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Just need some advice/reassurance

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by thom73, Jun 25, 2011.

  1. I found out on Wednesday that I'm pregnant (roughly 6 weeks gone.) I should be over the moon but it wasn't planned and I just don't know how I feel about it!

    I'm 39, divorced and have 2 children aged 16 and 14. I've only been with my current partner since January and we've never discussed having children as I don't think we're really 'there' yet. He also has 2 children, so we've been happy as we are.

    We don't even live together, so it seems as though we're in no position to have a child! I never ever thought I would contemplate having an abortion, but the thought keeps creeping into my mind and now it won't go away. Then I think about the fact that my first child wasn't planned either and, if I'd had an abortion, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter today.

    I've been trying to convince myself that keeping the baby if the best option but, if it really is the best option, should I even need to convince myself?

    Some of the pros would be that I'd love the child so much and I'm ok financially on my own if the dad didn't want be involved but, I'm wondering if the cons (we're not in a stable relationship, we're both 'older', we've both never pictured spending the next 18+ years together bringing up another child) outweigh the pros?

    I know that no-one on here can make my decision for me, but I've got no-one to talk to IRL and my partner has said that he'll support my decision either way - which is making it even more difficult as I don't know what he really wants to do.

    Any advice or reassurance that we could make this work would be amazing right now!
  2. I've always been on the opinion that if you're old/mature to enought to have sex you should be old enough to accept the consequences. I know this is an idealistic approach, but it has always been my opinion even when I was 15/16 and considering 'going all the way' with my then boyfriend.
    However, a few years on from that, I have a more rounded view of the world. I understand that circumstances change and that what is right fro one person wouldn't be right for another etc. In these situations I think you should always ask yourself which decision you would regret. I don't think you'll ever regret having another child. You might regret an abortion though. Maybe my opinion at the moment is coloured by the fact that I am TTC, but you asked for opinions so hope that helps!
    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
  3. I think that most people have wobbles when they are pregnant, whether or not it is planned. I am 12 weeks with my second (planned) and have moments when I wonder what I have done, how I will cope with 2, how it will affect our hapoy little unit. In contrast to your post I'm not sure that if you really wanted to have a termination you would be posting here. What does your partner think?
  4. I'm not quite in the same situation as you but I have been there with the doubts. I am 17 weeks with my 1st child and we hadn't been together for long when I got pregnant (although been friends for years). He is older than me and still maintains he doesn't want anymore children and as people on here will tell you, we split up the other week. I was very unsure about the pregnancy when I first got pregnant and had abortion counselling, in the end I found it very helpful and decided to go through with the pregnancy. Things with (ex) partner are getting a bit better, he is still very scared, as I am but I think we'll come through this OK in the end (although perhaps not as a couple). I honestly think the best thing to do is to speak to a professional counsellor about things.
  5. i have a friend who does regret having her third child by a boyfriend after divorcing. there's 11 years between her middle and youngest child. she says that having such a big age difference is tough and being a single mum of two teenagers and a pre-schooler is really hard as the older two don't play with the younger one so she's at work all day and gets home and has to entertain the youngest - she never gets time off. she also said that there's a big difference between the energy she had with young children when she was in her mid 20s, and how tiring she finds it all in her late 30s.
    only you can decide what to do but your OH could do with being completely honest with you. as far as i understand if you want to go down the abortion route you have to have counselling before having the termination so maybe that would help you talk through your thoughts and feelings.
  6. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    I actually think your partner is being fair by leaving the decision to you - the brutal truth is that the consequences of your decision will rebound on you.
    My instinct is to say that unless you are certain an abortion is the right option you should keep you baby - this is not because I'm opposed to abortion but because it is a decision that will live with you forever. Some women are certain it's what they want and feel only relief afterwards but it doesn't sound like you would feel like that.
    The cons are not insurmountable. Accept that you and your partner may not stay together as a couple - that applies to any couple after only a few months together. However, if you can agree to work together on raising your child then I still think you can make a good job of it. Being older shouldn't matter too much - you may have less energy but more wisdom and of course, you have a lot of experience of parenting already. The last one is the hardest in a way - it's not what you wanted to spend the next 18 years doing. That one is a toughie. I still think you can make it work if you want this baby. Good luck.
  7. Thank you all for your replies.

    I think I just needed to let it all out yesterday. As soon as I posted, I phoned my partner and he came round to discuss the situation. I'm really happy to say that we've decided that we'd both like to keep the baby.

    Deep down, I knew that I wanted this baby but I was worried that my partner didn't feel the same way. The way he spoke yesterday made me realise how much he wants this baby too. Even if things don't work out between us, I can see that he's a great dad and he'd always be there for our baby.

    I never thought I'd end up in this situation, but I've decided that I've got to make the most of it. I don't think I could live myself if I got rid of our baby.

    Sorry for wasting you time - I must seem very fickle, but I think it was just the reassurance that I was looking for.

    Thanks again :)
  8. Well, in that case.... congratulations....

    I have a friend from a baby group with two teenage boys- I think 13 and 16 and a new baby and she is enjoying it a lot... She has said her boys are very helpful- bringing her drinks, helping with meals a bit and they are great with the baby. She said it is easier than having a newborn and a toddler,
    Obviously having a new baby is hard and it isn't all plain sailing, it never is, having teenagers is hard too.... but she hasn't found it traumatic and is very happy! Her boys are happy too and she thinks they will be great when their sister is a little older.

    (Just wanted to present a positive story too!)
  9. Congratulations! All the best for the future :D
  10. What a lovely story - congratulations on your new baby girl and I wish you lots of luck and happiness xx

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