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Lock down divorce and moving on

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Iamtitanium, May 30, 2020.

  1. Iamtitanium

    Iamtitanium New commenter

    In October I posted in here about my marriage and when we know we've reached the end of the road. My husband has some mental health problems and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, making excuses for him, anticipating what might make him kick off.
    Shortly after this my husband needed a routine op so things settled a bit and we went back to "normal"
    Since lock down things have once again become unbearable, made worse because obviously there's been little or no break from him but this time he's moved out. I'm staying in the house and paying him a lump sum (what's left from my pension LS but nowhere near what he's entitled to). A solicitor is drawing up a sep agreement and he's moved out of the area.
    So the next chapter of my life is beginning. I feel guilty and anxious but most of all relieved. I'm hoping that the grief over losing what should have been will diminish over time . Off to buy paint tomorrow!

    ACOYEAR8 Star commenter

    Good luck. I never believed it 22 years ago when I was told I'd get through my divorce, yet here I am calmly posting the fact.
    knitone, TheoGriff, Lalad and 6 others like this.
  3. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    This sounds as positive a way forward as you might have hoped for, even though it will, inevitably, be tinged with sadness. I wish you a happy future.
  4. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    At least, however hard it is to come to terms with the end of a relationship the important point is it seems to be ending amicably. You have a home and in return, you are seeking to help him,
    I hope for you both you can find completeness and abetter life in your breakup.
    I am sure there are plenty on this forum wh can advise you on things you might consider, get or do.
    Myself, I have never divorced, having been married some 44 years....but there are times when its headed that way, and divorce was a considered option.
    Each of us must work out what we consider is best for all involved.
  5. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    I was thinking, @Iamtitanium, that the lockdown will have been very hard on many relationships. Yours will not be the only one, I'm sure. The impossibility of Getting Away from someone must be very hard when a relationship is already a bit rocky. In my own acquaintanceship (is that a word) I know of at least two such situations, one of which we all saw coming, the other not.
    (This is simply a thought, not a comment on you or your situation.)
  6. stopwatch

    stopwatch Lead commenter

    I had been with my first wife for around 20 years when we got divorced. Our 2 children were 14 and 16. The biggest step was the actual decision to separate, which I took as she had been unfaithful multiple times. I also took the decision to divorce. It was reasonably amicable, but for me it was both traumatic and also a great relief. This took place about 20 years ago.
    There will no doubt be periods of negativity, anxiety, guilt and grief. However, in the long term you will be able start again and, hopefully, live your own life.
    For me, without doubt, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I know that, if I had stayed, I would have now been a soulless, broken person.
    Well done on your decision and good luck for the future.
  7. mmm...Milk

    mmm...Milk New commenter

    I wish my "husband" would move out, but it's not happening, the reason being that they are transitioning to be a woman and want to have somewhere safe to do it. I'm not sufficiently heartless enough to throw her/him to the wolves that is the DWP and universal credit. S/he doesn't work.
    The marriage is dead, over, we Co exist.
    I hope one day I will be free.
  8. Jamvic

    Jamvic Star commenter

    I wish you happiness in your new chapter of life @lamtitanium
    TheoGriff and agathamorse like this.
  9. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    well done you. First thing I did when my ex moved out was to chuck out all the bedroom furniture and buy new stuff that I liked. Made such a difference to symbolically start afresh.
    Good luck and I’m sure there will be ups and downs in the coming months, you’ll get through it and will be thriving soon.

    I’m off to get myself prettied up in preparation for a few nice socially distanced cocktails in my front garden with a rather charming and handsome man :p
  10. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    At least your neighbours can join in lol
    mothorchid and agathamorse like this.
  11. Iamtitanium

    Iamtitanium New commenter

    I know this is absolutely the right thing for me, my family and possibly for him but it still hurts and I do miss him. Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome
    agathamorse likes this.
  12. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    It will hurt. It is the right thing. These are not contradictory - well, they are, but it doesn't mean they aren't both true.
    Take care. Be kind to yourself.
  13. Jolly_Roger15

    Jolly_Roger15 Star commenter

    Spare a thought for those bereaved by the Covid virus, who cannot turn for support from friends and family due to the lockdown.
    monicabilongame likes this.
  14. Ellakits

    Ellakits Lead commenter

    He’s still your husband - you didn’t marry a woman, so you have no wife.

    Think very carefully about your decision to house him, it could seriously and negatively affect your mental health and that of any children of the relationship.

    You will also find that there is very little support for the non-transitioning spouse and that your role is simply to affirm him and his choices. Speaking publicly about your unhappiness is not wise and unfortunately will have you labelled a bigot.

    I wish you both well.
  15. Owleyes00

    Owleyes00 New commenter

    Feel for mmm...milk and appreciate you are trying to be supportive but there is no need to deliberately misgender someone smh
    agathamorse likes this.
  16. Ezzie

    Ezzie Occasional commenter

    Well done, @Iamtitanium, I went through a similar separation to yours 6 years ago and I know it was the best thing for both of us. We’ve both very much moved on but I think it’s only natural to think back to ‘happier times’ from the past now and again. I was wondering if your TES name comes from the song that got me through the difficult times before he finally moved out (it took him nearly a year to finally leave)? I would agree about buying bedroom stuff if you can afford it. xx
    agathamorse likes this.
  17. Iamtitanium

    Iamtitanium New commenter

    Ezzie love that song !
    Thank you all for your kind words. Onwards and upwards eh?
    mothorchid likes this.

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