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Know it's been said before, but...MIL - grrrrr!

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by Fleur ;-), Jan 14, 2011.

  1. OK, i know this is prob going to come off very petty and ungrateful but i really need to get this off my chest! MIL looks after LO a couple of days now i'm back at work. Of course i'm super grateful for this, i really am. She comes to our house to have him (she lives 40 mins away and it'd be too far out of my way to take him there and pick him up) though and this is where my probs stem from.
    Every time i come home from work when she's been here and stuff's been changed or moved, i know this sounds incredibly petty but it is starting to get my back up,i'm always saying where's the towels gone and then find they've been moved to a different drawer, or can't find the fruit and it's been put in the fridge insted of the fruit bowl etc. These things sound ridiculous now i've written them down! I guess i just feel that i'm not in charge of my own house any more. Also i think i feel a bit like she's judging my housekeeping as she's said a couple of things to my oh like why don't you do this or that more often - he's stopped telling me things now lol. Oh and she doesn't really seem to listen to how i want his routine to be - she says it's 'too strict'. I've asked her to give him his milk feed at 11 in a beaker, he has had this before and is fine with it but she won't do it.
    Wow, having just read that paragraph i sound like a controlling b*tch but i truly feel annoyed by these things! I'm not the sort of person who finds it easy to say anything, plus i don't want to upset her, i guess i'll just live with my bottled up irritation haha! Anyhoo, i've had my little rant now...breathe....[​IMG]
  2. Phew! SO glad to read this! I'm going to find myself in the exact same situation when I go back to work next month! I am scared of this happening! First of all, before people complain, I will really appreciate the free childcare and am very grateful to my MIL for doing this for us. buuuuuuut, it's my house and I like htings the way they are.
    We also have very different ideas about childcare - she believes in smacking and sees nothing wrong with it (isn;t it illegal now?) and she is astonished that I feel strongly that she is not to smack my child (although, she was talkign about when's he's older, not when he's a baby, she's not a monster!). I think the generation gap has a lot to answer for.
    I put cups in the cupboard right way up, she likes them upside down (she says my way they fill with dust, I say her way they get cupboard dust on the rim) and I know there's going to be loads of things will annoy me but I will bite my tongue.
  3. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    I am not denigrating your right to complain about these things in any way because annoying is annoying. Also I would be very irritated by people insisting on doing things their way in my space.
    However, in the same situation I would probably try to consider it in the following ways:
    1) Round our way two days free childcare a week would save around £250 a month. Would you take a job that paid £250 pm for turning cups upside down and taking the fruit out of the fridge? I would.
    2) Hopefully the childminding will sate most of their baby-seeing urges and you won't have to spend so much time with them in your free time [​IMG]

  4. Agree on this - and your other comments! Like i said i know she's doing us a fantastic favour so i will be keeping my mouth shut over the small things - but still feel annoyed lol! It's good to hear though that i'm not alone in feeling these little irritations. Think it's a case of put up and shut up [​IMG] xx
  5. This is absolutely true! I'm lucky my MIL takes LO to her own house, and actually, things are going well at the mo. Long may it last! I would get so irritated if she changed things in my house though!
  6. It is irritating- my MIL also tried to impose her ways on me- they don't mean to overtake but it is flipping annoying... Their helpful suggestions feel like they are trying to tell you how to live your life....I think letting their little boys is hard...Sometimes I want to give my MIL a good old smack in the chops.... especially when baby cries and she walks off with her instead of giving her back to her mummy.
    So remind yourself she is saving you money, and try and switch off to the irritations. It is hard- but she doesn't mean to be annoying...

  7. And yes, this does mean you don't have to spend much time with her... every cloud.
  8. hhhh

    hhhh Star commenter

    I worry as having a boy in twenty years (or whatever) I could be the mum in law! Not talking about your post in particular, but noticed everyone seems to slam MIL for interfering too much OR not doing enough babysitting, yet father in law seems to get away with it.
    After all, assuming your partner doesn't work away, IF the house is untidy it's half his fault.
    And having worked in a few nurseries, cost aside, I would love to know my child is being cared for by someone who loves him and probably splays with him, rather than many of the nursery workers, who followed mum's wishes on paper, and in reality fed them any old thing, didn't change them for hours/chatted on the mobile to their boyf/girlf, then handed mum a 'diary' of all 'the social and stimulating activties' LO had done all day, which are really just anything they cobble together while the kids scream. (Yes I did immediatley report all instances of cruelty appropriately before anyone asks, and yes there were some kind loving assistants, who were good with the children, but I know that given the choice, I would hesitate to leave my child in care when family is available.
    My MIL died before my children were born. I know my husband would have loved her to have known her grandchildren, just as I hope that one day I am involved with my grandchildren. I will try not to interfere, but it's a hard line, I just hope my sons' partners tell me openly and honestly if I am treading on their toes, and I will try to respect that! Maybe you and your partner should just speak to her straight, just pleasantly say, it's great that Tom's with you and you're saving us thousands of pounds, but I hope you won't mind if I ask you................
  9. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    My in laws are useless; despite living an hour away, they have never so much as taken my kids to the park. They are the most self-absorbed people I've ever met! At least it's nice that yours wish to spend time with your children, giving up their own time in the process. It will be hugely beneficial to your children too for as hhhh pointed out, they are being looked after by those who love them and have their best interests at heart.
    I understand that you will feel irritated from time to time. I'd be the same and we are only human, after all!
    Having said that, I think that to some extent you sell your soul to the devil when you enter into an arrangement such as this! It is a case of not necessarily putting up and shutting up, but of gently bringing up the more major irritations. Why not have a fortnightly meeting over a cuppa to discuss how things are going, as there may be minor grievances on both sides!
    DON'T sweat the small stuff (I am assuming that you weren't being serious re the cups?!) or it won't work out.
    Try to make the best of it .... and to keep happy, book up some sh.ithot holidays with the money you have saved!
    Good luck!
  10. I think it must be hard when it's your son's child, because (don't shoot me down in flames) women tend to grind other women down. My MIL is a lovely woman, kind, generous and loving, but that doesn't stop her from occasionally driving me crackers, and I find it hard not to take some of the things she says to heart (she always goes on about how my LO loves his daddy and can never accept that sometimes LO just wants to be with his mummy) The relationship is such a complex one and can easily become very fraught. I take a deep breath and remind myself of the good things, and picture what a hellish MIL I will be!
  11. Gosh, I know this forum is a vehicle to let off steam and we all need to do that but I can't help wanting to defend the M.I.L.
    M.I.Ls are not professionals, they can choose or not choose to be hands on in their involvement with their son's off spring and that is their right.
    If they choose to offer free child care then good on them. If M.I.L's childcare is not up to the mark or her manner is irritating her d.i.l. then it is a bit of a bl--dy cheek to exploit her in the first place as free childminder. I don't think many mother in laws would take kindly to a fortnightly debrief.
    I am very interested to read the realisitic thread about the nursery practitoners who are not fulfilling their professional brief in contrats to the one on one free care that a real granny might bring.

  12. I really think that whatever the right and wrongs of the smacking debate might be that in this case M.I.L childminding grandchild will head for disaster.
    She is not a monster as you say but you can see that unless this issue of corporal punishment is resolved that it is going to be a cause for conflict and grandchild will suffer emotionally as well as physically and you partner's realtionship with his Mum will be shaken.
    I doubt whether she will be able to change her opinions on this subject although it is likely that she might respect yours albeit that she thinks your opinion is wrong, but the seed of conflict will have been sown.
    This far more important than the teacup scenario- find yourself a different childcare solution.
  13. I maybe didn't explain myself properly in my previous post, I was using smacking and the glasses in the cupboard as examples of things we have different ideas about, rather than expressing a fear she will smack him. MIL and I disagree about different things - different generations and all that. Although she sees nothing wrong with smacking, I know she won't smack my child - she's made it clear she will work with whatever discipline methods OH and I decide to use. That's not to say she won't put her tuppence worth in every now and then, but I can say with confidence I will be happy with my child's safety in her care.

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