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just need someone to talk to :(

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by confusedaspie, Sep 4, 2011.

  1. confusedaspie

    confusedaspie New commenter

    Hi, was going to post on ttc for ages but if you have the time to read on you'll understand why I didn't. Just really need someone to give some advice or just somewhere to vent!
    I got married last august after being diagnosed with endometriosis that year. Wasn't told much about it re fertility but they couldn't remove where it was from. Ive always wanted kids so we stopped contraception from the july. October hit and my partner had trouble having sex and then refused to initiate and actively avoided it for the next 5 months. Eventally he went to the doctor who told him it was mental and after persuading went for hypnosis. Since then he has initiated sex maybe once and we have tried about three times. Its now been ten months since we'd had sex. All that keeps in my mind is that I want to ttc and that my endometriosis may be getting progressively worse. I dont talk about this much with him as I dont think it will help mentally. But i'm just so angry that he doesn't seem to be making much effort. He promises every month this will be the month but it comes and goes with nothing. I can understand that maybe he doesn't try for fear of failure but where do I draw the line. I'm 28 and feel like lifes passing me by.
    Its come to a head today because a girl at work got married on the same day as us. She then cheated on her husband with a work colleague two months later however is today giving birth to her first. I just look at the different paths our marriages have taken and feel really resentful. Hubby has gone out, im at home crying. I'm toying with the idea of going back to my parents tonight but im unsure, just feel something has to change. I so much want to be on the ttc journey but cant even be on that, and I know that's going to be hard enough with endometriosis. I just feel lost and dont know what to do
     
  2. confusedaspie

    confusedaspie New commenter

    Hi, was going to post on ttc for ages but if you have the time to read on you'll understand why I didn't. Just really need someone to give some advice or just somewhere to vent!
    I got married last august after being diagnosed with endometriosis that year. Wasn't told much about it re fertility but they couldn't remove where it was from. Ive always wanted kids so we stopped contraception from the july. October hit and my partner had trouble having sex and then refused to initiate and actively avoided it for the next 5 months. Eventally he went to the doctor who told him it was mental and after persuading went for hypnosis. Since then he has initiated sex maybe once and we have tried about three times. Its now been ten months since we'd had sex. All that keeps in my mind is that I want to ttc and that my endometriosis may be getting progressively worse. I dont talk about this much with him as I dont think it will help mentally. But i'm just so angry that he doesn't seem to be making much effort. He promises every month this will be the month but it comes and goes with nothing. I can understand that maybe he doesn't try for fear of failure but where do I draw the line. I'm 28 and feel like lifes passing me by.
    Its come to a head today because a girl at work got married on the same day as us. She then cheated on her husband with a work colleague two months later however is today giving birth to her first. I just look at the different paths our marriages have taken and feel really resentful. Hubby has gone out, im at home crying. I'm toying with the idea of going back to my parents tonight but im unsure, just feel something has to change. I so much want to be on the ttc journey but cant even be on that, and I know that's going to be hard enough with endometriosis. I just feel lost and dont know what to do
     
  3. toeinwater

    toeinwater New commenter

    It seems the ttc journey is rarely an easy one (spoken as someone who has been trying without success for 18 months).
    It's fair to say my OH isn't as keen on the idea of children as I am, but is going through the motions of ttc as it's what people do (though he struggles with this argument) and it's what I desperately want. Coming at it from my angle, I'm wondering whether your husband is ready for children, or whether this is where his problems lie - either consciously or subconsciously he's avoiding sex in order to avoid the tricky issue of babies. Does this sound likely? It also sounds to me as if the hypnosis wasn't successful if he still isn't 'on board' so it may be worth a re-visit to the docs.
    I completely understand what you mean about resentment! Life is often unfair and when your heart is set on something, it seems that other people who have what you most desire are in your face! I resent the fact that I am pretty good, take the vits, eat healthily (ish), have cut back on caffeine and alcohol, don't smoke etc etc and yet I'm not pg. I resent the fact that my husband moans that I now ask him to take vits and that he is still procrastinating re the SA. So Iknow where you're coming from!
    Have you spoken to your own doctor about the prognosis re the endo and where this leaves you ttc wise? It may buy you some time to sort your marriage out and for OH to come round to the idea.
    No wise words I'm afraid, but I hope you'll realise that whilst I'm not in your exact situation, there are plenty of us on here struggling with ttc for one reason or another.
    I hope you get things sorted!
     
  4. Hey Confused,
    I'm not really sure what to say but I didn't want to read & run. It sounds like you're feeling pretty low today, and have been for a while. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you're feeling or do you bottle it up? Have you considered some counselling?
    My partner & I have had troubles 'in the bedroom' before, it can be really soul destroying & wears you down. Then you attach lots of issues onto sex & it's not surprising you never want it or can do it. We did look into Relate, they can do couple counselling or stuff on your own, that might be an option? I'm quite proactive about things & want to get them 'fixed' and spend time finding out about these things! Relate also do a book, 'sex in loving relationships', if neither of you fancy going & talking to someone about your sex life (sterotypically blokes can be funny about this can't they!).
    I think you might need to think about your attitude towards sex, reading your post it come across to me that you only want sex when your ovulating to make a baby. Thats a huge amount of pressure to put both of you under, espcially your husband. What about sex for fun? Or to feel close to you husband? Maybe TTC should be put aside until your husband gets his mojo back & your sex life returns?
    I'm also 28, and have a potential fertility issue. I know what you mean about life passing you by, but I want to focus on the positives. Yes, my road to a baby will be hard, but that means he/she will be or the more special. Yes, it does hurt that my friends seem to fall pregnant so easierly, but then I get to spend time with their lovely children & hand them back when they are dirty/crying/need a nappy change and go home & sleep. People with endometriosis have babies, its not impossible. That's what I keep telling myself!
    And as for the girl at work, she doesn't have it easy either. She's probably got the disapproval of the cheating from family, a failed marriage & the scandle of getting knocked up by a work colleague. She could be a single parent going through a divorce. I think i'd rather be in your shoes! She might even look at you wishing she'd made different choices. Yes your marriages have taken different courses, but I would prefere to be with someone I love, who loves me.
    I think, when you are feeling calmer that you should sit down & have a talk with your husband, tell him how you feel. But I think you should also look into what you would like to do to move things forward, and be prepared that your husband may not want to go to sex counselling (mine didn't, but he didn't mind if i went, in the end the book was enough) A bit more productive communication, a bit less pressure and you'll be all set [​IMG] xx
     
  5. confusedaspie

    confusedaspie New commenter

    Hi thanks both for your replies. I decided to go home to my parents to get some space but as soon as I walked through the door and asked my mum if I could stay there she said oh no im not having this. Now sat in the car not sure what to do. I dont have any close friends to talk to.

    My husband has never initiated sex or wanted sex 'for fun' as I think he has a very low sex drive which is why things got even worse when we were ttc. He definately wants chn now as it was mostly his suggestion, he loves kids! He gets himself all worked up which is where the problem with sex comes in but im just so angry with him for not trying. Ive deliberately started taking the pill again so it would just be about me and him but even then he didn't want to try and have sex. Not sure what to do as dont want to go home
     
  6. go back into your mum and tell her everything and ask again to stay. if she still says no, take yourself to a hotel or a travellodge or use laterooms.com on your phone to find somewhere relatively cheap to stay. if you really don't want to go home, don't.
    i'm so sorry you're going through this. i couldn't imagine staying in a sexless relationship myself, and that's without want to TTC. i've been there and it's soul-destroying, ruined my self esteem and my confidence, brought me to the brink of depression. i was happier - far happier - alone than in a relationship with someone who couldn't bring themselves to have sex with me despite us living together for 3 years. I also have PCOS and was told time was running out - if it hadn't already. o was 28 when i left him and gave up all hope of ever having a baby.
    i'm now married and LO will be 9 months this week and i'm far happier than i ever thought i could be. i thought my life was over leaving my ex, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
    be kind to yourself and do what's right for you x
     
  7. I just wanted to echo what spiderkin has said really - being with someone who doesn't want to make love to you, for TTC purposes or otherwise is potentially soul-destroying.
    I had a past relationship where within a year of being together the sex had pretty much completely dried up and I couldn't work out why at all. We weren't TTC, nothing had changed, he just couldn't be bothered / didn't want to have sex. We stayed together another 4 years after that and by the end we were having sex once a year at best! I have to say that not being desired by my ex just made me feel totally dead inside. In the end it turned out his eye was wandering and finding out about him and a girl at work gave me the kick up the backside to leave. It was the best thing I ever did - I've since met and married my lovely husband and am so much happier than I ever thought I was before (even though I'm right in the middle of an IVF cycle with my DH!!).
    I'm not suggesting that you split up with your DH over this - I take marriage very seriously as I'm sure you do and wouldn't ever suggest walking away at the first hurdle. What I would say is do everything in your power to try and make this work - talk to him, explain how it makes you feel, ask him to try and work on this together - do everything you can. Then if it still doesn't work you can't say you haven't done absolutely everything in your power to save your marriage.
    Good luck xx
     
  8. lidlest

    lidlest New commenter

    My husband had this problem, I thought it was fear of failure (because we were ttc) and it nearly tore us apart. He felt useless and I felt unattractive and abandoned. In a last ditch attempt to save our marriage he went to the doctor... it was physical, under active thyroid and heart issues. Turns out we had spent a year tearing chunks off each other when it could have been easily solved.

    Encourage your husband to see a doctor again and insist on blood tests. The inability to maintain an erection hits a man hard x
     
  9. I take it you did go home? I don't know what to suggest in some ways - I can sympathise with your anger but your husband will feel threatened by your anger and want sex even less.
    I'd forget ttc for now because you need to sort out your relationship - I noticed you said you'd started on the pill again.
    One piece of advice I'd give you is to forget about your friend - feeling jealous and resentful of people who have babies makes it worse - I've been ttc for four years so have lots of experience of this!
    I don't know your husband so it's hard to advise but if it was my husband I would tell him how much I loved him and how much I wanted our relationship to work. Most men don't like talking emotional stuff and don't want to go to the doctors about anything, never mind anything to do with sex so you do have to tread carefully. Mine fought going for an SA all the way inititally but now producing a sample is pretty much routine for him, sadly, as we are well on the fertility treatment treadmill.
     
  10. How are you gettIng on now confused? Hope things are a little more sorted for you x
     

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