I'm not sure if I want any advice, or if I just need to write everything down - think I need to understand it in my head. Anyway, a few years ago I was treated for an eating disorder....At one stage I was eating half a can of soup, being sick and making sure I had spent an hour plus in the gym... everything I ate was worked off in the gym, and I made myself sick- it took a long time to admit to myself I was ill... I would tell myself I could stop at any time and I deserved it- I was punishing myself. My boyfriend, now my husband, was great and really supportive. I recovered- CBT, anti-depressants and a dose of reality all helped, I had a lot of time out of work and changed jobs. Life was good, Life is good.... but there was still that nagging voice whenever I felt full... telling me to be sick. I could always ignore this voice and was fine. Anyway, last August I had a baby and generally everything is good. However, the weight was coming off quickly and I started to enjoy it.... The anprexic part of me is getting stronger. I am so aware of my daughter and I will not go down that path again- I want normal eating habits to be what she sees. I don't want disordered eating to be considered normal but I am finding it so hard to eat. Stupid, huh? There is just a voice,a part of me which wants to skip meals, wants to be sick after meals and for the main, I can ignore it... but sometimes it is so overwealming. I am so, so, so scared it will overtake me... I just don't know if I can stop it. I am trying to follow a meal plan, eat three meals at the same time as my daughter but for some reason, I'm finding it a whole lot harder. Anyway, if you managed to get to the end of this long post- thanks for reading.