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Is she trying to steal my husband?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by wellard, Aug 13, 2011.

  1. Need some help as I don't know what to do. About two years ago my husband befriended a woman where we live. She is not married but has three children with her partner. She does not get on with her man. My husband and I seem to have struck up a really close relationship and he is always doing things for her. She is always hanging around my husband and coming round for coffee when I am at work and she is always telling him what an awful life she has with her partner. Do you thunk she is trying to move in on my man?
     
  2. Need some help as I don't know what to do. About two years ago my husband befriended a woman where we live. She is not married but has three children with her partner. She does not get on with her man. My husband and I seem to have struck up a really close relationship and he is always doing things for her. She is always hanging around my husband and coming round for coffee when I am at work and she is always telling him what an awful life she has with her partner. Do you thunk she is trying to move in on my man?
     
  3. DaisysLot

    DaisysLot Senior commenter

    It may genuinely be that she is just lonely and looking for company - I know it's rare these days but it is possible to have a platonic relationship. Have a bit more confidence in your husband and your marriage - even if that was at the back of her mind, would it matter?
     
  4. You either trust your husband or you don't.
     
  5. Thank you for your response. This is what my husband has been saying to me. I am going through a really difficult time at the moment, I am being bullied at work, I have had to have a termination because of a failed pregnancy and things between my husband and me are very strained-that is putting it mildly! I should have more confidence in him I am struggling to see positives at the moment. Think I may be suffering from depression (not that I want to make excuses for me being stupid).
     
  6. Perhaps a visit to the GP is in order.
     
  7. I have been telling myself that for a while. Guess I didn't really want to admit that there was anything wrong. I will go this week.
     
  8. Maybe your husband should be focussing on looking after you at the moment , sounds like she's doing the chasing but he should be keeping a wide berth and maybe tell her he can't help!
     
  9. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    [​IMG]
    If this womans neediness and the subsequent amount of time your husband spends with her is making you feel uncomfortable, you ought to have a word with him about it. Personally, I would go a bit radge with him (pointing out a few responsibilities he has closer to home) and be very polite with her in drawing a clear line in the sand; back off!! I don't like the sound of this little arrangement at all. She moans about her bad relationship? What does your husband do that makes her feel this is ok? Is it all just a one way sympathy flow?
    A marriage should be between 2 people. How would your husband feel if the roles were reversed and you were constantly administering to another man?
     
  10. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    If I might offer a middle-aged male perspective, I don't think it's so much about whether she's trying to steal your husband, as it is about whether he'd allow himself to be stolen. It's a fact of life that even within strong marriages we meet 'other' people from time to time with whom we click. It's what you do about it that matters, not the fact that such a rapport exists or happens.

    At best they're both neutral observers of each other's lives who can offer friendly but objective advice and support without anything untoward happening. At worst they'll start viewing each other as alternatives to their current lives, but that's down to their personalities.

    Personally I think her routinely popping round for coffee and a chat in your absence is pushing the boundaries of your trust too far, and she shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable about that in your own home. I don't think you'd be out of order raising that with him (or her) and reminding him who he shared the marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' with.
     
  11. True friends don't pop in for coffee when you are not there!! My husband said that he wouldn't let her in but tell her what time you would be back.

    Sorry you are going through a bad time. I hope things are resolved soon. Talk to your husband, let him know how you feel.
    Good luck!
     
  12. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Like a form of hypnosis. Husband needs to get a wee wake-up call.
    Hmmmm, I doubt it.
    Yes. This would by my concern.
    Absolutely. Never mind the 'of your trust' bit, just pushing the boundaries too far.
    With him yes. Personally I wouldn't tell her f all. Your marriage is none of her business.
     
  13. Maybe, maybe not? But have you asked o/h what he thinks? It may make him think about whether it is a good idea to have cosy coffees together.
     
  14. The fact is that you do not feel comfortable with the arrangement. That alone is reason to ask that it stops.
    As a matter of interest, what sort of things does your husband do for her that she cannot do for herself? Where is her chap in all this ?
     
  15. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Well said: and I'm female. I do get annoyed by the concept some women have of predatory (other) women roaming around just waiting to get their claws into married men while (of course) husbands are passive recipients of their deviousness and have no decision making process of their own.
     
  16. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Unless they have a key.

    She does sound like she needs too much attention.
    I would put her straight.
     
  17. I agree.
    Your man might be flattered by the attention but at the moment it should be focused on you.
     
  18. moonpenny

    moonpenny New commenter

    I think it is perfectly possible to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex and for there to be no sexual attraction. However, if her relationship has difficulties and yours is under strain, it could be a possibility that there is something more there .
    Only your husband can tell you how he is feeling. You should talk to him about your fears. It is a really tricky one. My oh has more female friends than male ones but that is because women feel comfortable talking to him. I think the point made about trust by magic surf is an important one - very important as your husband could well meet people of the opposite sex all the time and he may well be attracted to some people he meets but for a relationship to work, you have to trust that your partner is with you because they want to be and if someone doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, then it can become much more complicated.
    I also agree with others who say that you need the support of your husband right now and if it upsets you, then you should tell him this and I would hope that he will respect how you are feeling. You need time as a couple to get your relationship back on track without this added pressure. It may be that you talk to him and that in itself could dispel your fears.
    Best wishes.
     

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