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Losing a parent

Discussion in 'Personal' started by impis, Feb 28, 2012.

  1. impis

    impis New commenter

    At the age of 55, i've just lost one of my parents. My mom couldn't
    wake my dad yesterday morning and despite their best efforts, two
    ambulance crews couldn't wake him either.



    He was 81. A good age you might think.



    My mom is 83. Increasingly frail, poor mobility, - my dad was her carer.

    My grandmother is 102. Frail, yes, but still living in her own house
    and taking care of herself, with a bit of help from family.



    My dad was fit as a fiddle. A bit overweight - but on the whole, fit
    as a fiddle. Never a day's illness in his life. He died the way he
    lived - quietly, and with a great deal of dignity.



    Its all so unfair!!!!



    Today I have to be strong for my mom, and for the rest of the family who
    are distraught. I have to begin ringing round doctors and registras
    etc in order to get things moving along. As executor of his will, I
    also have to try to ensure that his wishes are followed. In his will,
    he's stated that he wants to donate his body to science. However, I
    think that he should have completed a separate donation document to go
    alongside it - so i'm not sure that any medical school will be willing
    to have him. Of course, the funeral directors will also be wanting
    him NOT to go that way.



    Yesterday I rang many relatives to let them know of my dad's death. And
    friends too of course. I have been amazed at how few of those
    relatives have actually rang my mom to express their support. I
    understand that they probably have no idea what to say to her - but
    really, I wish they could put that aside and ring anyway.

    I'm also angry that he didn't give us the time to say goodbye. I know
    that is selfish. He has had the perfect death, really. I couldn't
    have wished for any better for him - or anyone . To die in your sleep,
    with no warning, no pain, and no fear - that's the perfect way to go
    really, isn't it? And it's what he deserved. A nice death.



    I know you lot didn't know my dad. But its such a help for me to just
    offload a bit on here. I have to be strong for my mom, but here,
    while she's still sleeping, I can have my little weep.
     
  2. impis

    impis New commenter

    At the age of 55, i've just lost one of my parents. My mom couldn't
    wake my dad yesterday morning and despite their best efforts, two
    ambulance crews couldn't wake him either.



    He was 81. A good age you might think.



    My mom is 83. Increasingly frail, poor mobility, - my dad was her carer.

    My grandmother is 102. Frail, yes, but still living in her own house
    and taking care of herself, with a bit of help from family.



    My dad was fit as a fiddle. A bit overweight - but on the whole, fit
    as a fiddle. Never a day's illness in his life. He died the way he
    lived - quietly, and with a great deal of dignity.



    Its all so unfair!!!!



    Today I have to be strong for my mom, and for the rest of the family who
    are distraught. I have to begin ringing round doctors and registras
    etc in order to get things moving along. As executor of his will, I
    also have to try to ensure that his wishes are followed. In his will,
    he's stated that he wants to donate his body to science. However, I
    think that he should have completed a separate donation document to go
    alongside it - so i'm not sure that any medical school will be willing
    to have him. Of course, the funeral directors will also be wanting
    him NOT to go that way.



    Yesterday I rang many relatives to let them know of my dad's death. And
    friends too of course. I have been amazed at how few of those
    relatives have actually rang my mom to express their support. I
    understand that they probably have no idea what to say to her - but
    really, I wish they could put that aside and ring anyway.

    I'm also angry that he didn't give us the time to say goodbye. I know
    that is selfish. He has had the perfect death, really. I couldn't
    have wished for any better for him - or anyone . To die in your sleep,
    with no warning, no pain, and no fear - that's the perfect way to go
    really, isn't it? And it's what he deserved. A nice death.



    I know you lot didn't know my dad. But its such a help for me to just
    offload a bit on here. I have to be strong for my mom, but here,
    while she's still sleeping, I can have my little weep.
     
  3. Oh impis, I am sorry. Weep away, I can only imagine how traumatic it must be to lose your father without warning.
    Don't be angry with your relatives, they are probably shocked too and will ring your mother as soon as they have had a chance to take it on board. I can understand that you are angry with your father for leaving without giving you the chance to say goodbye but remember that you obviously loved each other and that will give you strength in the days ahead.
    My best wishes to you and your family.
     
  4. You have my great sympathy. My Dad died when I was 5 and he was 36. In September my mother will "celebrate" 50 years as a widow. Celebrate his life and remember him whenever you can is the only advice I can offer.
     
  5. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    Impis,you have my sincere sympathy. My dad went the same way. In the middle of a party with his friends, he said that he was just going upstairs to have a wee rest. He died in few minutes later, quietly and on his bed. What makes me really mad is that my mother didn't find him for hours, and he was completely cold. She didn't care enough to go and check how he was. My siblings and I are convinced that he died to escape her. Now THAT is sad. We remember him with love, respect and sadness that we never knew him.as a father or a person.
     
  6. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter

    So sorry to hear about your dad,Impis.
    I can understand why you feel that you didn't have a chance to say goodbye to him but reading your post,it is clear that you loved him and he would have known that.
    I don't know if you have anyone to help you sort things out but having just gone through this with my own dad at Christmas,I know how much there is to sort out. I shared the responsibility with my 3 brothers and even then I was exhausted after the Christmas holidays as there was so much to do.
    I don't know if you are able to ask for some compassionate leave but I was able to have 5 days compassionate leave after the holidays finished as my dad's funeral was delayed because of the Christmas holidays and then the doctor signed me off for a further 5 days. I spent the time being with my mum making sure she was ok as she lives at about 170 miles away and I was looking after her a bit.
    I now know what people mean when the say the grief comes in waves. I wasn't able to see dad much as I was busy with my job and family but would travel up as often as I could but he was always there in a corner of my mind and he still is.
    I am not religious but I think that while we keep people we love in our hearts,they are still with us.This may sound silly but I feel I am keeping his memory safe in my heart.
    I think we were both lucky that we had good dads who we loved lots.
    Impis[​IMG]
     
  7. My most sincere condolences, Imp. xxx

     
  8. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    Very sad, as any loss is Impis but perhaps not the best time to be posting on TES sweetie x
     
  9. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    Just wanted to send you my love, I can't even imagine what you are feeling but I'm sure your family are just at a loss what to say rather than not caring.
    Thinking of you, your mum & family xxx
     
  10. angiebabe

    angiebabe New commenter

    (((impis)))
     
  11. TheoGriff

    TheoGriff Star commenter

    It's hard for you, Impis, both having lost your father, and having the additional worry for your mother and grandmother.
    Just remember how much he loved you, all the things he did with you when you were small, how many things you have done in your life where you were, consciously or unconsciously, copying his example.
    Be proud of him, of having that great father, and think too of the times when he said he was proud of you.
    Best wishes - the future will be better than today or tomorrow or the day after. I promise you, it will be better.
    _______________________________________
    TheoGriff. Member of the TES Careers Advice Service.
    I do Application and Interview one-to-ones, and also contribute to the Job Application Seminars. We look at application letters, executive summaries and interviews, with practical exercises that people really appreciate.
    I shall be doing the Moving into Headship or SLT seminar on Saturday 17th March.
    www.tesweekendworkshop90.eventbrite.com
     
  12. Mrs_Frog

    Mrs_Frog New commenter

    I'm so sorry Impis, very little anyone can say, I appreciate that. It is pants, and it will be for a while.
    (We had this with my mum going a few years ago, age 61)
    You will be very busy with arrangements etc for the next couple of weeks, and although its really pants, after the funeral (for me) was almost the time that I could 'get on with grieving' so to speak as many of the practicalities were dealt with.
    Everyone has different experiences with grief, and nothing is wrong with any of it, people work through things in their own way, and handle things differently.
    You have my condolences, and remember, although its rough at the moment, over time the pain will be easier to live with, and you will be able to remember all the good times with joy

    B x
     
  13. Bethannie

    Bethannie New commenter

    (((impis)))
    So sorry to hear your sad news. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
    The anger you feel at not getting to sat goodbye is totally normal. It will eventually pass. As you say, your father had a peaceful death - this is what you will remember.
    Be patient with your relatives. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some may be in a state of shock. Others may be angry with themselves for not being there - irrational though that is! Still others will feel helpless and not know what to say to your Mum.
    Have your weep. You are entitled to a few of them over the next few days or so. Make sure you look after yourself...make sure you are eating and keeping your fluids up - it's all too easy to forget little things like that.
    As I type this, the words of Julian of Norwich come to my mind...'All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well'...I don;t know what faith you have, but maybe those words can be of some comfort. For your father, all is now well...and however confusing and upsetting and just 'wrong' things feel at the moment, this will pass and all will be well.
    If posting helps, then keep posting. Others here understand (I lost my step-dad suddenly a few years ago). Take the time you need. And be blessed
    xxx
     
  14. Ruthie66

    Ruthie66 New commenter

    Impis - sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad after quite a long illness just over a year ago, my Grandad, however, died very suddenly like your Dad (it was an aortic aneuryism for him). I'm not sure which is harder to deal with, quick with no chance to say goodbye or long with plenty of opportunities for letting people know how you feel. For your Dad, this will be the easier way but it makes it tough for you and your family.
    Take care and despite the fact that you need to be strong for others make sure you are able to grieve yourself.
    Ruthie x
     
  15. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    Sincere sympathy to you impis. It must seem so unreal to you at the moment.
    I lost my lovely dad ten years ago in very similar circumstances, shortly after his 65th birthday. I still remember picking up the phone early in the morning and hearing my Mum's voice telling me she couldn't wake him. At the time it seemed so unfair and unreasonable, but looking back it was a happy and peaceful way to go. Dad would have hated it if he'd been ill or frail and to go suddenly while in apparent good health was a kindess.
    It can take much longer to get used to the loss than you would ever think possible. Take it a day at a time. I can remember the comfort I got from staring at my pear tree of all things; I would stand and cry most days, watching the blossom growing and giving way to fruit over the weeks and months. It helped me come to terms with the enormous mystery of it all.
    Wishing you strength and peace in this difficult time. Make sure you get some time to yourself to grieve in your own way, alongside having to be strong for your family. Make him proud.
     
  16. Oh Impis - much sympathy. ((( Impis )))
    What a horrible shock for your Mum and you...I expect you cannot believe you are arranging a funeral now. I hope it all goes well...but I imagine it is no consolation that your Dad had a 'good' death (if any death can be good). It's funny how the balance of life and relationships changes..shifts in another direction when an adult loses a parent. Once you have said your goodbyes and the funeral is over you'll probably feel his loss even more, strange as it sounds. I have just been to a a funeral this afternoon. I didn't know the deceased very well - she was my (late) Mum's neighbour for many years, but a kindly soul who always had time to chat and she kept an eye on Mum too and was there for her if ever needed. I went into the chapel feeling sad and thinking about my own mortality, but came out feeling lighter....This lady had a good life, did lots of interesting things (I didn't know about) like driving a taxi for a living, being a model for (nude) still life classes, passing her motor bike test at 50, taking Art A level in her 60s and most recently getting a Psychology degree with the OU.
    She packed a lot in. It made me feel quite determined to use my days well.
    I hope your Dad had a good life Impis and that his funeral can be a celebration of a life well lived. Do look after yourself...lean on others in this time of 'being strong'.
     
  17. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    My condolences (((Impis))) xx
     
  18. So sorry Implis- read your post and responses with tears. X
     
  19. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I'm so sorry to hear your sad news, Impis.
    However old he was, you are still a girl losing her dad.
    (((((Impis)))))
     
  20. becky70

    becky70 New commenter

    So sorry to hear of your loss, Impis.
     

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