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Joke for Shifter and Bauble

Discussion in 'Personal' started by blazer, Feb 19, 2011.

  1. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    A Tipton woman took her ailing cat to the vet.
    She said 'Con yow av a luk at me cot, it ay aitin roit and it cor **** propa'
    The vet said 'Is it a tom' ?
    'No' she said ' I've bort it wi we'
    ScotSEN likes this.
  2. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    And for and Scots among us

    "Och, it's all gaun pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flooers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
    Archie nods approvingly.
    "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
    "Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.”
    ScotSEN likes this.
  3. Lol...yow day gerrany cots in Tipton. If yow does then thems toorists aye they.
  4. impis

    impis New commenter

  5. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Q: How do Glaswegians tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

    A: Bing sings. Walt Disnae.

    I'll get my kilt. Coat sorry, coat.
    ScotSEN likes this.
  6. Shifter

    Shifter New commenter

    Little boy <strike>crying</strike> blarting his eyes out by the side of the <strike>canal</strike> cut, "What's the matter young man?" says our local toff. "Me mates fallen in the cut" Toff, whips off his coat, swims up and down looking for his mate, then says "where did he fall in, I can't find him? "No" the boy says, "the mate out of ov me piecy"
    ScotSEN likes this.
  7. modelmaker

    modelmaker Lead commenter

    I'll get it for you...
  8. Shifter

    Shifter New commenter

    Ayli after dialling 999: *** quick, me &lsquo;ouse is afire.

    Operator: Keep calm. How do we get there?

    Ayli: Yo got one of them big red trucks ay yer? Well come in that.

    ScotSEN likes this.
  9. Shifter

    Shifter New commenter

    * c u m *
  10. Shifter

    Shifter New commenter

    Last one:
    White van man to pedestrian:
    S'cuse me mate does yow now if there's a B & Q in Wolverhampton?

    Sorry mate oi don't, but I nows theres 2 D's in Dudley

  11. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    Anoch and Ayli sitting on the beach watching surfer when the guy falls in

    Ayli sez "Ay Anoch, wotcha call that plank that bloke wuz standin on"?
    Anoch sez 'That's a serf bawd ay it"
    Ayli "Well it dun't look very serf to me"!
  12. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Man walks into a Glasgow bakery. Points at an item on display and asks:
    'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
    Shop assistant replies:
    'Naw pal, ye were right the first time - it's a cake.'

    ScotSEN likes this.
  13. tafkam

    tafkam Occasional commenter

    I do so love the gallows humour of the folk from the North
    ScotSEN likes this.
  14. gudrun

    gudrun New commenter

    Aynuk goes round to Ayli's house after he has been away all day.

    Aynuk says "Weer yo bin Ayli?"

    Ayli replies "Oh'bin fishin in the cut"

    "Yow bin fishin? Did yow catch enyfink?" Aynuk enquires

    "Are I cort a wayul" says Ayli smugly

    "Yow cort a wayul?" Aynuk asks, amazed, "Wot did yow do wiv it?"

    To which Ayli simply says "I chucked it back in, there woz no spokes in it"
    ScotSEN likes this.
  15. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    Two musicians in The Halle orchestra.
    "Wheer's th'arpist?"
    "I t'big drum, wheer's tha?"
  16. They dey spake proper in Mancland...I dey un'erstan dit.
  17. Shifter

    Shifter New commenter

    Yo cor tell wot them yassin
  18. Them mooer forin than them bloody Brumagens.
  19. Ar yo'm roight thair mite.
    And wot's that Tafkam gooin' on abowut wen we'm not from the north? 'Er day understond weer we'm from day 'er?

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