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Marriage advice

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Javou, Aug 24, 2011.

  1. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post.
    I'm a bit nervous about writng this but i'm honestly after some advice and don't want to talk to family members. I once heard that your family are not one to talk to about your husband or partner as they never forget anf may hold it against you both when you're in a happy place!
    I'll try to keep it short, but it could prove difficult.
    We've been married for 6 years- together for 12. Baby number one came recently after trying for so long. We've been so fortunate to never having had any real problems. Families got on, healthy, both worked, money ..okay, nice house..good enough sex life..the normal everyday happenings. We went through a rough patch about 5 years ago, when my husband left his job to start up on his own, he was a little depressed but we got through it.
    Baby is a blessing. I felt we were strong as a couple, secure, happy and she was very much wanted and planned for.
    Times changed when I got pregnant. In my opinion he wanted to make the most of our life before it changed. He started to go out more. Iwas too pregnant and tired to go so he went with a his friends. Baby came and of course it through us both into chaos for a bit. He still went out, carrioed on with life and I was thrown into learning how to be a mother. I did begin to resent this- some arguments began.
    He settled his going out but began another hobby, which meant he uses this as an excuse to go out now. He's always had a problem with getting up in the mornings. When his business is doing well, he's up at a reasonable time and suits up and goes. May come back late which is another argument.
    Lately, things are very quiet, the staff run things well, he stays in bed till mid morning sometimes afternoon. More arguments.
    Sex has been very sparse. Probably my fault- I wouldn't say I have lost interest but yes, honestly, prefer a good night sleep before I have to get up at 6 to see to our lttle one.
    I don't think he is having an affair but I am fearful how he copes with the no-sex issue. I'm worried about him not wanting to get up in the morning.
    I've tried to talk to him. He either tells me i'm patronisng or he ignores me. I've shouted at him, ignored him, talked gently and caringly. I feel we are in crisis.
    He was my world, my number one. Since the baby, I feel his actions are pathetic. Maybe he senses this. I was weak before, emotional and relied on him for everything. Now I feel strong, I have to be for the baby. I'm an equal now. Maybe he doesn't like this.
    If this would have been before the baby, i would cry and worry constantly about him wanting to divorce me. I don't now. Our little one needs me to be a strong role model.
    What can I do to help him? Help us? Have you been through anything like this?

  2. Well, not married and never have been, so this is either an entirely objective point of view, or someone ramblin on without having any idea what they are talking about, one or the other.
    What stands out in your post for me is that you are doing all the childcare. Could he be left out? Could it be he doesn't appreciate the enormity of it? Could it be that you are getting isolated?
    How would it be if you took up a regular hobby and/or regular social engagements, and he committed to caring for the baby at that time?
    How about you took up some regular hobby or social commitmant as a family? Join a rambling group for example? (I've known families take any age children along)
    Or how about you take up a part time or voluntary job, say one morning a week, as he seems to be able to afford the time of work to look after the baby.
    Hope things work out.Most importantly, enjoy your little one. Are you meeting up with other mums?
  3. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Welcome to TES, Javou.

    I watched 'Waitress' too the other night ...
  4. Thanks for the replies.
    Returning to work full time in November as maternity leave ends. Hobby- hmmm not sure about that. He could feel left out but I don't know how to help that. If I need to go shopping, hairdresser or beauticians for example, he's rarely there to help, like on a Saturday, he always has an excuse for that, or He'll suggest mum look after her. I end up taking her with me. Yes..I feel tired and a little fed up of doing everything by myself...housework, cooking, childcare...I love my daughter but would like his help with some things..especially when he doesn't go to work on time or is doing his own thing. I don't lknow what to say to him?
    Waitress...???? Don't know what you mean. Sorry.
  5. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Try posting on Mumsnet. After a few posts you'll be told to "leave the ***".
  6. it only takes three on here...coupled with ,change the locks , withdraw the money from the joint account, get a solicitor, shove prawns up his **** and go to bed with a bottle of wine and a bar of Galaxy. :¬))
  7. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    ...which is, of course, the right answer!
  8. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    My interpretation is that you feel you're running on parallel tracks, with little other than the house and somewhat sporadic sex to link you together. You want to draw things closer - (which is good). You feel that conversations about the relationship don't go well.
    Babies change relationship dynamics (and by the time they leave home, you're 20 years older ad everything else has changed).
    My view is that relationships prosper when there are shared goals and living, and fragment when there aren't. It sounds as if you consider the relationship to have been one sided pre-baby and now unbalanced the other way and that husband is "hands off", wanting to keep it that way.
    You seem to have done a fair amount of thinking about what you want in the relationship - company, shared parenting, shared living (e.g. not in bed or out at the pub). Because he's a bloke, it will be difficult to get him to share what he would like - he may not have thought very explicitly about this. The success of his business seems important - when it's going well, and good relations with friends. Are his friends still childless?
    He needs to build a relationship with his child - this can transform men (if they want that to happen). If he has a good relationship with the child, he may be less likely to get distracted by other women. Not sure how you go about getting him to be hands on. Mrs P just used to say "you need to change the nappy NOW!".
    Hang in there, don't do anything hasty.
  9. EBC

    EBC New commenter

    Thank you for the responses, especially phlogiston. Helpful advice given.
    I do not want to leave or get rid of my husband. We have a lovely life together, its just rough at the moment. As phlogiston said we were on parallel paths before- always had been, its just we seem to have slipped onto different roads and I don't know how to help me , help us.

  10. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

  11. Three in a marriage does not work.
  12. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Erica Jong would disagree with you, Bauble
  13. Was she the lady who streaked at Twickers in the 70's?
  14. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Sadly not, but between them they are a lovely pair of Ericas....
  15. I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with those two.
  16. It may be that his depression has never properly gone away.
    Lack of interest in sex, disengagement from family life, staying in bed and arguing are possible signs of what may be depression. It effects people in different ways - your husband wanting to get as much out of life before 'it's too late' perhaps means he's worried about his life slipping away and death? When I first became depressed I became obsessed with my family tree and where I fitted in it between those who had died and my children - all about mortality and what mark I would leave on the world.
    What makes me doubt that he has depression is that he wants to go out all the time. That seems unusual. What is his new hobby?
  17. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    Depression has all sorts of symptoms. It was one of the things I thought of but forgot to write in my earlier post. Mild depression shows itself in all sorts of strange ways.
    It is easy to say 3 in a marriage doesn't work, but many marriages are enriched by children. Unfortunately, some aren't.
  18. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

  19. dumpty

    dumpty Lead commenter

    I would think if you have gone off sex and he is still energetic there, this will cause problems - but only if you are closing the door for good. By that I mean no matter what anyone says on here, you both need to sit down and be brutally honest with each other.
    What is stopping you both re-newing your love, physically and mentally, for each other?
  20. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter

    Bauble: I am surprised at you suggesting that ****** off women should do pleasurable things to their men or ex men.
    To the OP:
    I think maybe your partner isn't coping very well with the demands of a new baby and he is going off doing things on his own because he wants to get out of the house and remain independent like he's been used to.
    Unfortunately, one of the downsides of a new baby is that it often prevents people from doing that.
    I actually think it is healthy for a relationship with a new baby if there is some time that does not revolve around the baby but that should apply to both of you. Not just him.
    Maybe sit down and agree a rough time when you can both go off and do things you enjoy on your own, maybe at the weekend or one night a week.
    When my son was a baby,I joined a posh gym and I used to go and have some me time in the gym ,swimming or in the café bar. This was also useful later on as I used the crèche.
    As for the sexual side of the relationship, I think it is worth putting some effort into this. Maybe get a baby sitter who will look after the baby for a few hours and plan some romantic event a nice meal, etc, maybe dress up if that is your thing :) Sex is important for lots of people and it keeps the closeness there .
    I don't think what is happening to you both is unusual as no one can prepare you for the difference a young baby makes and if you go on to have more kids you will find that the majority of life revolves around them and your own lives take a backseat for a while, so you have to work hard at getting the balance right so you both have time for yourselves. The number of relationships which were good before kids but then cumble under the pressures of having a family are quite high so it is worth it to keep on trying to resolve the issues between you both.
    I am a big believer in talking things through...I think it is a woman thing but that's probably being sexist. x

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