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Living with the inlaws, and pi**ng them off!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by dogcat, Feb 2, 2011.

  1. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I have recently moved in with my inlaws whilst I save for a deporsit (bf's parents we're not married but just easier to say inlaws!) and food causes issues, resulting in bad feeling tonight.
    I was happy to cook for myself, I buy my own dinner things and at breakfast have porridge which is prepared on mass for everyone. As they make loads at teatime his mum said they'd cook for me, so I thought fair enough. On a Friday we fend for ourselves, Saturday night his stepdad likes to cook, and prefers for no one else to do it (I have offered and cooked once) so if we're in we eat. On a Sunday it's either here for all of us plus grandparent's or tea at the grandparents, or I cook.
    In the week they don't eat until after 7pm, by which time I'm starving. If I make stuff from food I have I feel rude so I try to wait. Tonight my bf and I decided to go out for tea as we hardly see each other in the week. His mum was making pasta bake, but it keeps until tomorrow.
    When we said we were going out for tea his mum said she wasn't being funny but is it easier to fend for ourselves. I said yes my bf said no! His stepdad then said on a Weds and Sat we could fend for ourselves, which is fine by me.
    Now seems to be an atmosphere about it. I was always happy to make my own tea, not an issue for me. I understand why his mum might be annoyed that she cooked and we went out, but it's only the second time we've done that. We agreed a rent amount, but she wouldn't let me give it her at all at first. I then had to draw out cash and she woulds only accept half.
    So now I will buy and make my own tea, but then will feel rude if I'm coming in and making something whilst she is too. But at least that way I feel no guilt and I can eat when I get in.
    The joy of living with inlaws!
  2. I found this rather stressful when I had son and d-i-l to be living with us. She eats very healthily, not small quantities (mainly salad!) and is never famished, whilst everyone else eats like the world's biggest horse. I was home at 3, whilst everyone else got in between 5.30 and 6, starving. It seemed perverse for me not to cook dinner for us all when I was in so early, but I said "by all means cater for yourselves if you'd prefer". She didn't like to take me up on it because it looked ungrateful and I was always anxious about the menu in case she didn't like it.
    Still, we all just carried on being anxious and enduring for eighteen months. No-one died.
  3. Couldn't you just let his mum know in advance if you're going out so she wouldn't cook for you?
  4. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    from wafers?

    It is always tricky when in someone else's house but I think the compromise you have reached can be workable once you get through the initial awkwardness. Perhaps you could offer to cook for all of them every so often?
  5. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Yeah I could just let her know, tonight was a last minute decision that's all. I told her yesterday I didn't need dinner but she still told me there was a chicken in the oven.
    Annoyed me a bit tonight because she said tea for 4 is more pricey than tea for 2, which is true but she always cooks for my bf regardless of what I eat and I said from the off I didn't need tea. Plus there are always left overs and if I say I don't need tea she will still do loads. Plus she won't take full money agreed and they're not brassic by any stretch.
    I try to shower at the gym not at home, have my own toiletries, washing and fabric conditioner stuff etc. I watch TV in the same room as someone else usually etc etc,so I try not to cost them anything extra where I can.
  6. TBH

    Combining this thread and the other ... I am not really understanding why you live there?
  7. <strike>not </strike>small quantities (mainly salad!) that should have said.
    You sound like a super houseguest to me, and she sounds as if she's falling over herself to be hospitable. I thnk she's probably just trying desperately hard to please everyone and feeling as if she hasn't quite got it right.
    Remember that when you've been the mistress of your own household you get into the way of treating everyone as if they are your twelve-year-old childrenwhen it comes to meals. One family meal, something everyone tolerates even if it's not their favourite and enough for all the family. She's probably afraid that you'll treat the place like a hotel guest rather than a family member, whilstyou;re trying to give as little extra trouble as possible.
    I know that there is a school of thought that says we should all sit down and talk this out so we all understand each other but personally I find it better to shut up and put up. It's not forever and she's the one doing you the favour.
  8. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Resource Finder, I live here because just moved into the area. 70 miles from home town, new job which I started in Jan and so it made sense to not try and find somewhere else to live as well. Couldn't afford to live by myself and didn't fancy living in a new town with a stranger. Also trying to save for a house deposit, and having taken a 5K pay cut it made sense to live cheaper here. Moved area because of my bf and I was looking for a new job, so tried around here and got one.
    I have considered moving out but need to wait a few months first to get my bearings, also if I did move out I'd end up being here most weekends anyway. If I moved out, or hadn't accepted the offer to move in it would also look ungrateful.

    Lilly, I think put up and shut up may be the best way, and I do appreciaite the favour they are doing me. Pretty hard being part of a family unit when used to being independent.
  9. Even more so when you're not actually even her daughter.
    My other son has boomeranged back and it is hard to remember that he is 25 and used to living independently without his Mummy and Daddy.
  10. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I do bite my tongue on some things. There is a big cloths hanger thing for washing, his mum repeatedly takes stuff off that is still damp and folds it and puts it our room. I then put it on our radiator, as I don't want to say anything about it. I also wash up things I've used asap and try to take the dogs out when I can.
    Just don't want to get to walking on eggshells stage, gonna give it a few more months and maybe thing of moving out easter or summer. They have been very good taking me in, and I know she is just trying to help.
  11. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    My bf is nearly 27 and apart from a brief 1yr attempt at uni has never moved out either, so they're very used to doing everything for him. This makes it harder when I'm the same age but like to make my own tea, do my own washing etc.
  12. I can see the funding issues but it just sounds very difficult [​IMG]
  13. Wow - that sounds difficult. Don't think I'd like to be in your shoes. I can't believe that your boyfriend is 27 and still gets everything done for him.
    If you ever do move in together surely he will have a shock when he has to do his share of the laundry, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc?
    I lived with my parents til I was 20, then moved back in for a year at 23, but was taught to use a washing machine and expected to do my share of the laundry from 14. I also used to regularly cook for the family from the age of 16 as I used to get in from college before parents were home from work.
    It shocked me when I moved to Uni how many 18 year olds (especially boys) were hopeless at looking after themselves as Mum had always done everything for them.
    It is hard living under someone elses roof - it's their space and you don't want to overstep the mark, they're trying their best to be hospitable, but also want things done their way.
    Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about how this is going? It sounds like you've made a massive lifestyle change to be with him, whereas he doesn't seem to be making the same kind of adjustment or compromise?

  14. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I have spoken to him, and told him when I moved he was having to make no changes, apart from seeing slightly more of me than usual. His life has not changed one bit, and he still acts like there is only him in it sometimes to be honest.
  15. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    With regards the living arrangements, what about catching up with his
    mum when she's doing some chore on a Saturday morning (for example) and
    just saying, "What would be the easiest thing for you, really honestly?"
    No-one could be offended by that and you could even back it up by
    explaining how you don't want to compromise their routines, but equally
    you don't want to cost them or put them out.
    On the other hand-
    This would be a massive red flag for me. The fact that you are doing all the compromising in the situation (kindness of his parents is irrelevant to those things) would be another one. I know it's easy for me to come along and say so, but you've turned your life upside down for this bloke and what's he doing in return? What, in fact, do you get out of the relationship?

  16. Professor Dumbledore

    Professor Dumbledore New commenter

    I would be a bit worried about going from your current situation to buying your own house together. Especially as your bf won't understand the time, effort and money it takes to run a household. How long are you anticipating it will take you to save for a deposit, if you don't mind me asking?
    Why don't you aim to save &pound;2k and use it to put down the deposit and rent on a nice one or 2 bedroom house? People say renting is money down the toilet, but I don't really think so. Then at least you will be able to get used to living just the 2 of you and if the worst happened and you parted, there would be no massive financial mess to sort out.
  17. Big red flag for me too. This 27 yr old now has two women faffing over him. I should think he is in seventh heaven - and no incentive to change. Beware, dogcat, you will have an eternal teenager on your hands.

  18. I agree. This relationship isn't sounding very positive at all. He lives at home with everyone doing everything for him. He keeps you indoors with his parents to keep an eye on you while he goes out all the time.
    Don't buy a house together first. Rent and see how you get on.
  19. My ex was a lot younger than me and did have his own place but mummy did everything for him. When i moved in it drove me mad that he was incapable and she interferred with everything, she was the main reason we finished.
  20. elisa1

    elisa1 New commenter

    OMG Chilliexx

    My Hubby lived at home till he was 39!!!! Mummy did everything for him and she still thinks I should now!!!!!!
    Its created huge huge problems for us....and is leading to us having huge problems at the minute...I left home at 18 to go to University and never went back home.
    It was more about his Mum's "need to be needed" as she has never worked......created huge problems for me that I don't know how to handle xx

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