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Maths Jokes

Discussion in 'Mathematics' started by debecca, Mar 6, 2003.

  1. anon17

    anon17 New commenter

    A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
    merits of having a wife or a mistress.

    The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
    and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

    The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
    security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

    The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
    that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
    thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

    A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive
    government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them
    to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on
    board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.
    Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of
    the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he
    would try to fly the aircraft.

    He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
    got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be
    pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!
    Hurry!!!!!!"

    The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
    pole in a complex plane."

     
  2. anon17

    anon17 New commenter

    Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
    A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

     
  3. Surely the computer scientist would celebrate it on Feb 11001 or wait till April 19 of following year ?!!
     
  4. sann0638

    sann0638 New commenter

    From the Guardian:

    Q: What did Humphry Bogart say to the geometrist?
    A: Here's looking at Euclid.
     
  5. Colleen_Young

    Colleen_Young Occasional commenter

    Thought we should have this one back for half term

    How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
     
  6. Lowering the tone here a little bit.

    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    He worked it out with a pencil.
     
  7. HB1

    HB1

    1960's Arithmetic test:
    "A logger cuts and sells a truck load of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fiths of that amount.
    What is his profit?"

    70's New Math test:
    "A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points.
    What is the cardinality of set P of profits?"

    80's education reform version:
    "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, and his profit is $20.
    Find and circle the number 20."

    90's version:
    "An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 old growth trees in order to make a $20 profit.
    Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way of making money.
    Topic for discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?"

     
  8. LOL
     
  9. These are very old and quite terrible:

    The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

    A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
    "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

    Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

    "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."



    What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
    Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
     
  10. I see the jokes have started to repeat themselves. They were bad enough the first time round on Page 1 of this thread :D
     
  11. Mr Einstein - why did the chicken cross the road?

    Einstein: It didn't, ze road passed under ze chicken. Here let me show you my formula.........
     
  12. Did you know that five thirds of adults are unable to do fractions
     
  13. 1 + 1 = 3 (For large values of 1)

    think about it!
     
  14. ...and nearly 50% of them are below average at statistics
     
  15. One of the funniest/most tragic sights I ever witnessed was some junior minister complaining that 50% of the children had performed below average when the first set of KS3 SATs were taken.
     
  16. Hey Otto,

    Did you hear the joke about the KS3 marks distribution deviating from the classical "Bell Curve" and causing more than 50% of student to fall below the average.


    OK - once upon a time, there were 100 students sitting an exam?..

    By coincidence, 99 of them got exactly the same mark. The last student was very clever and scored more, thus raising the average.

    Next day the teacher complained that 99% of his students were below average!
    Isn't maths fun.
     
  17. My trainee announced this morning that he needed some gags for his year 9 class...

    I was about to direct him here
     
  18. Here's a maths limerick!!

    (12 + 144 + 20 + 3*sqrt(4))/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0


    ... or if you don't get it, here it is in a different format:


    A dozen a gross and a score,
    Plus three times the square root of four,
    Divided by seven,
    Plus five times eleven,
    Is nine squared and not a bit more.
     
  19. why was 6 afraid of 7?

    because 7 ate 9.

    Mum, my maths teacher is stupid. Yesterday, she said that 5 + 3 makes 8. Today she changed her mind and said it was 2 + 6.
     
  20. 'eleven plus two' is an anagram of 'twelve plus one'

    Taken from a lecturer's door:
    women = money * time
    (time = money)
    women = money squared
    money is the root of evil
    =>women are evil
     

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