# Maths Jokes

Discussion in 'Mathematics' started by debecca, Mar 6, 2003.

1. ### Kidsgrove

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Loop?

So's not to get to the other side

2. ### mjscool

How many poos make a diarrhoea?

3. ### Kidsgrove

Found in a French Office........

Au travail, chaques semaine, je donne toujours 100% de moi-meme.

Lundi: 10%
Mardi: 42%
Mecredi 18%
Jeudi: 25%
Vendredi: 5%

TOTAL: 100%

4. ### boltos

Hey guys

Only just found this thread, so wil post my jests here: Found some maths/science jests... :S

"Astronomer, physicist and mathematician on holiday in Scotland and see a black sheep in a field, 'How interesting' says the astronomer 'All Scottish sheep are black', physicist replies 'no, no, only some Scottish sheep are black' to which our friend the maths guy responds 'In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black' "

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they found ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity, so spend £12billion over 10 years to get a pen that writes in zero gravity, underwater and on any surface. The Russians used a pencil"

"Mathematician, biologist and a physicist and standing opposite a house and see two people enter the house. Time passes. Then three people leave the house. The physicist goes 'the measurement wasn't accurate', the biologist replies 'no, no they have reproduced!'. The maths guy answers 'If exactly one person enters the house, it wil be empty again' "

For anyone like me who has done economics as well as maths, you'll know the difference. In maths 2 + 2 = 4. Sorted. In economics 2 + 2 = 2 cos we assume the 2 away. [Has anyone else had [economics] modules where the entire work seems to be on building models, then assuming everything except one variable away, and hey presto the 'theory' seems to hold. Er, yeah, cos there's only one variable now...]

5. ### shhhh

The national lottery is a tax for people who aren't very good at maths

6. ### footyteacher

I'm surprised that no-one's put this one up yet. Though it's so weak, perhaps it's not so surprising...

It's got square roots.

I was going to tell you the joke about 288, but it's just too gross.

I was going to tell you the joke about half an acre, but it's just too rude.

7. ### sebbie

Kermit the frog is doing a sesame street special on numbers.
"hey kids, today we're gonna meet some number buddies of mine, the first is 3"
"Hi 3"
"Hi kids! I am three, a whole number and I am useful for all sorts of adding so make me your buddy"

"Now we are gonna meet 1/4, he's a rational number"
"Hi 1/4"
"Hi kids, I am also useful, you can share things with me so best get to know me"

"Now here comes pi, he's irrational"
"Hi pi"
"Dont say my name so loud you idiots, don't you know that the FBI are onto me cos I know that JFKL was shot by aliens..."

And the moral is to stay clear of irrationals.

8. ### emilyisobel

up - everyone is overworked and needs a giggle right now.

9. ### flipflops

F(x)= 2X+3 walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks and asks for some sanwiches.
The barman replies sorry we don't cater for functions.

10. ### lilachardyStar commenter

Do I know you flipflops.... did you tell that at a course recently?

11. ### debecca

Q. Who invented King Arthur's round table?
A. Sir Cumference.

[one of my Year 7's told me this recently]

12. ### bbibblerNew commenter

It's been too long on page 20

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.

13. ### bbibblerNew commenter

You can walk through my deepest thoughts without getting your ankles wet

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

14. ### bbibblerNew commenter

Q: How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?
A: They make you an offer that you can't understand.

15. ### goldbug

What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape

16. ### mathsstudent

a man and a woman, both 57, both maths professors, are having marital difficulties and are hell bent on turtoring each other. the husband phones the wife to tell her that he has just booked a hotel room with one of his 19 year old students and was planning to have his wicked way with her all night. to this she replied that she had also booked a room to spend time with her 19 old student toyboy. "so we're even then" stated the husband. "not even close" replied the wife "as a maths professor you know as well as i do that 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19!"

17. ### hairyarms

What do you call a testicle who requires a daily dose of Ritalin?

A hyperbolic.

18. ### calum

This one's not really maths, but.....

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

Here's a maths one:

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: "What does the teacher mean?" St.Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

19. ### Dr. Watson

The NNS.
KS3 NCT results.
GCSE specifications
Non-specialists teaching in KS4.
Comparative AS pass rates between different subjects.

If you didn't laugh, you'd cry.

20. ### Phil@LondonG&T

OK, so a matrix, a vector and set go into a pub. And they try to go through to the back bar. But the barman calls out "Sorry lads, that room's reserved for a function."