cope again, even then it's because i have to for my little boy (nearly 2). I've found that most of my friends and family have been really uncomfortable talking about it, even though I've said that I want to. I was hoping that posting on here people who have been through a miscarriage could talk/get support off one another and maybe start to emotionally recover.

    Any replies welcome x

    ROSIEGIRL Lead commenter

    Big hug to you biodust.
    I just wonder what sort of support you've had from the doctors - have you been able to ask questions? I had a miscarriage years ago and at a much earlier stage than you. I think everyone recovers in their own way and their own time - some bounce back really quickly and get on with trying for another baby virtually straight away, while others take longer. There's no right or wrong.
    I found it a real blow to my confidence - it was my first pregnancy - and it took me about a year to stop churning it over in my mind and feel ready to move on. We treated ourselves to a special holiday, so that we felt something good had come from the disappointment. And luckily I went on to have 3 lovely children.
    Have you looked at the Misscarriage Association website? It might help a bit -
    Also, could you talk to your Health Visitor? She might know of a support group locally.
    I hope you can talk to your partner and family and friends - they will feel a bit lost about how to help so keep telling them what you need.
    And take care of yourself - it's a horrible thing to go through, so be kind to yourself.
    Best wishes

  3. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh biodust, really feel for you!
    I had a miscarriage 25 years ago and sometimes I still feel sad for the missing sibling for my children.As a family we often talk about the 'missing' baby brother or sister.
    It's good you have your little boy to distract your thoughts, but do take time to talk with your husband/partner, if the opportunity arises -men grieve too.Your family and friends probably don't want to upset you or don't want to come out with platitudes.
    Take your time to grieve in your quiet moments- he/she was your child after all and would have played an important role in your family.
  4. Beb

    Beb New commenter


    Just wanted to send you hugs, I feel for you, I had a miscarriage 25 years ago at 16 wks, I know how you feel, my husband found it very difficult to talk about to me and threw himself into work, the rest of my family also found it difficult my dad had no words just very welcome hugs and tears - my mum would let me talk,cry and tried to understand,

    Inlaws never have really acknowledged it.

    I can still remember finding myself in the middle of the high street with a shopping basket on my arm of unpaid shopping having no idea where it had come from, I worked it out and duly returned to my local boots.

    I know you dont believe it now but it will get better, take things in your own time and look after yourself.
  5. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    I have had 3 miscarriages - 1 at 5 weeks, 1 at 9 weeks and 1 at 14 weeks.
    17 + weeks is a very difficult time to have a miscarriage, and I am sure it has been very hard for you.

    I found I wanted to talk about the miscarriages, and I think maybe people did find it awkward, but I didn't care. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had started to think about my baby and make plans in my head, and that is absolutely normal. Even with the first 1 at 5 weeks, I felt the loss, and it was important to me. I wanted people to know how I was feeling, and I didn't want to have to hide how I felt.
    After the miscarriage I had at 9 weeks, I remember being involved in a conversation with some colleagues about the early symptoms of pregnancy. I can remember the silence when I said something like, "I had that when I was pregnant............". I can remember saying to them all, that there was no need for awkward silences. I had been pregnant, and now I wasn't, but it didn't mean I couldn't share the experiences of being pregnant, even it was only for 9 weeks.
    I have 2 daughters now. The eldest came between the 2nd and 3rd miscarriage. I never talk about her pregnancy as my first pregnancy - it wasn't, it was my 3rd.
    I had my 14 week miscarriage when she was just 13 months old (my 4th pregnancy). I had been in hospital with hyperemesis gravidarum (as I had been with her and her sister after that). I missed her first birthday, which was very sad then and still is now.
    When I talk about my pregnancy with my youngest, I always talk about it being my fifth pregnancy.
    On the 5th November it will be 12 years since that last miscarriage, and I will still feel sad on that day.
    I have never been uncomfortable talking about it, and still do talk about it. I think people eventually began to realise, it was something I needed to talk about.
    My mum and dad had been fortunate enough never to have gone through the experience themselves, and I know that they were devastated by it happening to me, for me more than the loss of the babies probably. I think both of them saw miscarriage in a very different light after that. My mum would have been the type to dismiss it and say it was meant to be, or it wasn't a baby yet, but going through it as my mother, she saw it from a completely different perspective.
    The sense of loss can be immense, and I genuinely do believe it is something that people who have not been through it, don't always understand.
    Just take one day at a time, and don't be hard on yourself. It takes time xx

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