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Maths Jokes

Discussion in 'Mathematics' started by debecca, Mar 6, 2003.

  1. HOw many numerical analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

    0.99987 after four iterations.

    I'll get me coat.
  2. Interesting, the original Abelian grape joke I'd heard was: "What's green and commutes?" Weird.

    I can't believe no-one's posted this one, this is my favourite...

    Sin y, tan z and e^x go to a party. Sin and tan are having a great time, dancing and drinking with all the other hyperbolic functions. Half way through the night however, tan sees e^x stood in the corner, looking thoroughly miserable. Tan goes over to e^x to try and comfort him a bit...

    Tan z: Come on, why don't you try and integrate?e^x: (sob, sob) But it wouldn't make any difference ;(
  3. Another similar one:

    e^x and a constant were walking along the road having a good chat when the constant started trembling and ducked into the nearest alley. e^x, concerned, asked 'whatever's the matter?'

    The constant replied he'd just seen a differential operator walking towards them and whenever they met he disappeared!

    e^x said 'don't worry, I'll sort him out' and went to confront him.

    "Hello", said the differential operator, "I'm d/dy"..............
  4. On Maria Sharapova beating Justine Henin-Hardenne to win the 2006 US Open:

    "I had lost four times to Justine, so I threw out everything I'd done and did a 360 [turn of strategy]. I did the total opposite. Justine had some amazing results this year, getting to the final of all four Slams," she said.

    I'm so pleased she doesn't teach geometry!

    (follow http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/sport/archives/2006/09/11/2003327179 for an article on this)
  5. Here's a bad one but my lower school classes love it:

    What's the difference between Robbie Williams and a maths teacher??
    Your maths teacher is loving Angles instead

    he he he....sorry
  6. A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
    "So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

    "40," replies the dog.

    "How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

    "I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

  7. ian60

    ian60 New commenter

    A lad comes home from school to find his dad watching telly...

    "Dad, I found out today that we only ever use two thirds of our brain power?!"

    Dad, barely moving from watching the telly.

    "Oh yeah! So what do we do with the other half then?"
  8. Similar but different to a couple of previous ones:

    There are two groups of people in the world: Those who can be categorized into one of two groups of people, and those who can't
  9. fieldextension

    fieldextension New commenter

    A physicist, chemist and a mathematician all apply for a job as a firefighter. They have a group interview to see who will get the job. The interviewer says, "Suppose you attend a fire where a tree is ablaze; what would you do?" The chemist quickly says, "I would use water from the hose to cool the fire and prevent the oxidation reaction from continuing further." "I agree," says the physicist. "Very good!" says the interviewer. Realising he has been the slowest to answer, the mathematician sheepishly adds, "Yes, I would use the hose too." Next the interviewer asks, "What would you do if there is no fire, but instead there is a child stuck at the top of the tree?" The mathematician immediately blurts out "I would set fire to the tree!" "WHAT!?" says the interviewer.
    "Well that way I reduce the problem to one I have already solved!"
  10. fieldextension

    fieldextension New commenter

    Author unknown

    Students tend to have more confidence in a teacher if they believe he or she has a thorough understanding of his or her field. To show a class that one has a thorough understanding of mathematics, it is necessary to appear "spaced out". Being "spaced out" implies one is so involved with abstract mathematics that one has lost touch with the real world. There are several ways to project such an image.

    1. Dress funny. Old suits, baggy pants, narrow ties, and hairy sweaters are all effective and even more so, when worn together.

    2. Don't wash your jumpers. Albert Einstein is best remembered for two things - being a genius and wearing dirty jumpers. Even if you are not a genius, you can still wear the jumpers. In a matter of weeks, you will gain such a reputation that no one will come near enough to challenge it.

    3. Don't comb your hair with anything finer than your left hand.

    4. Walk into the wrong room and begin to teach to whatever class is in it. This will help spread your reputation beyond your own students.

    5. Walk into the correct classroom and begin teaching on whatever happens to be left on the board from the previous class.

    6. Pretend you are deaf if someone asks a question or the bell rings while you are teaching. Try to keep talking after everyone has left the room.

    By being properly "spaced out", one will gain the confidence and the respect of one's students. This will make it easier to help inspire them in their study of mathematics.

    It is the responsibility of the teacher to actively involve his or her students in the learning process. The most important thing he or she should do is to avoid giving clear, concise, organized lessons. If the presentation of a lesson is too easy to follow, most of the class will not need to learn the new material on their own. If, on the other hand, the lesson is vague, rambling and disorganized, the students will leave with their heads full of questions. In fact, they will be so filled with curiosity that they will try to expand their knowledge on their own.

    There are many ways to present a thought-provoking lesson. One of the easiest techniques to use is a foreign accent. If the accent is thick enough, even a well-organised lesson will produce expressions of intellectual wonder among the students. For individuals who cannot speak anything but perfect English, this technique may offer difficulties. One solution is to incorporate a new syllable into one's language. Two very effective syllables are "um" and "uh". The chosen syllable should be uttered every second or third word. This reduces the possibility that any coherent concept will be given to the class. For example, one can say, "Um, today, um, we will be, um, discussing, um....um, determinants.". After a couple of sentences, most of the class will be staring at their watches or out the windows. Very quickly, they will become very anxious to leave the lesson and become independent learners.

    In addition to being aware of one's own speech patterns, the teacher should also pay close attention to the written word. Effective use of the whiteboard should be considered almost a necessity. Illegible handwriting can stimulate a student's interest in new material almost as effectively as incoherent lessons.

    Writing illegibly requires a great deal of practice to be effective. If one does not have satisfactory handwriting, certain "tricks" can be learned:

    1. Write small. For students in the back rows, this is almost as effective as writing illegibly. The disadvantage is that students in the front rows will probably be able to read the board and may possibly learn something without having to spend hours interpreting their notes.

    2. Write fast. The faster the teacher writes, the faster students will have to take notes. Often the teacher can move on to a new subject while his or her students are still trying to copy what is on the board. Students will be so busy during class that they will wait until after class to try to understand the lesson. In addition to spurring students to learn on their own, writing fast allows the teacher to cover more material in a given class period.

    3. Write something while saying something different. For example, after working out a lengthy problem the teacher tells the class the answer is x² + y while writing on the board y² + x (this is even more effective if the true answer is something entirely different). This forces students to rethink the problem in order to decide which alternative (if any) is correct. Students are thus actively involved in problem solving even after the problem is finished.

    4. Erase quickly. This technique practically forces those members of class who take notes to pay constant attention to lessons. Those who doze off for a few moments will awaken to find nothing to record on the topics they missed. This technique is especially effective if one uses both hands, in order to write and erase simultaneously.

    5. If all else fails, stand in front of what has just been written. The above "tricks" may be used separately or combined. It is a good idea to change them occasionally in order to add some variety to the classroom routine.

    It is very important that one teaches facing the whiteboard when using it. This helps demonstrate to students how involved the teacher is with the subject. This enthusiasm will most assuredly rub off on the class. Also, by facing the whiteboard, one cannot face the class. It is therefore easier to ignore students' contributions which tend to interrupt the presentation of topics and make the lesson seem to last forever.

    There is one last point on teaching technique. It is important that one does not over-prepare for lessons. Generally, one should arrive at class a few minutes early, and glance at the topic for that particular day. Lessons prepared in this manner have a certain freshness and spontaneity that is often missing from those which are more carefully organized. In addition, students will gain a greater appreciation for a correct proof if they see how much time can be spent on a wrong approach.
  11. fieldextension

    Just how long have you been observing my lessons?
  12. Just found this off another thread, brilliant peeps, here's mine

    My Rabbit is good at Maths, yesterday I asked him what 2 take away 2 was and he said nothin'

    Oh yeah, Merry Christmas
  13. maths126

    maths126 New commenter

    "0.7734" said the first (old fashioned) calculator.
    "14" replied the second.
  14. astromouse

    astromouse New commenter

  15. What an excellent piece of writing.

    And some people say Maths peeps are strange and weird! Don't know why.
  16. Domfog

    Domfog New commenter

    v grim.

    not at all appropriate as the metaphors are violent and offensive.
  17. Domfog

    Domfog New commenter

    This one will make you hoarse!


    Gets me every time!!
  18. astromouse - this was doing the rounds in '78, but isn't quite complete; probably have an old copy in the loft - thie version misses out the really grim bits
  19. maths126

    maths126 New commenter

    It was joke night at the monastery and the novice monk was invited to watch. The monk doing the stand-up seemed to be just reading out a bunch of numbers.

    ?23? ? howls of laughter from the monks.
    ?108? ? loud cheers and applause.
    ?17? ? and some of the monks can barely breathe for laughing.

    The stand-up act was a great success, and the novice asked the Abbott what it was all about.
    ?Well,? replied the Abbott, ?only certain jokes are suitable for us monks and they have all been written down in a big book. Each joke is numbered, and all these monks know the book so well that just by saying the number they can recall the joke.?

    ?Can I try, please?? asked the novice. Warily, the Abbott agrees.

    The novice takes the stage and clears his throat.
    ?52? ? a polite chuckle.
    ?94? ? the monks are looking at the floor.
    ?81? ? but the monks have already started talking amongst themselves.

    The novice left the stage, red-faced and embarrassed. ?What went wrong?? he asked.
    ?It?s the way you tell ?em? replied the Abbott?

    A week later, and the novice is determined to do better this time.
    He takes the stage clears his voice, and speaks slowly and clearly.


    Suddenly the room goes quiet and the monks look at one another open-mouthed. Then one of them starts laughing, hard, then another, and very soon the entire room is collapsed in giggles, as the monks lean on one another for support to they wipe their eyes and try to catch their breath, their sides aching in mirth. Even the Abbott is laughing.

    The novice rushes up to the Abbott to find out what happened. The Abbott turns to him and shakes his hand warmly.
    ?Well done, my son. That was brilliant. They hadn?t heard that one before.?
  20. did you hear about the death of the vegtarian (maths teacher's?

    there was a huge turnip at his funeral!

    how do eskomoes stop their mouths from freezing?

    they grit their teeth!!!!

    (hooray) i know they aren;t really maths jokes but year 8 quite enjoyed them!

    oh and 1 more that i heard on cbeebies - best joke i;ve heard for years...

    why didnt the worms go into the ark in an apple?

    because noah said they all had to go in pairs!

    (get it pairs and pears - they sound the same (homonyms or homophones?) but are slightly different

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