# Maths Jokes

Discussion in 'Mathematics' started by debecca, Mar 6, 2003.

1. ### Phil@LondonG&T

Two cats: one's English and the other's French. The English cat was called "One-two-three", and the French cat was called "Un-deux-trois". They had a swimming contest. Sadly, the Un-deux-trois cat sank.

[Well, it's about counting. That's sort of maths.]

2. ### Phil@LondonG&T

A student's sitting a mathematical physics exam. Question 1 is "Explain how you would find out the height of a tall building using a barometer."

The student writes "Go up to the top of the building and drop the barometer over the side. Time how long it takes to hit the ground, and then perform the following calculation..."

The student gets zero for that question, and protests, claiming (quite rightly) that she has a perfectly valid method. Eventually, as a compromise, the school lets her sit the exam again.

This time, she writes "Find the building's janitor, and say 'If you tell me how high your building is, I'll give you this lovely barometer.'"

3. ### GBYRD

Cheesy I know, but:
"What did the mathematician say when his parrot flew off? Polly gone, of course!

4. ### MrsH

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

5. ### hairyarms

MrsH, that joke is just rubbish.

6. ### valed

Teacher: What do we call the vertical axis?

Pupil : Y!

I'm here all week, folks

7. ### InformantNew commenter

Not a joke and hardly maths, but lateral thinking with numbers.

An Englishmen, a Frenchman and a German were asked the same question. The Englishman replied 132, the Frenchman replied 231 while the German replied 312.

What was the question (Wait! Think before looking at the answer)?

Can you place these numbers in alphabetical order?

8. ### oldtimer99

I don't do jokes (miserable b*****r) but has it ever occurred to you that the almost everyone has more than the average number of legs?

Since there are some of us with one leg, or no legs, then the mean number of legs per person is 1.99...

9. ### MrsH

Sorry about the previous rubbish... is this any better ??

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are given an identical problem: Prove that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime numbers. They proceed:
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counterexample - claim is false.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Computer Scientist: 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, ...
Yes, they're all primes.

10. ### hairyarms

Not sure, MrsH, but I THINK that's WORSE.

11. ### chasbo

I love MrsH?s joke in post 68. I don?t get the last line about the computer scientist though!
Are you saying that computer scientists are so thick that they cannot count past 1?
They would surely count 1, 10 11, 100, 101, 110 etc.
Or was the joke to do with the fact that there were only three people who were given a problem, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, so where did the computer scientist come from?
Or have I missed the joke completely?
Sorry for not posting a joke on the joke thread!

12. ### debecca

Conversation with an arty friend at university:

Q. What do you say to a Classics graduate?
A. Big Mac and Fries please!

To which he responded...

Q. What do you say to a Maths graduate?
A. **** off weirdo!

... well, I laughed

13. ### Skepchym

Three teachers and a salesman have been selected for interview at City Hall for the job of heading the PR Office. Nothing to choose between them, so they are given a practical test.

Each is given a barometer, a clock and a piece of string and told to measure the height of the belltower of the Catholic Church.

The physics teacher measures the barometric pressure at ground level and at the top of the tower and deduces the height.

The maths teacher drops the barometer from the top of the tower, times its fall and calculates the height.

The woodwork teacher ties the barometer to the string, lowers it from the top of the towere and using the ruler that any woodworker carries in his pocket measures the string used, getting the best answer so far.

The salesman ain't worried a bit. Just goes to the Father, makes him a gift of the barometer and the clock, asks the height of the tower and gets the job.

14. ### Skepchym

Sorry to find it on the tail of something similar.

At least I managed to write 'maths', not 'math'.

15. ### MrsH

Calling 'Hairy' .....PLEASE say you think this is funny....

Top Ten excuses for not doing Maths homework

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

Well it amused me!!

16. ### hairyarms

Sorry I didn't notice this before, but I have been stalking TickVeeGee on personal.

This is much better, Mrs H., much much better.
1 OK
2 rubbish
3 Clever
4 Not funny or clever
5 Have you pinched this from some US site?
6 Doesn't work
7 Don't get it I'm afraid

BUT!!
8 Nice, if a bit silly
9 & 10 TOPOLOGY - my FAVOURITE!!
V. V. V. V. V. V. V. V. V. Good!

Thank you.

If only the OTHER MrsH was as nice as you.

17. ### MrsH

Hairy - yes it did come from a US site ...

Gee - who is the other Mrs H - we must meet up some time !!

You goin' a campin' ????
GOOD LUCK...that's the best joke on here !!!

Remember when I had to get up in the night to take a child to the loo - scary and not much fun - the rest of it was great tho'

... esp when husband reversed out of our 'spot' trying to avoid the cricketers and finished up stuck with the back of the car off the ground on a dustbin!

BEWARE rampant dustbins !!

18. ### charliedontsurf

(Wife to maths professor ): " Darling, I sometimes think that you love maths more than you love me"

" Rubbish. Of course I love you more!"

"Prove it then"

" Ok, let R be the Set of all lovable objects..."

19. ### Geoff ThomasStar commenter

#77.

Laughing out loud - now that's funny.

20. ### Monty_Python

My old man's favourite:

Now, Johnny. We've put 12 leeks in each row, and there are 7 rows.

How many leeks are there in total?

Johnny:
Dunno, Grandad. We don't do gardening at school!